


I don't wanna say goodbye

by BurningLightsAndBlackouts



Category: Green Day, billie joe armstrong - Fandom
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Love, Music, Secret Crush, Self-Harm, dance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-02 21:30:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 71,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10953093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningLightsAndBlackouts/pseuds/BurningLightsAndBlackouts
Summary: Dylan Frances Faraway has lead a rough life. In her mind, she's anything but perfect, but her friends and loved ones would tell you otherwise. Despite hardships, she manages to live life to the fullest alongside her tenacious, curly haired best feiend Rachel.  She was definitely happy with her life, working two comfortable jobs as both a dancer and a part time mechanic at her friend Brian's garage, she was truly living her dream...but there was one part missing. Due to past circumstances, Dylan was reluctant to open herself up to love. In fact, she was dead set against it. In her own words "Love only hurts in the end" and she wanted nothing to do with it. But with a little help from Rachel, and a chance sighting of a mysterious "stranger", she gets more than she bargained for when she finally lets love in.





	1. “I wasn’t going to find love in an alley.”

September 8th, 6:07 PM

"Come on" I hissed under my breath. "I swear, they don't make this easy!" I said to Bradley. I was trying to scrub the grease and oil from beneath my fingernails, but my efforts seemed to be in vain. See, I'd been working on restoring a beater of a '55 Chevy all day and was about to go to one of my other jobs. Working nearly seven days a week, I guess you could say I was a workaholic. I was a choreographer and dance instructor as well as working part time at the auto shop. What can I say? I liked to keep busy. Honestly, working on cars was more of a hobby than a job, really. I didn't do it for the money and although the messy hands didn't bother me at all, I figured showing up to the first dress rehearsal with grease stained fingernails might not be my best decision, but at that point I didn't have much of a choice. "Think if I wore gloves the entire time, anyone would notice? I mean sure, it's still technically summer. But that's like, fashion, right?" I asked Brad. He stared at me, saying nothing. "....good talk" I said, drying my hands and walking towards the door. "Ok" I sighed, grabbing my keys off the hook and throwing them in my bag. "I think I have everything...SHIT!" I exclaimed, touching my neck. "Almost forgot my choker!" At this point in my life, I wore a choker around my neck to cover an unsightly reminder of my past and I was not about to be seen without it. Not yet anyway. I wasnt resdy to talk about it let alone let the world see. So I grabbed it off my night stand and bee lined for the door. "Don't forget to turn the light by the door on when it gets dark. Don't wanna trip over your shit when I come in" I said to Brad. "I'll be late so don't wait up."

I locked the door behind me and began walking down the four flights of stairs out of my apartment to my car parked around the back. I sat down in the drivers seat and immediately opened all the windows, letting a rush of cooler air into my sauna of a vehicle. So there I was, driving to the theatre with my head basically hanging out the window. My car was old and didn't have air conditioning, so really that was the only salvation. It had been a particularly hot summer in New York and Although it was coming to a close, we still had those hot days here and there.

I was making my way through Manhattan as best as I could. I'd been living there for nearly four years at that point and it's not like the theatre was very far from my house, but it was still so foreign to me. I'm from a town close to St. John's, Newfoundland up in Canada, a way smaller city, and this whole city that never sleeps thing isn't a damn lie. So after fighting my way through aggressive New York trsffic, I saw the theatre make its way into my line of vision. I pulled into a parking space beside the building and turned off my car. Looking around, I saw a group of teenage girls crowded around a dude beside the stage door. I couldnt help but laugh. I was glad I worked behind the scenes! All that attention seems overwhelming. I leaned my head back and took a deep breath. I knew today wasn't going to be easy, but I had to push through. And hey, at least there wasn't a crowd around me.

I had just reached behind me and grabbed my bag from the back seat when I heard my phone ring. It was my buddy, Brian, at the auto shop. "Great" I muttered to myself. "Already running late and NOW is when he decides to call." I answered the phone and bolted towards the door. "Hello?" I answered frantically, hands full and trying to push past the gaggle of girls. The fella they were there to see obviously saw me struggling, and he pushed past the kids to open the door for me. "Thanks" I said, out of breath. I didn't stick around to hear his reply and I didn't even get a look at his face. All I knew was he had fluffy black hair and a couple tattoos or something. "Alluring" I thought. Mystery gentleman, spicy. But I didn't have time for introductions. I rushed into the door and started jogging down the hall.

"Dylan? Are you running or something?" Brian asked. "Nope. Definitely not running. Not Running late. No." I puffed (I was running late. Very late) "ok I won't keep you long. I just have a job for you tomorrow morning. It needs to be done ASAP and since you live close, I figured you could come the earliest. That and the others are basically useless." Brian explained. "Yeah sure perfect. Gotta go now though byyyyye" I said frantically hanging up, chucking my phone in my bag and booking it into the rehearsal space where a disgruntled cast waited.

Surprisingly, the rehearsal went well. Now, I say surprisingly because the girl playing the lead, Christine, didn't like me. Like, at all. It was a production of Grease and I guess she felt like she could be the only blonde involved or whatever. Maybe it was because the rest of the cast liked me a lot and sort of avoided her. Which, honestly I'm not sure why she's surprised they do. She wastes a lot of her energy being salty and rude to everyone. Must be exhausting I thought. I knew she was out to make my life difficult from day one, constantly insulting my choreography and flat out refusing to do it. She's obviously done far more supposed years of dance training than I have so obviously, she's entitled to refuse. Doesn't explain why she frequently comes to rehearsal clearly hungover and can't quite seem to get my dances right, but that's none of my business.

After a frustrating few hours full of insults, eye rolls, heavy sighs and constant continuing questions about why I wear "that ugly stupid choker" (you guessed it, all from Christine), I was finished at the theatre and relieved to be walking back to my car. Secretly, I was hoping the guy from earlier would still be lurking somewhere. Listen, I know that's exactly how you end up on Dateline, but I was curious. Not, in a weird way or anything! I mean, Rachel was always saying I needed to "let love in" since I hadn't really dated In like, two years...I shouldn't say that, I'd been on dates! I'm not a freak or anything it's just- whatever that's not the point. I wasn't going to find love in an alley. I respect myself too much! But there was just something about him that I felt intrigued by. As if maybe I'd seen him before. Now, let it be known that my vision was and is to this day complete garbage, so of course I had no idea who he even was or what looked like for that matter, but there was just something about him.

So anyway, I was driving away from the theatre, satisfied with the progress made that day, not by christine obviously but by the rest of the cast. In fact, Rachel had called and I was telling her about it. I was pulling up to the sidewalk and as I looked both ways before turning my blinker on, I noticed the guy from earlier going in the front door. He was wearing a hat and I only saw the backside of him this time, but I could tell it was him by his jacket. He had to be the only idiot in New York State wearing a jacket in this weather. "Oh. There he is now. Funny." I said to Rachel. I had just explained to her about how he had held the door for me. "Go get his number!!" She shouted over the phone. That was the worst idea I'd ever heard. I still couldn't even see his face! I told her that if I asked for the number of every person who held a door for me, I'd need a secretary to keep track. She didn't laugh. She still stuck by her theory that I need to "let love in" or some other bullshit. "I swear. You keep seeing him..." (I'd seen the back of his head twice) "mark my words. He'll keep showing up. Eventually you'll fall in love and you'll have to live with the fact that you know I'm right." she told me in full confidence. Now, If there's one thing I wasn't about to do, it was let Rachel be right about this. I was perfectly fine on my own and I was dead set on proving it. I hadn't dated in years for a reason. "You've never been more wrong" I told her, deadpanned. But in the back of my mind, in a weird, totally not ok, fucked up place? I couldn't stop thinking about him. I didn't even know him! But for some stupid reason, he was just sitting there. All smug in the back of my mind. I hated it. I decided I'd repress those thoughts and move on. I said goodbye to Rachel, and feeling suddenly stressed, I put my old Dookie cassette I'd had since '99 in the tape deck, turned up the volume and screamed along to the lyrics like I did more frequently than I'd care to admit. Especially when I was overwhelmed and didn't want to deal with reality. And I'll tell you what, I clearly had my priorities straight.


	2. “Who was I out to impress anyway?”

September 9th, 7:36 AM

I woke up to Brad sitting on my chest, staring at me. My eyes adjusted and I stared back. We sat like that for a solid minute before I questioned what I was even doing. "I don't have time for this, Brad." I told him as if he could even understand me. I moved him to the end of the bed, got up, showered, and got dressed. I decided I'd tie my hair up in a scarf since I'd be tits deep in cars all day long and I didn't want my hair getting in the way. Who was I out to impress anyway? 

     When I got to the shop Brian was already there with coffee waiting for me. "How'd it go last night?" He asked. He knew I was having issues with Christine. "oh you know the usual. Her highness was in rare form last night. Only a few eye rolls and nasty comments." I said sipping my coffee. "about the choker again?" Brian asked, jacking up the car he was working on. "About the choker." I sighed. "why can't she just let it go? It doesn't effect her at all" he said. "I'm not sure. I guess she latches on to anything she can to bring me down." I said, pulling my jumpsuit on. "can't imagine what it would be like if she saw what's underneath. She'd have a heyday" I chuckled. As I grabbed my tools I told him how well the rehearsal itself went and how that made me both satisfied, and uneasy. "We'll see how it plays out. I don't have high hopes" I said, sliding underneath the car I was there to work on. 

     I'd been working on the car for an hour and a half and was nearly finished. I was covered in grease and sweat. Honestly, it was foul. I repulsed myself. I was putting the last few finishing touches underneath, when I heard two men come in, bickering. "How did you even manage to do that?" One of them asked "you've had this rental for what? A day?" I could hear them walk up to the counter and out of my ear shot.  
I was concentrating so hard on what I was doing that I barely heard their muffled voices, but for some reason they sounded familiar.

     I was looking it over once more, and Brian caught me off guard. "Dylan!" He yelled. "Yeah?!l I said. My head shot up and banged against the car. "OW." I yelled, sliding out from underneath. My eyes were closed and I was rubbing my forehead, wincing in pain.  "Jesus Brian no need to yell" I said. Apparently he had been trying to get my attention multiple times but I didn't hear him. I opened my eyes to find him staring down at me. "How much longer?" He asked but I was staring right through him, definitely not listening. I was FAR too distracted by the figures standing right behind him. No fucking wonder they sounded familiar! There they were,  Mike and Billie Joe from Green Day. I was honestly shocked, and the funny thing is Billie Joe looked like he was too, but then, it hit me like a sack of bricks. He was the man from the theatre the day before. I'm just too stupid and blind to notice. After that, you'd think I'd start actually wearing my glasses more, but of course I never learn my lesson. 

     "Oh, hi!" I said, trying to seem aloof and cool. As if I hadn't been a huge fan my entire life. "Hi. You're Dylan?" Mike asked, obviously confused, and rightfully so! Not many girls named Dylan around. "Dylan?" Brian asked, nudging me. "Hm? OH! Hi. Yeah I'm Dylan!" I stammered, extending my hand to shake his. I could just feel Brian's smirk behind me. "Dylan, this is Mike and Billie Joe! They're in a band." He said in the shittiest, most smug tone and putting his hand on my shoulder. "I know. I've heard them a few times." I said, leaning on the car, still trying to sound cool. I finished shaking Mike's hand and turned my attention to Billie. My heart dropped into my stomach and my palms started sweating. That in itself was weird I thought. I hadn't felt like that in years, and there I was, a babbling, nervous mess, just staring like an idiot. 

     He smiled at me and held out his hand. I nearly shit my pants, but I managed to (sort of) pull it together. I shook his hand, still sweating, still staring. Still staring at his stupid beautiful green eyes. "Hi. I'm Billie Joe. We actually....met yesterday" he said chuckling. "Goooood. Good. Perfect! He remembered me! And of course today, today of all days I didn't even try to look cute." I said in my head. Usually I tried to do something with my hair to make up for that ugly jumpsuit, but of course I hadn't on that day. Why could anything be easy, right? "Oh? We did?" I lied. Of course I knew we did! Well, I mean I had only just put two and two together but you get it! This whole thing was all so overwhelming. 

      "You met yesterday? Where the hell did you meet yesterday?" Brian interjected, genuinely confused. "Yeah!" Billie said excitedly. "I was meeting with some executives for the Broadway thing we're doing, and I saw her running for the door with her hands full. She looked stressed so, y'know, I ran and held the door for her." he explained casually. I turned around to pretend I was doing something under the hood of the car. I really didn't want anyone noticing how much I was blushing, or Brian to mention my other jobs and bringing the attention back to me. I'd already made a fool of myself and I just wanted a clean exit at this point. "Basically we're just working out stage hands, choreographers, some of the chorus line. Y'know. Finer details" Billie explained. "Choreographers?!" I heard Brian chime in. "Brian. Why? No no no no no" I said over and over under my breath. "Well boy do I know someone!" He said, turning and drawing everyone's eyes back over to me. "Dylan! Did you hear that?" He said, in that same shitty, shitty tone. "Oh. Yeah cool." I said, not even looking up. At  this point, I was sweating buckets. At least out of all this I'd have a good story I thought, trying to calm myself down.  "Dylan's a choreographer! AND she teaches dance" he said. "Oh really?" Billie said, raising his eyebrows  "Uh..." I managed to choke out. "She is! She's working on Grease right now" Brian said excitedly. "That explains why I saw you running in there yesterday" Billie laughed. "Ha. Yeah" I said awkwardly. See, I'm not the most confident person out there. I couldn't even toot my own horn if I wanted to, so naturally there was a palpable, uncomfortable silence. "Well! You're all good to go here" I said breaking it. "Whatever you did to this really did a number on her. Try not to do it again eh?" I said to Mike. He hung his head and Billie smacked his arm. "Thanks so much, Dylan. See you soon." Billie said, smiling.  I nodded and waved as they walked out. "What did he mean by THAT?!" I screamed in my head. I thought about it for a solid minute but I decided not to dwell on it and move on. He was just being polite! And anyway, I had some stuff to finish up here before I went down to my studio. No time to worry about what would never happen.


	3. “I wanted to know more.”

September 9th, 12:30 PM

I left the auto shop around noon, still in complete shock. I had agreed to meet Rachel for lunch, but I needed to clear my head first and get my poker face on. See, I planned on definitely not telling her about what happened that day. Surely she would blow it way out of proportion and I wasn't really in the mood for that kind of excitement. I quickly ran home to trade my jumpsuit for my dance bag so I could go straight to the studio after lunch. I stopped for a second to fill Brad in, grab a pepperoni stick and throw my hair out of my face. "I'll probably be home for dinner" I told him. He just stared at me. "great talk, my dude" I said, throwing my bag over my shoulder and heading for the door. I decided to leave my car at home and walk to our meeting spot. That gave me some more time to breathe, clear my head and process what the fuck had happened. 

     I met Rachel at the closest subway stop, and we walked the rest of the block and a half to the little coffee shop we always went to close to my studio. We sat on the patio, making the best of what was left of the nice weather, as I tried my best to play it cool. But as you can imagine, she wasn't buying it. She knew me way too well.  
"What happened" she asked, leaning back in her chair and folding her arms. "Literally nothing happened." I lied "I fixed a jenky rental car that this guy did something to" (side note- I still don't know what he could have run over for it to make that sound, and to this day it still bothers me) "I fixed the stupid thing, we talked to him and his buddy and now I'm here." I explained, taking a sip of my coffee, and trying to avoid everything. "What were their names?" She pressed. "Why does that matter?" I said getting obviously more anxious. "Why does it matter? Dylan you're practically giddy" Rachel said smirking. "Giddy? No. Uncomfortable? Very." She stared at me silently, out the top of her eyes until I finally cracked. "The one who wrecked the car was Mike and his buddy was Billie Joe or something" I said, obviously lying. Trying to play it off like I was way more chill about this than I actually was. "Wait" she said slamming her cup on the table. "Rachel. Shh" I hissed. "Shush?! You're about to tell me to shush?! YOU LOVE GREEN D-" I slammed my hand over her mouth to cut her off before she could finish. "I know. I know. But they can't know that and I'm sure all of Manhatten doesn't need to either." I snapped. Rachel just laughed as the whole patio turned to look at the scene she caused. "So what about the door man?" She prodded, trying to bug me even further. If there's one thing Rachel knew how to do it was push my buttons "See...here's the thing" I began. "Turns out Billie Joe was the guy who held the door for me." Her eyes nearly burst out of their sockets. "WHAT!? HOW COULD YOU NOT NOTICE! YOU'RE IN LOV-" "will you keep it down and let me explain?" I interrupted. "I didn't have my glasses on, he was surrounded by girls who are taller than both of us so I couldn't see over them, and he had sunglasses covering his beautiful green eyes, Ok?!" I whispered, explaining myself. Rachel slapped her knee and leaned forward , jaw agape. For the first time ever, I had rendered Rachel speechless. It was really validating to be totally honest. She was silent for a solid minute and a half, eyes wide in shock. I waved my hand in front of her face to try and break her stare, to no avail. I sighed, looked at my watch and stood up. "Ok when you've...recovered from this, call me! I have some classes to teach" I said, strutting out of the restaurant completely satisfied. 

     I spent my afternoon teaching dance lessons to people's shitty kids, and working on the choreography for the closing number in Grease. Christine had expressed that she wouldn't dance a single step of the choreo I had already finished, so it was either change it, or I deal with her screaming and throwing an adult sized temper tantrum. The sad part was, Changing an entire dance, re-teaching it to the cast, and starting from scratch was easier than dealing with that fuckin banshee. I just prayed to whatever deity existed or didn't, that the cast wouldn't be too angry. Chances are Christine would hate what I did anyway, but hopefully she'd he this one a little less. After all that bullshit, I decided to hang around the studio to break in some new pointe shoes I had custom made. It was finally time for me to be alone. Alone time was rare, so I looked forward to the hour or two I got once in a blue moon. I walked over to the old record player in the corner, put on a beat up old copy of Let it Be, took a deep breath and sighed. 

     It was around 8:30 pm and he street was quiet. The sun had begun to set and was casting an orange glow over the studio as it dipped below the horizon . My studio was in this really old building with giant windows, so the light just flooded in and danced around off the mirrors. The room itself was bare brick, original beams reaching across the ceilings and beautiful hardwood flooring. Let me tell you, I sacrificed so much to be able to rent that place. My apartment was tiny in comparison, but I didn't care. I would have lived in a closet if it meant I could still have that studio.  
I sat on the floor with my sewing kit, stretching as I worked. After I had broken the shank and sewn in my elastics, I was ready to take them for a test run. Like I said before, times like these were the only time I really got to myself since I'm a bit of a workaholic. In all honesty, I think I probably used that as a coping mechanism. The busier I was, the less I could think about everything and truthfully, that suited me just fine. 

     I warmed up for about an hour, stretching out nearly every muscle I had, making sure I wouldn't pull anything. See, I was 27 at the time and wasn't getting any younger so warm up took twice as long as it used to, much to my impatience and chagrin. But after all that, I was finally ready to properly dance. I went over to my record player and rifled through the records I had there. I settled on Zeppelin II and dropped the needle on the Battle of Evermore. With one last deep breath, I started dancing.

     By then, the sun had fully set and it was dark in the studio. The only thing illuminating the room were a few dim Edison bulbs hanging from the ceiling. As the song played, I was completely immersed in the dance. It was my way of forgetting everything and getting completely lost . When I danced, nothing else mattered. Just then, my focus was broken into pieces when I heard a knock on the door frame. I turned around quickly, heart racing. I was supposed to be the only person in the building! I thought someone had broken in and was about to kill me and wear my skin or whatever, but it turns out I had just forgotten to lock the door. However, that realization didn't slow my heart rate any further. In fact , my heart dropped into the deepest pit of my stomach when I saw who was leaning on the door frame. It was Billie Joe. 

     "Oh my god. You scared me!" I said, hand over my heart as I tried to catch my breath. I turned the music down and walked over to him, shaking. "Hey" he said with a warm smile. "Hi?" I responded, confused and stupidly star struck. "What's up? How did you...find my studio?" I asked, genuinely confused. It's not every day your idol shows up to your dance studio! "Oh! I really wanted to talk to you!" he started, "So I went back down to the auto shop and obviously weren't there, so Brian told me where to find you and, y'know, long story short here I am" he explained. I was shocked. Utterly shocked. I tried my best to hide it, but I'm sure he knew just how nervous I was. "How long had you been there anyway? Sorry for not noticing!" I stammered, rubbing the back of my neck. He laughed and shook his head. "I've been here for like, 5 minutes. I didn't want to interrupt." He said. "Love the dance by the way!" I raised my eyebrows a bit in shock. "Th..thank you! It's nothing really...just dicking around." I said quietly, looking down at my feet to hide the fact that all the blood in my entire body had rushed to my face. "He liked my dance. Billie Joe Armstrong likes my dance" I hissed in my head, unable to fully grasp what was happening. Realizing I was being a terrible host, I snapped out of it, shaking my head. "Fuck. Sorry, I'm the worst! Wanna come In?" I asked, gesturing for him to come properly inside. He laughed a warm laugh that sent may entire being into a tizzy. "I'd love to" he said, gently placing a hand on my arm. 

     "Wow. This place is fancy!" he exclaimed, gawking up at the high ceiling as I lead him inside. "Sure is. You should see the grotto I live in just so I can keep this place" I laughed. "So what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked pulling up two chairs. A small glimmer of excitement flickered into his green eyes, making my stomach do summer salts. "Well. I really wanted to talk to you about this whole dance thing" he started "I was really interested in what Brian mentioned and I wanted to know more." I was silent for a minute, jaw dropped slightly. "Dylan?" He said, snapping his fingers in front of my face, breaking my trance "Hm? What?" I said in disbelief. There was no way this was happening I thought. My palms began to sweat with nervousness, and I hoped he wouldn't notice me wiping them on my pants. Because that should have been my biggest worry. "well..." he stuttered, suddenly sounding almost shy, "I wanted to come down here and ask you if you'd like to work with us on Amrrican Idiot. Y'know, only if you want to!" he assured "I was going to come down and ask what kind of stuff you do, but shit y'know, you did one better! I've seen all I need to know I want you on the team." He said excitedly. "Brian said you're familiar with, our stuff right?" I was dumbfounded. No, dumbfounded would have been an understatement. I was completely floored. This could change my entire life. This'd mean I would have to quit the auto shop to make room for both this and Grease. All these thoughts spun around my head as I tried to find my words.  
"Uh, your stuff?" I choked out, "yeah I've heard it a bit" I lied. Who the fuck did I think I was kidding? A bit?! Fuck, I grew up with their music and I was obsessed! Billie Joe was my first crush for Christ sake! I had posters of him in my bedroom! He was the reason I was still fucking alive! But he could never know that. That would make this weirder than it already was. A million things were still rushing through my mind as I tried to gain composure and a cool head (Or at least fake it, anyway).

     "Wow, uh... Mr. Armstrong I'm not so sure. I mean, you haven't even seen anything really!" I said frantically, trying to sound professional or something equally stupid. "Mr. Armstrong huh?" He laughed, wrinkling his nose "Trust me, Dylan. Ive seen all I need to to know you're perfect." He said, looking me up and down. "He called me perfect" I repeated over and over in my head. Nobody had ever called me perfect before. Let alone someone who meant this much to me, and coming from him? Well frankly, It made my insides melt. But I wasn't going to give in to his charm, that would be too easy. Giving in got me nothing but trouble in the past, and I wasn't about to back down now. "I'll think about it" I said firmly, folding my arms and trying to act like I still had the upper hand. "Okay, Dylan. You think about it" he said winking. He looked down at his phone to see the time. "You eaten yet?" He asked. That was forward I thought. "Uh no?" I answered hesitantly. "Good! Me either. Let's go!" he said getting up from his chair and offering his hand to help me up. "Uh... ok?" I answered quietly, placing my clammy hand in his. Admittedly, I was confused. Flattered! But confused. As we walked towards the door of my studio, I looked down at my feet. "Shit." I said "what's the matter?" He asked. "Well. I can't really go out in these. They're brand new!" I said, pointing to my new pointe shoes. "I just spent an hour breaking the shank the way I like it". I ran to the back of the studio to grab my converse, untying the ribbons as I ran. Billie looked confused "so you buy new shoes...to break them?" He asked. "Actually? Yes" I laughed, slipping on my sneakers as I walked back towards him. "You're going to have to explain that one to me" he said putting his hand on the small of my back, gently guiding me out the doorway. His touch sent shivers up my spine. I had no idea why he made me feel the way he did, but boy was I ever apprehensive. I've never been okay with crushes and I wasn't about to start then. 

     We walked about a block and ended up at this small cafe near the studio. The entire walk there my heart was racing. How could this have been my life? I asked myself. It was all too good to even be real, but somehow there I was. As we were seated at our table, I was convinced it was going to be awkward. Usually I consider myself a fairly good conversationalist, but I just knew I'd be sitting there like a babbling idiot in front of the one person I felt I had to impress. I was always like that around crushes, and surely this would have made it even worse. But to my surprise, Billie had a ton of questions. "So do you play any instruments? Do you have any siblings? Where did you grow up? How many styles? Styles right? Of dance do you do?" He spat out quickly, barely taking time to breathe. "Easy there, Big Shoots! You're full of questions aren't you?" I said raising an eyebrow. "Uh...I play a few instruments." I began "Guitar, drums, piano, banjo and accordion. My family is really musical. As for siblings, I have five brothers, one of them is my twin. We have two sets of twins actually, must run in the family. Oh! and Rachel, my best friend. She's practically a sister to me. I grew up in a small town near St. John's Newfoundland, Canada called Blackhead which, despite the way gross name is actually gorgeous. It's close to Cape Spear. So anyway, when I was around 14 we relocated to Maryland for my dad's work. He was in the navy so it was to be expected. They all moved back to Canada once he retired though. As for dance, I mainly do ballet, contemporary, tap and swing dance. Anything else?" I asked him, folding my arms and leaning back in my chair. He shook his head, laughing gently . "Nope, no. I think you pretty much covered everything" he assured. Thank god I thought. That was about to go way too deep waaay too quick. 

     I decided I'd be polite and ask him about his life so I didn't seem like a freak. I already knew nearly everything he told me, but I acted surprised so well that my performance could have earned me an Oscar. We sat there, chatting and laughing for over an hour. Talking to him was so natural and easy that before I knew it, the cafe was about to close. We gathered up our stuff and made our way to the door. He opened the door for me, and followed closely behind. "So you'll think about what I asked you?" He said, turning to face me. His stupid , gorgeous green eyes, gazing into mine. Shit I thought, if he wasn't so damn charming this would be easy. Realizing I was staring, I shook my head , bringing me back to reality. "Relax. You'll get your answer soon enough" I said firmly, putting my hand on my hip. He smirked and folded his arms , "you'll come around eventually" he said with a wink. I could feel myself blushing (and quickly) so I looked at the ground, hoping he wouldn't notice. But of course he did, you'd have to be blind or something to not notice that garbage. "you're cute" he laughed. Of course that made me blush even harder. It was like he was trying to crack me. So anyway, we said our goodbyes, parted ways and I started the half a block walk back to my apartment. Billie offered to walk me home, but I needed a minute alone to figure my shit out. 

     See, I don't usually let people in even that little bit very quickly at all, but there was something about Billie Joe that I trusted. Maybe it was his kind eyes or the fact that it felt like I'd known him for years already. That in itself made me uneasy. I tried to shove it all to the back of my mind, putting my walls back up. I didn't like it when people tried to get close to me, really. There was a reason I only had a couple of friends. I liked it that way. I was finally at a place in my life where I was happy, or so I thought, and letting people get close had only burned me in the past. If I put my walls back up, nothing had to change , and that was the way I wanted it. I wanted everything to stay the same. I'd never see Billie again, I'd go back to my comfort zone and the happiness I had created for myself. But I'll tell you one thing- I was in for much more than I bargained for.


	4. “You know why I’m here.”

September 12th, 11:45 AM

     I was at the shop on my day off finishing up a little restoration project I was working on. Remember the Chevy Bel Air I mentioned? Yeah, that. It was going to be a birthday gift for my dad and I planned on taking a little road trip back home to surprise him with it eventually. But for now, the shop was closed so it was just me there. Brian trusted me enough to give me my own key to come and go as I pleased, which I took full advantage of.  

       I had been working away for over am hour when I heard the phone ring from across the shop. It honestly scared the shit out of me, making me nearly jump out of my skin. I hauled myself out from under the car,  wiped my hands on the rag I kept in my back pocket and ran to pick it up. "Shanley's auto body- Dylan speaking." I spat out, frantically and out of breath. "So what did you decide?" A familiar voice  on the other end asked. "Billie Joe!?" I snapped, genuinely shocked. Boy was he was crafty, I’ll give him that.

      It was that moment I fully accepted there was absolutely no way I was going to avoid this. As sure as god’s got sandals he wasn’t about to let me just forget and move on, but I'll be damned if I didn't try to put it off for just a little while longer. What can I say, I'm not the best decision maker alright? Plus I could feel myself developing this big, robust crush that I wanted to completely deny and avoid until I died. He wasn't going to be in New York for long, anyway! No way was I letting myself get hurt like that again.  "Do you not give up?" I asked, chuckling slightly. "Don't make me come down there!" He said laughing. I shook my head in disbelief  "Billie, I've gotta go. I'm super busy" I said hanging up the phone, not even giving him a chance to answer.

      I went back to working on the Bel Air for the rest of the day. Truthfully I could have called it finished weeks prior, but since it was a gift for my dad I wanted to make it perfect…or at least that’s what I told myself. In reality, I’m sure I was doddling, wasting time to keep myself distracted. By then It was around 4:30 and I was locking up the shop, about to walk home. I locked the door, checked it a few times and turned to face the street. But as I turned, my heart jumped into my throat. There was Billie, Leaning against the wall.

      "Make your decision yet?" He asked smugly. My hand shot up to my heart and my jaw dropped. “Jesus CHRIST, Billie! You scared me shitless!” I gasped. “what the fuck are you doing here!?” He raised his eyebrows and folded his arms . “I told you, ‘don’t make me come down here. You hung up the phone without answering my question so here I am.” I shook my head and sighed "Give up Billie. Not happening" I said walking the opposite direction. I could hear his laughter as he followed me, so I quickened my pace to a jog, trying my damnedest to avoid him. See this was my problem! This shit is what made Rachel furious. Whether it was for business, friendships, romantic relationships, anything! As soon as people take interest in me? I get scared and run away. I like to go under the radar, do my job, and slip away undetected. This time was even worse. Not only did my actual idol want me to work with him, but I had this nasty little crush to worry about. Surely if I said yes, I’d embarrass myself so brutally in front of him and the rest of the guys that I’d have to move back to Canada, dye my hair and change, my name. I guess I thought I had made my decision right then and there. Nothing had to change, right? 

     I basically sprinted home and locked the door behind me. I waited by the entrance with Brad, expressing my frustration to him.  “Ok so here are the pro’s of working on this, ok? Take notes.” I said, pacing around my tiny apartment. “So, I’d get to work on a really incredible project, I’d get to meet all of Green Day, I’d get my name out there and most importantly I’d get to work with Billie.” Brad listened intently as I rambled. He was a phenomenal listener. “And here are the cons…” I sighed “I’d have to work with Billie.” I said, putting my head in my hands and sliding down the wall. I let out a giant groan as I slumped over on the floor. “If I work with him, either he’ll find out about this big old dirty crush and be so uncomfortable that he fires me, or I’ll have to hide it a and let it eat me up.” I explained.  “Either way I’m fucked.” I whined, fully lying on the floor, brad lying with me in solidarity. I waited like that for what I figured would be long enough that Billie wouldn't still be looking for me. “Fuck it” I huffed as I stood up, finally. “Might as well be productive” I sighed. I grabbed my choreo books, dance clothes, and a pepperoni stick and made a quick escape to the studio. Even though it was my day off, I needed to blow off some steam. 

     Surprisingly, I was getting so much done that night. I guess the nervous energy really worked in my favour.  Besides, Sunday evenings were my favourite; no interruptions, no students, nothing. Just me and my music. Finally I was calm, but of course that was to be short lived. Why could my life be normal in any way, right? I was in the middle of doing some a la second turns when I came to a sharp stop facing the door. When I opened my eyes, my heart sank and my stomach turned. It was as if the universe couldn’t ever give me a break. …of course Billie was standing in the doorway. 

      "Jesus Christ Armstrong" I said, holding my position en pointe. "You better be here for a private dance lesson!" I scolded. He strode into the studio, jacket draped over his arm. "You know why I'm here" he said smirking. Alright, that was it. I couldn't avoid it anymore. I had to decide, right then and there. "I…I just have a few concerns" I sighed, sitting cross legged on the floor. "Go ahead" he said smiling gently and joining me. "Alright look, I'm nervous. I don't think I'm that great!” I admitted “Sure I've choreographed some big name productions, but at the end of the day what does that even matter? I'm just a tiny woman from a small ass town. I’m just so unsure! I mean, I'd even have to leave my job at the shop!" Billie bit his bottom lip and looked at the floor. The twinkle in his eye I’d become so used to had faded, and he looked like he was preparing for the worst. "However…" I continued. He turned his focus back to me and his eyes lit up again. "My friend is always saying I need to take more risks again…" his lips turned up into an almost overjoyed smile. "Is that you saying you'll do it?" He said excitedly. I sighed and shook my head. "I cant believe I’m about to say this!” I laughed “Sure. Yes. I’ll do it. I'll work with you guys.” Billie leaped up , clapping his hands like an excited little boy.  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too excited yet, Big Shoots. You owe me one after this." I winked. Billie couldn't have looked more relieved. He held out his hand to help me up. I gladly took it as he hoisted me up, pulling me into a huge hug. “God damn it, Dylan I’m so glad you came around.” He said, squeezing me tighter. “Jesus, Bill. You’re gonna snap me in half” I choked. “Shit! Sorry!” he laughed,  pulling away. Now, the stupid thing is I didn’t want that to ever end. Hugging him felt so right. It almost felt like fireworks or sparks or something between us. That was weird to me…real weird. Oh no I thought. I was in fucking deep now. There was certainly no turning back! A new, really weird, exceptionally terrifying,  exciting part of my life was beginning, whether I liked it or not.


	5. “There’s no way this is my life.”

September 17th, 10:30 AM

    "What do you mean you're putting in your two weeks!?" Brian croaked, nearly sobbing. "Look, I'm sorry! But you knew I wasn't going to be working with you for long" I explained. “And I’ve been offered the opportunity of a lifetime! As much as I wanted to, there was no way I could live with myself if I said no. And Hey! This is all technically your fault!” I chuckled. “If you recall , you’re the one who had to mention what I do to Billie Joe. You even told him where to find me on the night he asked me! You knew this was coming, Bri.” Brian nodded, admitting defeat.  " I guess I just didn’t think he’d take you away from me. I'm…I’m just gonna miss you is all! You're the best we've got!" he explained, looking down at his shoes. I'll admit it was hilarious seeing such a huge, tough man, butt hurt about losing a tiny girl mechanic like me, but I'd save my laughter for later. "Dude" I said reaching up, putting a hand on his shoulder "I'm just around the corner if you ever need me. Besides, I'll be around working on my projects that I initially rented out space here for in the first place. Any time you need me, I'm here." I laughed. I glanced up at the clock above the reception desk "Shit, I gotta go. Billie's meeting me at the studio and we're going down to the theatre to talk over some blocking with the director." I looked up at Brian, the tough as nails, hard shelled mechanic I’d grown to love so much, and saw his eyes welling up with tears. That was certainly enough to set me off as well. I wiped my eyes and laughed slightly. "Oh for Christ sake. I'll see you tomorrow! The hell am I'm weeping for?!" He laughed and pulled me into a hug "it's the end of an era, Dyl. That's why". We stood there embracing in silence for a minute. I didn't want to go! I knew letting go meant I had to actually do these new, terrifying things. I was excited, but obviously nervous. “Thank you for everything.” I said quietly, breaking the embrace with Brian. We said one last goodbye and I began the walk into my new life to meet Billie. 

     When I got to the studio, Billie was already sitting on the stoop waiting for me. As soon as his eyes met mine, a smile spread widely across his face and he shot up to greet me. “Morning, Dylan!” he said excitedly, running over to me and engulfing  me in a hug. "Whoa, jeez. Hold your horses, Bill. Why so excited?! Wait...did you just smell my hair?" I said laughing. He let go of me, blushing. "Just...y'know. Excited for you to meet the guys." He confessed, looking down at his shoes and running his fingers through his hair. Seeing him suddenly so bashful was adorable I won't lie. I couldn't help but smile. But then it hit me: meet the guys. “Wait…who am I meeting today? Suddenly any confidence I had, turned into sheer terror. “I shouldn’t say the guys I guess.” He began “you’ve already met Mike” he laughed. Fuck I thought. For some reason, in my delusional head, meeting directors was somehow less intimidating than meeting my absolute favourite band. Great. “…Dylan??” I heard Billie say as I snapped out of my worried trance, and back to this weird ass reality. “There she is! Thought we’d lost you.” He joked. I smiled weakly and we made our way to my car. 

     “Holy shit!” Billie exclaimed when we turned the corner and my car came into sight. “This is your car!?” He ran up to my white, 1956 Ford Fairlane, jaw dropped. “Yep!” I replied casually. “Where did you find this!?” He asked me, eagerly. “Oh I built it myself.” I told him. “The body cost me next to nothing. It’s a resto mod.” I continued. “Wait. What?” He laughed. “A resto mod!” I said, leading him to the front of the car and opening the hood. “The mechanicals are mostly 1976 Gran Torino. It has the rebuild 351 Windsor engine with  Performer manifold, Performer Camshaft and kit, and dropped 600 CFM electric choke carburetor. I put in C4 transmission and an  8 Inch rear end too.  The exhaust has Flowmaster mufflers with 1970 Mustang concourse tips. She’s also sporting power Rack and Pinion steering attached to a Gran Torino tilt steering column.” I explained. Now, up until that point, I hadn’t seen Billie speechless…but I think I had just done it. “You Ok?” I asked, noticing he hadn’t said anything for a while. I looked over to him, staring at my car, wide eyed. “Dylan, this is so fucking cool.” He extolled. “It’s nothing really” I said quietly , shuttling the hood. “Are you kidding me or Something?” He shouted with laughter. “Stop being so fucking humble already!” he joked, throwing his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a side hug. I narrowed my eyes and looked up at him. “Do you wanna drive her?” I chuckled. “More than anything!” he gasped. I rolled my eyes and threw him the keys, walking over to the passengers side. 

     I opened the door and sat down. It was surreal to be in the passengers side and it was already making me anxious. As Billie got in a and sat down,  I was overcome with panic. My Dookie tape was left out between the drivers and passengers seats. I grabbed it quickly and chucked it in my purse, hoping he didn’t notice. But of course I wasn’t so lucky. “what the hell was that?” He asked. I searched my brain for a decent excuse,  to no avail. “Girl stuff.” I spat out after what felt like an eternity. “Gross” he said, wrinkling his nose. You could probably see the fear in my eyes and sweat on my forehead from the space station, so I looked the other way, pretending to be fiddling with my seat belt. Luckily, Billie was far too excited to even think about that for too long  

     He put the key in the ignition, turned it and grinned as the engine purred. “You better drive safely.” I scolded. “I never let anyone drive this.” I said, putting my feet up on the dashboard. “Not even Rachel?” He asked surprised “you kidding? Especially not Rachel.” I scoffed. “I’ve never met a worse driver than  Rachel Plasket. The people who agree to get in a car with her must have a death wish.” I said nonchalantly, taking a pepperoni stick out of my purse and taking a bite. “Oh so I’m special Then?” He teased, raising his eyebrows. “Just don’t fuck it up, Big Shoots.” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “I’ll take that as a yes” he said smugly, giving the car a little gas. 

     I figured it would have been hard not to be a backseat driver (especially when someone else was driving my baby) but I was pleasantly surprised! Billie was an exceptional driver. But although his driving wasn’t making me nervous anymore, I still had butterflies in my stomach. I shouldn’t have beaten myself up for it, really.  You’d feel the same if you knew you were about to meet your favourite band of all time. My mind was racing with what I would say,  how I’d hide just how obsessed I was, how I was going to hide my stupid crush,  everything. I guess Billie noticed I was quiet, and finally said something. “You Alright, Dyl?” He asked gently. Now,  I know he was just being considerate but that sealed my fate. Only my family and close friends called me Dyl and hearing him call me that made my heart skip a beat and my palms begin to sweat again. “Oh. Yeah I’m ok. Just nervous is all.” I confessed. “Oh come on!” he laughed “you have nothing to be worried about!” I shook my head. “What if they don’t like me?” I asked, in a moment of pure vulnerability. “well, you’ve already met Mike. He likes you!” He started “But, y’know, being around Tré is an adventure most of the time anyway so I get it.” He joked. “But you’ll be fine” He assured me, putting his hand on my thigh “You’re like, the coolest person I know” he said softly. “You’re just saying that because I’m letting you drive my car.” I quipped “baby you can drive my car, and maybe I love you” he sang as we pulled up to the rehearsal space that the guys were apparently waiting at. I collected my thoughts, trying to brush off what he just said. He certainly wasn’t making this easy for me. Surely it was so just nothing but a harmless Beatles tune, right? 

     Billie honked the horn excitedly,  and two figures appeared from around the side of the building. One bouncing ahead and the other sauntering behind. “Check it out!!” Billie yelled, leaning out the window. “Holy shit Billie, what’s this!?” shouted Tré, as he bounded over to us. “How did you get a hold of this?” Mike asked, following closely behind. Billie and I stepped out of the car, and he leaned against the closed door. “It’s mine!” he said smugly, folding his arms. I couldn’t help but let out a snorting laugh. “You wish!” I said, making my way towards him, hands on my hips. “Yeaaah it’s Dylan’s. How cool is it though?!” Billie practically shouted with excitement. “She built this fuckin thing!” he gushed. “Easy there, it’s nothing really. Oh, hi Mike! How’s the rental?” I said with a wink. He looked down at his shoes and scratched the back of his neck. “It’s good. Thanks again!” he said shyly, followed by a guttural laugh from Billie. “Wait! So this is the Dylan you can’t shut up about?” Tré chimed in. “Uh…” I stumbled. Tré’s comment took me off guard. What had Billie said about me? I could feel all three of them starting at me, waiting for my response. “Uh…yeah, I’m Dylan. Hi!” I said extending my hand to shake his. Instead, he took it and kissed the back. “Jesus Tré, calm down.” Billie interrupted. “Don’t worry, Billie. Not tryin’ to move in on your lady!” Tré said, throwing his hands up. I glanced over at Billie who was blushing furiously. Although I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I tried my best to keep my cool. I was sure Tré was just joking. Probably trying to make everyone feel awkward for a laugh. At least that's what I was going to tell myself in that moment. Right then, I needed to be professional. I could worry about it later over a stiff drink with Brad. 

     "So!" Billie said, clapping to break the painfully awkward silence. "Now that Tre made us all fucking uncomfortable as shit, should we get started?" Mike chuckled "you'll get used to Tré, don't worry." He reassured me as we stood there watching him prance towards the entrance. 

     The "meeting", if you could call it that, went far better than I expected. I figured I'd just let Billie do all the talking, while I sat there quietly, trying not to projectile vomit out of sheer nervousness. But Mike and Tré  were both so nice to me! They truly made me feel like we'd been friends for years. Conversation was flowing , and Billie looked on with what could only be described as pride. We spent so much time getting to know each other, joking, laughing and talking about the show that I had completely lost track of time.  Before I knew it, it was well into the evening. "Oh shit! Sorry, boys but I gotta run!" I said as I glanced at the time on my phone. "What's the rush? Do you hate us or what?" Tré quipped. "Oh it's nothing personal!" I started "My twin brother Johnny and I Skype twice a week and if I miss it he gets upset." I explained, making my way to the door.  "Well it was great to finally really meet you, Dylan" Mike said, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Our dancers are in great hands with you." He said, smiling warmly. "Billie was right. You're awesome." Tré chimed in. "God. If I knew I was coming here to get my ego stroked I would have agreed way earlier!" I laughed. "Night guys." I said, turning and heading back to my car. 

     I got outside and the air bit at my face slightly. I hadn't brought my jacket, but I didn't care, I still had a smile on my face. In fact, it wouldn't go away. I had made it to my car when I heard a voice in the distance calling my name. I turned around to see Billie running towards me. "Dylan! You're gonna need these!" He called, out of breath, waving my keys around. "Christ almighty. Thanks!" I said. He smiled and looked at the ground, hands in his pockets and kicking a rock gently. "So, y'know...thanks for doing this, Dylan." He said quietly. "You have no idea how much I wanted you to work with us." He confessed, chuckling slightly. "Oh shut up, I'm not special." I said, obviously blushing. He shook his head, stepped forward and pulled me into a tight hug. "Don't say shit like that!" He scolded "You're so much more than that." He sighed under his breath. "Pardon??" I asked, backing away from the hug. "Hm? Nothing. Thanks again, Dyl. Now go! Johnny's gonna be piiiiiissed." He joked, punching my shoulder slightly. "Shit! Right!" I said, remembering why I'd even left in the first place. "Night Billie Joe." I said softly. He smiled gently and waved as I drove off. 

     After my Skype call with Johnny and I was finally alone with my thoughts, my brain had a second to process what was happening. "What the fuck am I doing?" I said to myself aloud. "What the fuck are you even doing, Dylan?" I repeated as I took spoonfuls of ice cream directly out of the tub and shovelled them into my mouth. I paced around my tiny apartment, brad following me closely. "This can't be happening! This is all too good to be true. What did he mean when he said I'm 'so much more than that'? Is that what he even said? Am I making shit up because I want it to be true? Ugh I want it to be true so bad." I whined flopping face first on to my chesterfield. "I can't let myself feel like this, Brad. He won't be here for long in the grand scheme of things." I sighed. "But all that aside even I'm still pinching myself! There's no way this is my life. Something bad's gonna happen, watch!" I said to Brad "I'll fuck something up like I always do, but this time I'd disappoint my actual idols. Perfect!" I whined. I stayed like that, babbling my sorrows to Brad for most of the evening, before finally passing out in a salty pool of my own pathetic tears.  Even though I'd had an incredible night, when I was alone, my self doubt and hatred came to the surface. I couldn't help but feel this way. I'd come so far in personal growth, but we all have our moments, right? But my moment had to be short lived. I didn't have time to grovel. I picked myself up, dusted off and went to bed. As much as I wished it wouldn't sometimes, life had to go on. And even though I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, I had so many people counting on me to be stable. And most importantly, Billie.


	6. “It’s really hard to not look nervous.”

October 10th, 6:38 PM

 

I had been working on American Idiot for quite some time at that point, Or at least it felt like a long time. It really felt like I’d known the guys for years! We spent nearly every day together, even well into the evening, laughing and joking like old friends. Fuck, if you had have told 16 year old me that I’d grow up to be best friends with my favourite band I’d have told you to get fucked. Both because stuff like that only happens in fan fiction, and because I don’t make friends easily, let alone super close friends so quickly. If I sat and thought about it too long it made me uneasy, really. So instead I just enjoyed every day as much as I could, and this day was no different.

Mike and I were the first to show up for our “meeting”, and he was waiting at the door with coffee for me. “Morning, Michael! How’re you Now?” I said cheerfully, taking my coffee. “Morning, Dylan. I’m good…if that’s what you’re asking .” He said with a hearty laugh. “That’s what I love about you. You always have a smile on your face and something…different to say.” He laughed. “Oh whatever.” I said, blushing. “I’m nothing special, shut up.” I continued. “Well that’s not what Billie says.” He said casually, sipping his coffee. “Wait, what?” I snapped. “Wait, you didn’t notice? He thinks the world of you.” He started. “I’ve never seen him like this before, man. And I’ve known him forever!” he joked. I fell completely silent, trying to find the right words. “He has to be kidding, right?” I repeated over and over in my head. That had to be some kind of sick joke. Luckily for me, Tré came bounding up the stairs, giving me a much needed subject change. “Morning, dudes!” he said happily. “Billie will be here soon. He said we can go get started without him.” Mike said . “Good! All he does is talk about Dylan anyway” Tré laughed. “And since you’re here now it won’t feel like he’s even gone!” he said, gently punching my shoulder. “Jeez, boys. Didn’t know I came here to get my ego stroked.” I said, unlocking the door and leading the way to the workspace, the boys laughing and following close behind.

Now, every day after “work” Billie insisted he walk me home. I wasn’t sure the reason, but I didn’t complain. In fact, I loved spending time with him so much that some nights I walked extra slow so it wouldn’t end so quickly. So that night, we were walking in the direction of my place in mostly comfortable silence. By then, I had gotten to know him fairly well! It had never happened to me before, but I can say in full confidence that we became best friends really quickly. So the silence definitely wasn't uncomfortable.

We had been walking for several blocks by then, and I could feel him looking at me. I whipped my head around to face him. "What? Something on my face?" I asked, digging in my purse looking for a mirror. "Honestly you'd think I'd have learned my lesson. I can't eat messy foods around other people." I sighed. I finally found my mirror and looked, but saw nothing. I turned back to Billie, admittedly confused. He was looking down and smiling, a slight blush spread across his cheeks. "No. There wasn't anything." He said, rubbing my back gently. "Oh... Ok?" I said, raising an eyebrow. He smiled and blushed a little harder, putting his hands back in his pockets. It was adorable, don’t get me wrong! It was SO fucking adorable, but I wasn't about to let myself think that. I couldn't! For one; he absolutely didn't feel that way about me and never would. He was just being polite, and for another, this crush was getting way out of hand. Even if he did feel that way about me, we worked together! As a rule I never date anyone I work with. The old “never shit where you eat” rule. Not only that, but there was the obvious 13 year age difference and the fact that he had to leave New York sometime. But despite all that, I could feel it all just bubbling up. It was that kind of crush where your stomach drops when you see them and you forget how to speak properly. Which was obviously a huge problem since we were working so closely. Turns out it's really hard to not look nervous.

We kept walking and chatting for a while, doddling. It seemed like neither of us wanted to say goodbye. Between laughs, I looked up and saw the sky turning an angry shade of grey, and I could hear thunder rolling in from the distance. "Shit." Billie said, stopping and looking up too. As we gawked, a drop of rain hit me right in the eye. "Looks like we're about to get dumped on." I observed. Luckily for us though, we were getting close to my apartment. "Come on. We can go to my place" I said, walking ahead briskly. "Whoa, Dylan. At least buy me dinner first!" He said smirking. The rain started coming down heavier, quickly soaking our clothes. I turned sharply, hands on my hips to face a snickering Billie. "As much as that is truly charming and not disgusting at all, we don't have time to wine and dine." I said as I grabbed his wrist and started running. I could hear him laughing behind me as we bounded through puddles, racing against mother nature.

We were about a block from my house by the time the storm had escalated. It rendered us absolutely soaking wet, freezing cold and muddy. I swear to God, I’d been dryer coming straight out of a swimming pool. Although it was totally dangerous to be outside and I was terrified, I was suddenly more uneasy about Billie coming over. Sure he had been to my place before, but he never stayed long. Usually it was just to pick me up before work, and even then I met him outside. I wasn’t really embarrassed to show him my tiny closet of an apartment, no. It definitely wasn’t that. Mostly, I was embarrassed for him to see my record, cd and tape collection. No, not all the classic rock, punk and blues records I had, but the alarming amount of Green Day I had for someone who "only heard them a few times and wasn't really that much of a fan." My cover was about to be blown, bigtime.

We reached my front door and I scrambled through the puddles in my purse to find my keys. As I was fumbling, some lightning touched down just about a block away sending a surge of energy through the air, making me jump. "Hurry?" Billie laughed, hopping slightly to keep warm. After what felt like an eternity, I opened the door and we charged inside and up the four flights of stairs to the door to my apartment. Taking a deep breath, I unlocked the door and invited him inside.

I kicked off my shoes and threw my purse on the hook beside the door. "Hey Brad!" I yelled, turning on the lights. Billie looked confused. "Brad? Do you have a roommate? Or a boyfriend?" He asked quietly. I whipped around to face him, nearly bursting with laughter. I couldn’t believe I forgot to tell him. "What? Oh! No! Brad's my cat!" I cackled. I could have sworn he looked relieved when he saw that Brad was a cat, but I chose to ignore that. I sure as hell didn’t need any more to be nervous about.

As comedic timing would have it, Brad came trudging into the hallway to greet us. I bent down to pick him up to make introductions. "Bradley, this is my good friend Billie Joe" I said. Brad meowed and nuzzled his head into my shoulder. Billie was practically in tears laughing. I guess it isn’t every day you meet a cat called Bradley. “So! Welcome!” I said, putting Brad down. Billie wiped the tears from his eyes and looked around. “Wow! This place is awesome. I thought you said you lived in a fucking grotto.” He remarked, looking around at my décor. “I did! A grotto is a small, picturesque cave.” I explained, shaking my hair out in a towel and wrapping it around my head. I threw another to Billie who was shaking his head and laughing. “It’s really not a CAVE, you idiot.” He chuckled, drying his hair. "Well its certainly not shangri-la that’s for fuckin sure.” I sighed. “Well, I'm gonna go change. I'm soaked!" I said. "Oh! One of my brothers left some stuff here when he came down if you want to borrow it. Or you could wear my robe. Dealers choice." I said smirking. Billie raised his eyebrows and laughed "let's see what your brother left" he said. "Thank god. I was just being polite." I giggled. "Come on in! Make yourself comfortable!" I said gesturing into the living room where Brad sat, waiting on the couch.

I went into the bedroom to find the t shirt and sweat pants Daniel left. He was a lot taller than Billie, so I was sure it was going to be hilarious. "Feel free to put in some music!" I shouted, temporarily letting my excitement get the better of me, and forgetting about my dirty little secret. I dug through my drawer to find my “cutest” sweats, as if anything I could do would make him wanna put his tongue in my mouth, but whatever, can’t blame a girl for trying. I took one last look in the mirror to make sure I looked like I didn’t try too hard and noticed I had nearly forgotten my choker. Stupid thing was soaking wet and I shuddered putting it back on. But It was a big enough step having Billie in my home, and he sure as hell didn’t need to see the hideous secrets I kept under wraps.

After that ordeal, I emerged from the bedroom ready to throw the clothes to Billie but of course he was up to something. He was standing there beside my music collection, hands behind his back, with this smug, shit eating smirk on his face. I folded my arms and stuck a hip out. "What?" I asked. He narrowed his eyes and somehow smirked harder. "Whaaaaaat?" I whined. "Oh nothing...” He said. “Just, y’know, I like your collection there." He sneered. “My collection” I repeated in my head. With those words, my heart sank to my stomach, the colour drained from my face, and my eyebrows shot up. He slowly walked closer to me, revealing my original Dookie tape. The same tape I treasured with my life since the moment I put it in my boom box for the first time, all the way back in ’98. "So you've only heard us a few times right?" He teased "not reeeeally thaaaaat big of a fan, huh?" He continued, strutting over to the rest of my Green Day collection. He sat down and started flicking through the vinyl. Laughing, he pulled out my copy of American idiot. “I signed this one!?” He howled. My cheeks turned a bright shade of crimson and I scratched the back of my head, trying to find my words. “Uh. Yeah. My brother lined up to get it signed. It was a birthday gift.” I confessed sheepishly.

Billie tucked my record away and stood up to face me. Instead of continuing his smug façade, he looked at me with a gentle smile. “You know you could have just told me, right? Were you afraid I wouldn’t like you as much or something?” He asked. Thinking for a second, I snapped back. "Well…I couldn't let you win, Armstrong. You know I'm not like that." I said with a coy wink. He looked down and bit his lip. "You're feisty, Dylan. I like that". He said, in a deeper voice than before, looking at me from the top of his eyes. I felt a swarm of butterflies erupt in my stomach as he held this intense, prolonged eye contact with me. His gorgeous green eyes looking into my soul. “Uh…” I choked “So you gonna put some music on or what, Big Shoots?” I asked, throwing him Daniel's Toronto Blue Jays t shirt and sweat pants. "Jesus christ! This guy a giant or What!?” He exclaimed, unfolding the pants and holding them up to his legs. "Daniel’s 6’4” I explained. “Johnny and I got the short end of the straw in the family gene pool, unfortunately.” I giggled. “I think it’s cute. You’re fun sized.” He winked, heading to the bathroom to change. I took that opportunity to put the kettle on and freak out, silently screaming to Brad. “as if this is really happening!” I said quietly, throwing my weight against the wall. “You talking to yourself?” Billie laughed, emerging from the bathroom, drying his hair with the towel I’d given him. “Of course not. Uh…just asking Brad how his day was.” I said quickly. Of course THAT was the excuse my idiot brain came up with. Why WOULDN’T I have said something stupid. The kettle started to whistle, making me jump slightly. “Want some tea?” I blurted out, trying to quickly change the topic. “Sure! Why not?” He chuckled. I shakily grabbed two mugs, one that said “#1 Dad” and the other a souvenir name mug from Dollywood that said “Zachary” across the top. Just as I was pouring the boiling water, a huge crash of thunder followed by an astoundingly bright surge of lightning struck down just outside my door, covering the neighbourhood in deep, thick cloak of darkness.


	7. “I bet you have a really cool story.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Hey my dudes just so you know, this chapter comes with some trigger warnings: violence, heavy content and abuse. It goes more into detail Dylan's past. You've been warned!)

October 10th, 9:07 PM

“Shit.” I hissed, fumbling around trying to find candles. I tripped over Brad a few times who was following me, terrified. I heard Billie stumble further out of the bathroom and walk right into a chair in the living room on his way to find me. "Ow! Fuck! Is everything ok?!" He asked, straining his eyes, trying to see through the darkness. "Yeah, yeah everything’s fine. Some lightning must have hit a power line." I sighed. After blindly digging through my quintessential junk drawer, I finally found a lighter and started lighting all the candles I had.

"Holy shit, it's really comin down" Billie said, looking out the open window. I stood next to him, leaning slightly outside. All I could hear was the sounds of the storm, someone down below trying to outrun the rain, and a siren echoing in the distance. We stood there in relative silence for a while before I realized my record player could be used with batteries. So I went to turn some music on and invited Billie Joe to sit down. 

As soon as he sat on the couch, Bradley jumped right into his lap and made himself comfortable. I sat down in the chair next to the couch, took out my paper and pencils and started to sketch. We sat in comfortable silence for a minute before Billie broke it. "So what's your story?" He asked. I wasn't ready for that, I'll admit. "My story?" I questioned him. "Yeah. Who IS Dylan?" He asked. I thought for a moment, trying to find a way to approach this gently. "That's such a loaded question, Big Shoots." I sighed. He looked around the dark room and shrugged. "I got time." He said smiling. His smile was adorable and infectious, which made it really hard to say no. "Uh. Alright" I said, albeit wary. "Well, I was born in St. John's Canada… You knew that though. I uh, have five brothers… You also knew that..." I was trying to find an excuse not to talk about the rougher parts of my past, but as my luck would have it, that's exactly what he wanted to know about. "Dylan." he interrupted. My stomach rose into my throat every time he said my name, and when he was stern, it was even worse. "I do already know all that." he chuckled. "I want to know more, y'know." I stared at him for a minute both with apprehension and admittedly taking in his beautiful appearance. His hair had dried into its soft, natural curl and even in the darkness I could see the sparkles in his gorgeous green eyes. "You're really complex, Dylan. I bet you have a really cool story." He said softly. I took a deep breath , and began to talk.

"Uh alright, well my older brother is Daniel, the middle twins are Christopher and Andy, then there's me and Johnny and my youngest brother is Alex." I looked up from my sketch to see if he was actually listening. I didn't expect him to be, not many people did, but when I looked up my eyes were met by his. He was listening intently while stroking Brad, who was rolled over on his lap and purring. "That's weird" I thought. The only times people really asked about me , they were just being polite, so this was a big change. "Uh..." I continued, starting to sketch again. "So my name is Dylan because I was supposed to be a boy. My mom wanted another set of twin boys and you can imagine how excited she was to see that I didn’t have a penis." I said, rolling my eyes.

"So anyway, my brother Johnny has a severe intellectual disability because of a lack of oxygen at birth. As a result, he and I are really close. As kids we were practically inseparable, and to this day we skype once a week. Some say I got lucky, but honestly, I’d give anything for me to be the one in his shoes. He deserves SO much more. There’s no one kinder, funnier or more genuine than Johnny, but my mother certainly didn’t see it that way. To her, image is everything. She rarely wanted to be seen with Johnny in public, and I was really vocal about how unfair that was, much to her dismay.” 

“So my dad was in the Navy, and when he got stationed down here in the states, she fucked off when she got the chance." Billie looked at me with a look of both sympathy and anger. "Don't worry, it was for the best. She obviously wasn't the kindest to us.” I explained. “She hit Johnny a lot behind dad's back. Every time, he acted up, it earned him a new bruise. She wanted a 'normal family' or whatever and I guess we just weren’t good enough. Eventually, it was too much for me to keep secret, and I told my dad. He got full custody of us, and hired a live in caregiver for John.” 

“Wow” Billie said quietly, looking down. “No, seriously! It was the best thing that could have happened. Dad ended up re-marrying actually! Turns out, Johnny's live in nurse is a really awesome lady. Her name's Nancy and she makes my dad happier than he’s been in years. She’s like a mom to me.” I said, smiling. “So anyway, I was going into grade 9 when we moved down here, Nancy was pregnant with Alex…and then everything got real fucky" I said, smile quickly slipping away. I was silent for a while. Debating whether or not to tell him. I hoped I could just leave it there, but nobody likes a cliff-hanger , right?

"What happened?" He asked, sounding genuinely concerned. "Well, it was near the end of the school year and I was sitting in the cafeteria with Daniel who was in grade 12, uh senior year I guess to you guys right? I was with him, Johnny and my best friend Kyle who I'd been friends with since we moved. He was my only friend really.” I smirked. “Nobody wanted to be friends with the new kid I guess.” I said, shaking my head. “Anyway, I was breaking the first pair of pointe shoes I'd ever gotten, so I was really excited. We were all joking and having a good time, and then Andy ran into the cafeteria.” My heart rate climbed , and my throat began to close as if to stop the memory from coming out. “He told us he saw a kid with a gun who was after one of our teachers or something." Even though I wasn't looking up, I could feel Billie's eyes widen. "Funny thing is, we all thought he was kidding. He was known for playing pranks and shit so we scoffed and Daniel scolded him for scaring Johnny…but then it got way too real.” I explained, deadpanned. 

“A teacher came running in and told us to get under the tables or in closets, anywhere we weren't gonna be seen. We looked around for a closet, but they were all filled with the lucky ones, so we scrambled under the table and hoped for the best." I took a deep breath and sighed before continuing, trying not to let my voice shake. "We heard the kid come in the room and walk slowly around the tables. It was like time stood still, Billie Joe. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop! The only sound was the sound of the shooters foot steps. I guess I hoped he would just sort of, leave? Just like, give up? He wasn't even looking for students so surely we were gonna be ok I thought…but then I heard him fire a round right into a group huddled under a table near us.”

“Johnny, not knowing any better shrieked and asked us what was happening. That sort of, sealed our fate I guess." I took another deep breath, this time leaning my head back, and closing my eyes. It was really hard for me to talk about any of this. Usually I didn't! But Billie wasn't talking over me or saying shit like "OH MY GOD THEN WHAT" like most people do. In fairness, I think they do it because this kind of thing makes them uncomfortable. But not Billie. He sat, and he listened. That’s what I’d always loved about him. During this time all those years ago, his music got me through. Even though I didn’t know him back then, he was always there for me. 

"So the gunman walked over to our table, and peeked under. 'What did you say, retard?!’ he asked. I saw Daniel’s fist clench in anger. We all got really protective over Johnny and my brothers weren't afraid to take out anyone who called him names. But this time, we were all silently holding our breaths…and then my world changed. He shot Kyle, killing him instantly. The blood got all over me and my new dance shoes. I still have them somewhere I think, as morbid as that sounds. So then he aimed for Johnny but I jumped in and pushed him behind me. The bullet that was meant for Johnny, hit me in the ankle. Thankfully, if you can call it thankful, that was it for our table and he moved on. He shot off a couple more rounds in the back of the room, not sure if it hit anyone or not though, and moved on to finding his original target." Billie's jaw was dropped. I’m not sure what he was expecting, but I’m sure as hell it wasn’t THIS.

"So Daniel helped us all up, and tried to get us to run to the door that lead outside. But a) my ankle was completely fucked, so running was out of the question, and b) I was NOT about to leave Kyle. I was shaking him in total hysterics trying to get him to wake up because I absolutely refused to believe he was dead. So Daniel threw me over his shoulder kicking and screaming, Andy grabbed Johnny's hand and we bolted for the door. When we were a safe enough distance from the school, Nancy, my dad and some paramedics ran over to me and started trying to stop the bleeding. But I was belligerent! Kyle was dead and they were worried about ME? That didn't fly. Not to mention Christopher was still somewhere in the school." Billie leaned back in his chair and ran his fingers through his hair. "Holy shit, Dylan." he said quietly. I smirked a little and continued. "Long story short, Christopher was alright. He, like the rest of us, still can't be around fireworks or cars backfiring to this day though. PTSD is pretty wild. So I went to the hospital where they removed the bullet and stitched me up. They told me that it was going to be a really long, trying recovery process. They also told me that I would walk again with the help of physiotherapy, which was a relief, but they went on to say that I'd probably never dance again. I was shattered. In a matter of 30 seconds in that stupid cafeteria I lost my best friend and my one true love: dancing. But I'll be damned if I was going to let that stop me! During my time recovering, my dad taught me how to work on and restore cars. Both to keep my mind busy, and because it was something I could do that didn't involve my ankle. I also got better at my instruments. Oh, and spoiler alert- I danced again!" I said laughing. “Even the shittiest stories sometimes have happy endings.”

Billie Leaned forward and looked me dead in the eyes. "You don't give up do you?" He said smiling. He looked down at my ankle, and pointed to my tattoo of some peonies and a revolver. "So I guess that's what that tattoo's about, huh?" He asked. "Oh! Yeah, that. Once I was old enough, and it had fully healed, I got that tattoo to cover the scar….among others." I explained. I thought for a minute, making sure I wasn’t missing any details before closing out this fuck show of a story. "So, that's it basically." I said, sitting back and taking a look at my sketch. Billie sat petting Brad for a while. Neither of us talking, but I just assumed he was taking everything in. Sort of a big thing to drop on someone right? That was the reason I never talked about it, really. I never wanted to be anyone’s pity party and besides, the less people knew about me the better, I figured.  
"You're incredible." I heard him finally say. "Hm?" I said looking up from my sketch. "No, I mean it. You're incredible y'know. Not many people can say they survived that and manage to be the way you are." He said, eyes wide. Honestly, I was flattered. He had absolutely no idea how much that meant to me, and probably never would. Those words coming from someone I admired so much was enough to let me know for the first time that I’d done the right thing, and I owed it all…to him. I sat up straight and faced him, smiling. "Well, I had music to help me." I winked.

"So what are you drawing anyway?" He asked, furrowing his brow a bit. "Oh, You." I said turning my paper around to show him the sketch of him I'd done. "Dylan! That's amazing! I had no idea you could draw! I thought you were fucking doodling this whole time!" He laughed. "I guess I left out another detail, eh? I learned how to draw when I was out of commission." I explained, admiring my own work. "Can I see it closer?" He asked. With that, I moved to sit beside him and Brad. He took the sketch from me and studied it. "This is amazing. You know that right? Like you're so incredibly talented? How are you real?!" He chuckled. "Well I had a lot of time on my hands when I was growing up between having no friends, and getting shot in the ankle." Billie looked at me with wide eyes as I laughed. "Dude, It's ok to laugh! If we don't learn to laugh at shit like that, were gonna have a pretty miserable life". I said, crossing my arms. He laughed and shook his head. "Come here." He said gesturing for me to come closer. I warily did as I was told, and he put his arm around me, pulling me right up beside him. Brad jumped on my lap, expecting me to pat him of course, and there we sat. Listening to the storm. Billie stroked my arm as the candles burned dim and my eyes grew heavy. I leaned in closer and rested my head on his chest. Soon enough, the rhythm of his steady heartbeat had lulled me to sleep.


	8. “I have a proposal.”

October 11th, 7:32 AM.

 

I woke up to a cold breeze coming in the open window, and Brad breathing in my face. Shivering, I pulled the blanket that was draped over my knees up over my head. In my groggy, eyes half shut state, it took me a minute before I realized I wasn't in my bed. In fact I was on the couch, my head was on someone's lap, and his arm was around my stomach. Now, since I lived alone, I naturally freaked the fuck out. I jolted up and shrieked a little, wrapping myself in the blanket as some sort of cotton-polyester armour. Billie Joe was obviously woken up by my antics and jumped off the couch, looking around frantically for whatever made me scream. "What's wrong?!" He asked, eyes wide. "Oh! It's you!" I said a bit relieved. "Wait...it's you!?" I continued, having just realized what was going on. "We didn't....you Know…did we?” I asked, looking at him from the top of my eyes. "Hm? Oh! No, no we just fell asleep! Nothing Weird! " he said shaking his head furiously. "Oh thank god" I sighed. He laughed at me and sat back down on the couch, rubbing his eyes. "So did you sleep well?" He winked. "I've got a kink in my neck, actually.” I started. “My pillow must have been uncomfortable" I finished, winking back. 

I went to the kitchen to make some breakfast, and Billie came and sat at the kitchen table to talk to me. "So what are you doing today?" He asked. "Well I have to do some work with Grease. Opening night is in like, a few months or so? 'Sandy' is probably still going to refuse to do my choreography, so lord knows how it's gonna go." Billie raised his eyebrows in confusion. I guess I hadn't told him the issue with Christine yet. I handed him a cup of coffee, and sat down myself. "Right, Christine." I started. "For some reason or another she hates me." I laughed. I went on to tell him the entire story, down to the last irritating detail. "Are you actually serious?" He asked, when I had finally finished. "Yeah! I'm pretty sure she's jealous of how much Greg, our Danny, pays attention to me." I could feel Billie tense up a little which I found odd. I noticed him act differently whenever I mentioned other men, but I figured it was just him being overly protective. And now that I’d opened up to him even more, it was bound to happen tenfold. 

Pushing that to the back of my mind, I continued. "Wanna know the funny part?" I smirked. "He's super gay." Billie, clearly not expecting that, nearly spat his coffee all over me. "Yup! Super gay. She's the only one who doesn't know actually, which is hilarious. He even brings his boyfriend to set sometimes, but she still tries to flirt with him." I laughed. "Wow. I'd pay to see that!" Billie said. "Well today could be your lucky day! Wanna come?" I asked, almost too excitedly. "I could use a bit of a distraction. Everyone keeps talking about how Grease is ‘exactly like high school’ and reminiscing fondly like it was the best time of their lives.” I said rolling my eyes. “But I was a bit busy with a bullet in my ankle back then, so my experience was a little more bullshit than theirs. Not to mention how much I fuckin’ hated school before the incident anyway! I've been avoiding talking about it, but it's getting hard." I explained with a heavy sigh. Billie however, was smiling like I'd just given him the best gift he could have gotten. "Fuck yeah!” he said enthusiastically. “I'd love to come be your buffer zone." He chuckled. To say I was relieved would have been an understatement. I knew everyone meant well by reminiscing, but it still made me salty, and having him there would at least give me a reason to smile.  
"Well I'm gonna go, y’know...change." Billie said looking down and laughing at my brother's wickedly oversized clothes. "I'll be back in a bit." he said getting up, getting on his shoes, saying goodbye to Brad and leaving. As soon as I heard his footsteps disappear, I took that moment alone to have a little meltdown, the events from the night before playing in my head on repeat. 

I had a quick shower and called Rachel while I put on my makeup. "Rachel I'm freaking out." I said frantically. I filled her in on what was going on; how I maaay have completely opened up to Billie Joe, how he spent the night with me and how I was falling in absolute disgusting, stupid love with him and there wasn't anything I could do about it. "Wait, wait, slow the fuck down.” She said, interrupting my breathless babbling. “You fell asleep on Billie Joe Armstrong's lap last night while he pet your cat and wore your brothers old baseball shirt?" She asked. "I'm afraid so." I said with a hefty sigh. "Dylan! This is weird even for you!" She yelled over the phone beneath an ear shattering cackle. "Hey! You told me to let love in!" I replied defensively. "Yeah, Dylan. Let love in. Not fall head over heels for someone who is ridiculously famous, leaving when this stupid Broadway thing’s all over, way older than you, and who is also basically your boss! Oh and not to mention the guy you've been obsessed witn since you were 14, when you had his picture plastered all over your bedroom." She howled. "Go big or go home?" I asked nervously. "This is the problem, Rach. You’re right! He's way out of my league, and this is all completely hopeless. I hate love, Rachel. It's confusing and I don't have time for it!" I whined. Rachel was laughing so hard she almost couldn’t find her words. "Well you better figure out just what the fuck you're doing soon! Sounds like he's into you, and you only have a finite amount of time before you never see him again. Now, I gotta run. Good luck, you beautiful moron." She said, hanging up the phone before I had the chance to argue. "Good! Helpful! Great fuckin pep talk!" I spat, putting my pants and jacket on. "WHY IS FEELING THINGS SO COMPLICATED?" I moaned to Brad. "Don't wait up. Lord knows how long I’ll be." I told him, locking the door behind me. 

Billie Joe was waiting outside with a tea for me. I took a deep breath in and sighed. "The shit winds are blowing, Bill." I said pulling my sunglasses off my head and down over my eyes. "I can feel it." He shook his head and gently rubbed my back. “I’m sure it won’t be THAT bad! You’re a fucking powerhouse. I can’t imagine it could go wrong.” He reassured me. “Thanks for the ego stroke, Big Shoots but it’s going to be a fuckshow. Just wait.”

I decided to leave the car at home and walk to the theatre that day. I wanted to waste as much time as I could, completely avoiding my responsibilities. I wasn’t lying when I told Billie it would be a shit show. For some reason, I knew that day would be a rough day with Christine. She hadn't showed up to the last rehearsal, and the cast told me they saw some of her passive aggressive Facebook posts about me. But aside from that, I was excited to have Billie with me. It was comforting! Normally in anxious situations like that, I’d be nervously smoking menthol cigarettes, trying not to throw up, but not that day. He sort of gave me the confidence I needed to maybe get through the day without any of my vices. 

We walked slowly, nearly sauntering, but even walking as slow as we could, the theatre came into view all too quickly. I took a deep breath, threw my head back, groaned loudly and walked in the stage door. The cast was all gathered on the stage in a group, looking at some books or something. We walked up to them, completely unnoticed. "Uh, so this is the cast…who's supposed to be stretching!" I said loudly hoping they'd notice, but to no avail. "So which ones the gross one?" Billie whispered in my ear. I choked on the tea I was sipping, laughing under my breath. "See the blonde in the yoga pants? With her hands on her hips? Turquoise shirt?" I whispered back. "That's her." Billie raised his eyebrows, shoving his hands deeply in his pockets. “Yikes. She seems like a treat.” He murmured. We walked closer to them, still going completely unnoticed. "HEY!" I yelled. It made both the cast and Billie jump, as I rarely raised my voice. "Oh hey Dylan! You scared me!" Greg said. "We're all looking at our old yearbooks we brought in remember? We thought it to would be fun since this whole thing will be over soon." Sara, the girl playing Rizzo chimed in. My heart stopped and the colour drained from my face. Not only was this whole idea exceptionally cringe worthy, but I was in no mood to talk about my past. I’d had quite enough of that the night before.

Billie looked at me, concerned, waiting for my answer. "Did you bring yours?" Everyone asked excitedly. "Nah.” I said, simply. “Alright! Put that shit away and let's get going here!" I said enthusiastically clapping my hands, trying to change the subject. "This is my friend Billie Joe. He's going to be watching you dumb dumbs today. We're working together on a project and he wanted to see my work in action." I lied. But of course my words fell on completely deaf ears. Everyone was standing, gawking at Billie when they finally tore their attention away from their self indulgent bullshit, and realized who he was. Everyone that is, except Christine.  
"Don't try and change the subject, Dylan." She said with what could only be described as a sneer. "Where's your yearbook?" She spat, crossing her arms. "Didn't bring it because you were afraid we'd see how ugly you were? I bet she still wore that hideous choker back then." She laughed, looking at the rest of the cast for someone to back her up, but nobody was biting. "What the fuck, Christine?" Greg said breaking the uncomfortable silence. "But…why didn't you bring it?" He continued nervously. "Just curious! I don't wanna offend you or anything!" He said backing away from me. "Fine! Fine, y'all wanna know?" I snapped. "My experience was a bit different than yours. I was a bit busy being shot during my freshman year. Right in the fucking ankle. Some asshole came in my school, shot me, and killed my best friend. I had to go through the rest of my high school career without my only friend, terrified, and suffering major PTSD. And on top of that I was told I wouldn't dance again. There! Happy? I finally told you." I snapped. I had finally snapped. She had worn me down to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and in that moment, I felt more vulnerable than I had in a long time.

The room was silent for a while before Christine, appearing to be bursting at the seams to talk, said something. "Explains your choreography." she muttered. "Excuse me? What did you say?" I said bitterly. "Well I'm just saying! Your choreography is…realistically not good. But it's good for someone who was shot." I felt my jaw drop and tears begin to form in my eyes. Was that supposed to be a compliment? I wasn't sure, but I stood there in silence, hoping she'd say something else to explain herself. I was honestly hoping it was a sick joke or something, but she said nothing. So I turned around and walked quickly out of the theatre. "Couldn't dance then and can't dance now!" I heard her say beneath her almost evil laughter. Before I got to the door, I looked back to see her smirking, and looking around at the now disgusted cast for reassurance. I guess I hoped one of them would stick up for me, but nobody said anything, so I opened the doors and ran out. As the door slammed shut, I heard Billie say "Wow. Hope you're fuckin’ proud of yourself." Before he ran after me. 

I sat just outside the stage door, smoking a cigarette, and trying to stop myself from crying. I tried not to show weakness in front of people, so I needed to stop the tears, and quick. But before I could choke them back completely, Billie caught up to me and sat down. "There you are!" he said, softly placing his hand on my shoulder. "And now you see what I'm talking about." I said, chuckling. Not in amusement, but in defeat. "I think I'm done." I told him. I wasn’t exaggerating either! I was ready to throw in the towel completely, and walk away from this mess. "That's not the Dylan I know." Billie said angrily. I'd never heard that tone in his voice before, and I’ll admit, I was slightly intimidated. He scooted closer to me, took my hand, and put his fingers lightly on my chin, turning my head to face him. He grabbed the cigarette out of my mouth, took a drag of it, and flicked it on the ground. He cringed and stomped it out. "Mentols? Ew." he said, spitting on the ground next to him. "Listen to me.” He said, looking me dead in the eyes. “The Dylan I know wouldn't give up!" he was holding my hand tightly by then, sending shivers up my spine. "The Dylan I know would march back in there and do her fucking job y’know!? She wouldn't let that bullshit stop her! Actually, she'd go back in there, do it twice as good just to prove that bitch wrong!" He said, smiling. A mischievous twinkle appeared in his eyes, and his smile turned into a smirk. "Come on Dylan! You KNOW you want to go back. You know you want to put her in her fuckin place!" he insisted. And you know what? He got me! He got me to smile. He reached over, wiped a tear from my cheek, and pulled me into a tight hug. "Let's fuckin go." I said, hugging him back. We sat like that for, frankly, a long time because I did NOT want to let him go. As he pulled away, he looked me in the eyes one more time, smiling. He kissed my forehead and stood up, offering me his hand to help me up. Giggling, I took it and hopped up. "There she is!" He said chuckling as he took my hand, and walked with me back inside.  
We walked hand in hand right up to the stage, me leading. On the outside, I looked confident, but in reality, I was so fucking nervous. However, I'm sure the only one who noticed was Billie. I was holding his hand tightly , to the point of white knuckles. I stopped just shy of the stage, the entire cast looking down at me, I guess anticipating my next move. "Alright!" I shouted, clapping my hands. "Pitter patter, let’s get at ‘er! Time to work!" I said hoisting myself onstage. 

"Dylan we're so sorr-" Greg started. "Greg, stop. It isn't your fault. Let's move on, alright?" I said stretching. "Where'd Christine go? This is her scene." I asked. "Well, David just came to grab her and speak with her." Sara said. David was the director of this whole fuck show. I found it odd that he wanted to talk to Christine, he didn’t care for her and made it very apparent. "Oh...Alright. Well we can work on something else?" I said, still trying to keep the ball rolling. "Dylan?" I heard a voice say from behind the legs on stage left. It was David. "Can I speak to you?" He asked. I looked around at everyone else, and they were all smiling. It was fuckin weird if I'll be honest, like they knew some thing I didn’t. 

David took me to his office and asked me to sit down. "Look, I'll cut to the chase, Dylan. We've let go of Christine. We can't have that kind of immaturity here. Were all supposed to be a team, and there's absolutely no way I'm going to stand by while she abuses you." I stared at him blankly in both shock, and confusion. I didn't care how much she hated me, now we don't have a sandy. Great I thought. "Now before you freak out, I have a proposal." he said, folding his hands. "I talked it over with our producers and the rest of the cast, and we want you. We want you to be our sandy." I was silent for a second, then I erupted with laughter. "Dave, Come on! You can’t be serious. I can't even sing!" I said, throwing my arms in the air. "That’s bullshit Dylan.” He said, leaning back in his chair. “I've heard you singing when you were backstage and you thought nobody could hear. I know your musical history, silly. Plus you already know the choreography, so don't give me that shit." he said. I furrowed my brow, completely dumbfounded. I had never really been one for being the centre of attention, so this was totally new. It was scary! But everything else in my life was weird and terrifying lately, so why not one more thing?

"Uh…Okay? If there's absolutely nobody else, I guess I can fill in. Maybe just for the first few months." I said quietly. "Wonderful! We'll have wardrobe in ASAP for fittings." David said excitedly. “Thank you so much, Dylan. You’re making me and the cast proud! We know you’ll be incredible.” He said, beaming. I thanked him, and walked out of his office slowly. I was absolutely stunned. 

I made my way back to the stage and everyone turned to look. At that point I knew they were all in on it, and I guess they had also filled Billie in, who was standing there wide eyed. They were all smiling, some of them covering their mouths in excitement. "So?" Greg said as I walked closer. "well..." I started "Thanks to you jerks, I'm sandy I guess." I said hesitantly. Everyone cheered and ran up to hug me. I knew I was supposed to be excited, but this was all too much. “Don’t get too excited! I’m doing this as a favour until we find someone else.” I laughed. “Oh you say that now!” Greg said. “You’ll stay. I’m willing to put money on it!” 

We finished rehearsals early that day, which suited me just fine to be honest. I was too overwhelmed by my new position in the limelight to concentrate. That, and I had been trying to process what happened between Billie and I earlier that day when he kissed my forehead. Look, I get it. It wasn't anything scandalous, but it was the first time that maybe, MAYBE, I could let myself be...ok With feeling the way I did? I don't know, it sort of made me feel like maybe, I'm not saying for sure! But maybe, he felt the same way? With a clearer head, I doubted that though (and highly). It was delusional to think that HE could also have a big ugly crush on me, but how sweet he was certainly made me feel good in the moment. The fangirl in me could still dream, right?  
In a weird way, it made me sad to think that I'd never get to be WITH him though. Usually when I had a crush, it was fleeting. More of a lust thing, really. But this was very different. Maybe because it felt like I had known him for years already, or maybe it was because it felt to me like he'd always been there for me. During the roughest days, his voice always calmed me down, even before he knew I existed. This whole thing made, truthfully, uneasy. Was it love? Absolutely it was. But there was no way I was about to admit that to myself or anyone else. Love only hurt me in the past, physically and emotionally, so there was no WAY I was getting involved with that. Or at least that’s what I’d tell myself. 

Even though we got out earlier than normal, the sun had already set. Billie insisted he walk me home since it was past dark. I tried to protest, but he wouldn't have it. Now, it was only early October, but it was getting cold quickly, so my fall jacket wasn't enough that night. Looking up, I could start to see my breath in the glow of the street light. I shoved my hands in my pockets and held my arms close to my body in a vein attempt to keep warm. "Jeez, winters’ coming faster than I thought." I joked, awkwardly. "Here!" Billie said taking off his jacket and handing it to me. I stopped in my tracks and looked at him like he was insane. "Ok, I understand what you're doing here, but you'll die of exposure because it's -847°" I said in protest. He laughed and shook his head "Put it on, idiot. I have a sweater on already anyway. It's really not that cold." I squinted my eyes and took my hands out of my pockets. He put his jacket on me, even zipping it up. It was instantly warm and smelled like him in the best way. It felt like his arms were wrapped around me, and honestly? it was intoxicating. I hated that! I was trying my best to repress any gross feelings, but it was getting harder and harder the more time I spent with him. Besides all that, I really hoped he knew he wasn’t getting that jacket back.

We got to my front door way quicker than I wanted to. I honestly could have spent the entire night walking with him. He made me feel so amazing and without him there that day, I would have broken down and quit Grease. I didn't want him to go at all. What’s dumb is, I was going to see him the next day. Not sure why I was being so lame about it, but you know when you think someone is really cool and you just want to spend all the time you possibly can with them? That. That's what was happening. "Okay. Meet at 10:00 tomorrow, right here?" I asked, trying to sound casual. We were going to carpool to work the next morning like we always did, but asking him this time, I had butterflies in my stomach. "You know it." He said with a cute, crooked smile. We stood there in silence. He was looking into my eyes, blushing slightly and I was staring back blankly like a dumbass. Palms sweating uncontrollably, and getting lost in those beautiful green pools. Unlike me, he didn’t seem nervous. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing. 

"What?" I said breaking the silence. "Nothing.” He said happily. “Just really, y’know, proud of you is all." He said taking my hands in his. Nearly having a coronary, I looked at our hands intertwined, and back up to his eyes. "For what?" I laughed. "Dylan, shut up." He chuckled. "You should know already. You...” he stuttered, trying to find the best words. “You're just so awesome. You honestly kicked everyone's ass in there today and it was so badass. I've told you a million fuckin times before, but you deserve to hear it again. You're incredible. There isn’t a word cool enough to describe you." He said laughing slightly, and squeezing my hands tighter. “Great”. I thought. Now I had no idea what to say. "Well…just doing my job, really. And that pep talk you gave me really helped." He smiled and pulled me in close, wrapping his arms around me, in what had to be the tightest hug I'd ever had. I rested my head on his shoulder and we stood there for a few minutes.  
As cliche as it sounds, and definitely is, I never wanted that to end. I could have stood there for hours in his arms, but that wasn't realistic. My legs would get sore and I could see Brad in the window of my bedroom, waiting. Billie pulled away slowly and kissed my forehead again. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do here, but whatever his game was it killed me. I was putty in his hands. "Have a good night." He said softly. He let go of my hand and waited while I unlocked the door, and made it up to my place safely. When I got in, I looked out the window where Brad was sat, and saw him just start to walk away. I opened the window and yelled "Billie!" He whipped around, smiling when he saw me. "Thank you for everything." I called down. He blew me a kiss, smiled and waved before turning to walk away. I stood there, completely wrapping myself in his jacket, and watched him walk down the street and out of sight. I breathed a heavy sigh, turned around and slid down the wall, landing on the floor with a thud. Brad hopped off the windowsill and into lap, purring and rubbing his face on mine. “Wait’ll I tell you what happened today, Scradley.” I said, picking him up. “What have I gotten myself into?”


	9. “I have to go.”

November 30th, 12:16 PM

 

It had been about a month and a half since I was given the part as Sandy. To say I was nervous would have been an understatement. Opening day was in January, and that was coming fast. With American idiot opening shortly after, my hands were completely full. 

It was my one day off that week and I was spending it at the garage dicking around, and putting some final touches on the Bel Air before I put her away for the winter. The next time I saw it, I’d be driving it to St. John’s so I needed to make sure it was absolutely perfect. I’ll admit that stressed me out a bit. But I was joined by Rachel, Tré and Mike that day so morale was high. It was refreshing to spend time with my friends outside of work, even though it was like babysitting three adult sized children.

"No. I haven't gotten my script yet, now that you mention it.” I said to Rachel, poking my head out from under the hood. “Hey Dylan! What’s this For?” Tré asked, taking a break from spinning in my chair to pick up an air compressor, shooting air right into Rachel’s face. “Jesus, Tré! What the fuck!?” she screeched. “Stop flirting, put that down and sit quietly.” I ordered, garnering a hearty chuckle from Mike. “So you haven’t even gotten a Script?” Mike asked, bringing the conversation back in. “Afraid not.” I said, ducking back down inside the hood. “I've just finished perfecting the choreography and barely even had time for fittings. Which, by the way nearly killed me.” I said, rolling my eyes. “They want me to take my choker off. I managed to persuade them to let me wear a neck scarf under some stupid lie about how it keeps my voice warmed up.” I explained. “Hey, why do you wear tha-“ Tré started, only to be elbowed in the ribs by Rachel. “Shh! Don’t ask.” She whispered. I chose to pretend I didn’t hear that, and save the explanation for another day. “On top of that!” I continued “I've been running choreo with the cast of American Idiot a few times a week and, fuck, I don’t even know who I am anymore! " I laughed half heartedly. “Jesus, Dylan” Mike said, throwing an arm across my shoulders. “You need a vacation.” I laughed and shook my head. “I’ll rest when I’m dead, Michael.”

"American idiot. Speaking of that!" Rachel said mischievously, hopping down from the counter she was sitting on. “What about It?” I choked out nervously. “How’s your little…situation going?” She asked, winking. Now, I had been trying my best to not lead anyone on to my feelings for Billie Joe, but I'm sure I was terrible at it. We were constantly together, in fact the cast of Grease joked that we were married we were so tied at the hip. But to be fair, sometimes that was the only chance we got to work together so I brought him along to rehearsals. In between scenes we'd talk American Idiot. Multi tasking was the only way I'd ever have any time off, so I convinced myself it was necessary. In Reality? I was being entirely selfish and just wanted to see him. Either way, I was sure everyone and their uncle could see just how pathetically in love with him I was, and how it surely wasn't reciprocated.

"Aw someone’s suddenly Shy!" Rachel sang after noticing I hadn’t said anything for a minute. Instead, I was looking down, avoiding eye contact and blushing furiously. “Situation? We have a situation?” Tré asked. “Yeah, what’s going on?” Mike added, sounding genuinely concerned. “Oh you don’t Know? Dylan they don’t know!?” Rachel yelled, laughing hysterically. “Rachel! Give it a rest!” I snapped, chuckling uncomfortably. “Wait! What don’t we know?” Tré said, wide eyed. “Dylan has a little secret crush!” Rachel teased. “I knew It! I knew you loved me.” Tré said, nearly tackling me from behind with a hug. “Oh don’t flatter yourself.” I said throwing him off me. “Then who is It?” He asked excitedly. “Nobody, alright? Let’s change the subject.” I said quickly. “Oh Dylan, just admit that you love Billie Joe and we can all move on.” She said maniacally, strutting over to the water cooler. “Wow. Thanks dude! Real smooth.” I said, disappearing beneath the car. “At least she isn’t denying it! That’s a big step!” Rachel laughed. “Wait, is that True?” Mike asked. “I'm not going to confirm anything” I said, tinkering with the underside, pretending to look busy. “But I can say for certain that he doesn't feel the same way. He's way older than me, he's way cooler than me, we work together so don't shit where you eat, and also since opening night for this whole thing is so fucking soon, he'll be gone and surely out of my life as fast as he came into it." I said, defeated. I heard Mike and Tré giggling under their breath. I slid out from under the car to find them looking at each other and smiling. “…what? Something funny?” I asked, looking back and forth to both of them. “Nothing! Absolutely nothing.” Tré laughed, throwing his hands up and walking away. I put my hands on my hips and faced Mike, hoping for an answer. “Don’t be so sure, Dylan. Life can surprise you sometimes.” He said with a kind smile.

“Speak of the devil!” Rachel said as Billie walked in. “You guys talking about me? About how sexy I am, right?” He replied, with a smug grin on his face. “Something like that.” I mumbled under my breath, shutting the hood of the car for the final time. "Wow! Dylan it looks amazing!" Billie said walking around the Bel Air. "You think so? I really hope he'll like it. I've put a ton of work into her.” I said wiping the sweat from my forehead with my rag, effectively covering it in black grease. “Shit, wasn't easy ether! She was in rough shape." I said running my hand over the freshly waxed exterior. "He'd be crazy not to!" Mike joked. "So! I have a surprise for you!" Billie said, changing the topic. I noticed he was hiding something behind his back, bouncing slightly with excitement. "Ok? What is it?" I asked, skeptically. "Well, on my way down here I noticed something big sticking out of your mail box…" He revealed a thick envelope from behind his back and handed it to me. "Look what’s finally here!" He exclaimed. It was my script. 

He had seen how anxious not having it was making me, and I'm sure he was just as relieved to see it as I was. I’m figured he listened to as much of my whining as he could possibly handle, although he let me rant about it like he didn’t mind. Either way, this was the best news I could have gotten. "Are you kidding me?!" I shrieked. "THANK GOD!” I dropped the script on the tool bench and jumped on Billie, wrapping my legs around him like a koala. “Aaaaw! Now kiss!” Tré yelled, throwing his arms around Billie and I. “Are you done?” I asked monotone, jumping down and folding my arms. “I’m sorry Dylan.” Mike said. “I’ll make sure he won’t do it again, promise!” He finished, stifling laughter while Tré made kissing faces behind him. “Thin ice, boys. Thin fucking ice.” I said narrowing my eyes. “Alright! Clear out, jerks. Billie and I are going for lunch.” I said walking towards the door. “Oooooh! Dylan and Billie sittin’ in a tree kissi- ” Tré cooed, but was violently interrupted by a smack upside the head from Rachel. “Ow! What was that For?” He whined. “For being a little shit.” She said sternly. “Now come on, let’s give them some privacy. We’re obviously interrupting something.” She said winking, and walking out the door followed by Mike and Tré who, by then, we’re in hysterics. 

Billie and I made our way in the bitter cold, to our usual spot in the café we always ended up at. At the table, I flipped through the script. I was noticing that I was remembering more than I thought I would just from sitting in at rehearsals, which was encouraging I thought. "God, I can't believe it. I'm so nervous!" I said, biting my fingernails. "What the hell do you have to be nervous about?! You'll kill it! You know that.” He reassured me. “Or y’know, you'll forget all the really incredible dances the amazing and beautiful choreographer came up, with but still be 'pretty good for someone who's been shot.' Really, it could go either way y'know." He joked, poking fun at Christine (and stroking my ego). "Thanks for the pep talk, Big Shoots, but you're not helping." I laughed. "Whatever happened to Christine anyway?" He asked, taking a sip of coffee. "Your guess is as good as mine" I said leaning back in my chair. "I just hope she doesn't show up any time soon. Or worse, opening night." I rolled my eyes and drank my coffee, briefly mulling over that potential scenario. It made me physically shudder, so I decided to not worry about it.

"I can't wait to run lines!" I said, brightening the conversation a little. "I can help you with that if you want." Billie offered. I was surprised he would want to after hearing me do nothing but bitch and moan about the whole thing since we met. "Uh ok? You really don’t have to, you know." I said chuckling. "No, I want to! Brad can be Frenchie. Come on, it'll be hilarious. Let's go!" He said standing up and extending his hand, which I happily grabbed. I couldn’t help but laugh at how cute he was. "Oh Mr. Armstrong. What a gentleman!" I said smirking. I took his hand and hoisted myself up, but what was weird was, he didn't let go. Instead, he smiled proudly and lead the way out of the coffee shop. He opened the door for me and gently put his hand on the small of my back as we walked out. Even weirder? As soon as we were outside, he took my hand again as if it was nothing. As if this is just something we did. I was trying to play it cool, but inside I was freaking out. If only teenage me could see me then. 

We walked the entire way back to my place, hand in hand. Talking and laughing the whole way. It was so comfortable and natural, but of course in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't let myself get too attached. He had to go soon and it was going to be hard enough to say goodbye regardless of this looming crush. I'll admit, that put a bit of a damper on the moment. “You Ok?” He asked, noticing I was quiet. “Hm? Oh. Yeah!” I said smiling up at him. “Good.” He said, bringing my hand up and kissing it, causing my heart to melt straight down to my knees. 

When we got to my apartment and unlocked my door, and Brad ran up to greet us. Now, I say us, but he ran right past me and straight to Billie. He’d taken quite the liking to him and barely paid me any mind if he was around. "Jesus, Bradley. I only feed you, you know! If it weren't for me you'd be dead." I said to him, folding my arms. "You've been replaced. I would say I'm sorry but look at him! He’s adorable!" Billie said, lifting Brad up and holding him like a fat, hairy newborn. "You're both awful" I said kicking off my boots. I went to the living room and made myself comfortable on the couch, Billie and Brad joining me. 

The entire evening was spent dicking around with the script. Me reading my own lines and Billie taking on, well, every other character. From Rizzo to Marty, he truly delivered an Oscar worthy performance, and his rendition of look at me I'm Sandra Dee was particularly enchanting. He had me in absolute tears I was laughing so hard. When I was finally able to catch my breath, we took a short break to stretch our legs.  
I walked over to the window, stretching my arms and yawning. Turns out, we had been so distracted that neither of us noticed the sun had long disappeared. I opened the window and leaned out slightly to get some fresh air but instead, I was greeted with a breeze so cold it bit my face, and a beautiful white blanket covering the empty street. The first real snowfall of the year had begun. 

“Holy fuck, check it out! I said, calling Billie over. “At least 5 centimetres on the ground already and falling.” I said excitedly. I loved winter. A lot of folks get mad when you say that, but there’s just something so magical about the tranquility in snow and how quiet it made everything. That, and it reminded me of home. "Holy shit!" He said coming up behind me a and sticking his head out the window too. "Yeah! I won't lie, I'm excited!" I said, sticking out my tongue to catch snowflakes. "Almost shinny season!" I smiled. Billie shook his head. “You are so fucking Canadian.” He laughed. “Hey! We’re cute and charming people I’ll have you know!” I defended, feigning sassiness. “I never said it was a bad thing!” he laughed “You’re the cutest person I know, that’s for sure.” He said under his breath. “What did you say?” I asked. I thought I heard him right, but I was so far in denial I didn’t know if I was hearing only what I wanted to. “Nothing, let’s get back to work!” he said, quickly derailing the conversation. 

“Uh…Okay.” I said quietly, following him back to the couch. Suddenly a strange tension spread across the room, like the feeling when you’re dreading something. But what was there to dread? I could have just taken the compliment, said thanks and moved on, but no! My anxiety just had to make a mountain out of a mole hill. “Okay, ready? Billie asked, smiling gently, turning the pages of the script. I snapped out of my worried trance and back to reality. “Yeah!” I said, excitedly taking the papers and clearing my throat, ready to pick up where we left off. 

As I delivered Sandy’s monologue from the pep rally, Billie watched with Brad on his lap and a sparkle in his eye. He couldn’t keep his eyes off me and I could feel his gaze burning I to the side of my head. I tried to ignore it and deliver some more lines, but I couldn’t concentrate. Something was up and I wanted to find out what. “Everything ok?” I asked frankly. He smiled and placed his hand on my knee, sending tingles all over my body. “Yeah! Yeah…I just…” he trailed off as a blush spread across his cheeks. “Y’know what, never mind.” He stammered. "Keep going, you were doing awesome!" He said quickly, looking down at Brad. I furrowed my brow in disappointment. "No, cut the shit Billie, something's up. You can tell me, you know that right?" I pried. He looked up with just his eyes and smiled. "Well...y'know." he started. "Well...?" I asked. He was silent for a minute before taking a deep breath and moving closer to me. "I just...y'know what? Fuck it." He said under his breath. Before I could respond, he gently grabbed the side of my face, and kissed me.

I was shocked. I didn’t even have time to think about kissing him back even if I wanted to. He pulled away slowly and ran his fingers through my hair, our noses nearly touching. Panicking, I scooted to the other side of the couch quickly. "Wh-what was that for?" I asked quietly. "Why did you do that?" He brushed his hair back and shook his head. "Dylan there's something I've wanted to talk to you about since I met you-" "Billie no." I interrupted. "Dylan, I have to. I can't fucking take it anymore! You have to know how I feel about you." He confessed. I shook my head furiously. "We can't do this Billie Joe. You're leaving soon! I can't! Don't do this to me." I pleaded. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. "I have to go." I said quickly. "Here's my key” I said taking it off the keychain and tossing it to him. “Lock up when you leave, leave the key under the mat, and make sure Brad doesn't get out." I blurted out, grabbing my coat, scarf, mittens and dance bag and bolting to the door. I had to go, I needed to be alone.

I ran down to the studio in what was now a snowstorm, tears pouring from my eyes. I was furious with myself! I had gotten what I wanted this entire time, but it killed me. Every time I let myself fall in love, it ended in heartache and abandonment, and I loved Billie too much to even begin to let that happen. I'd only have to say goodbye a couple months later and the heartbreak from that would be too much to handle.  
So I got to the studio and locked the door behind me. I threw my things down, sat in the huge windowsill, the room illuminated only by the dim street light outside. I watched the snowflakes fall through the light, sparkling as they hit the ground and I cried. I cried like I hadn't let myself cry in years. I had bottled everything up for so long, and it was all being released. I knew I had to see him again, but it wouldn't be the same. Because of him, my life as I knew it would never be the same. 

I was destroyed.


	10. “You’re worth the wait.”

November 30th, 10:05 PM:

 

I had been sitting alone in the studio for nearly 45 minutes. Sobbing, thinking, worrying, the works. Everything was moving so quickly and it felt like I was being thrown into a raging sea with no lifejacket. I was conflicted; on one hand, everything I'd ever wanted was finally happening for me, but on the other, it was terrifying. Within a matter of months, I’d made new friends, landed a leading role in a Broadway musical, choreographed two shows and fallen in love. It was all so overwhelming.

My old life was so uncomplicated! I was relatively happy, I was successful in my work life, I had great friends and family and everything was comfortable. But then, Billie came into my life and changed everything. I owed so much to him, and now I had no idea what to do. I could never "just get over him", he was way too important to me. He had been there for me through every hardship, even before we’d met, for Christ sake! I was relieved to know how he felt, but at the same time it made me sick. Maybe if we could have talked about it earlier! Maybe, if a few months earlier I could have told him how I felt instead of being such a fucking pussy, we could have worked out! But I had a way of doing this. Rachel knew it! Ever since the mess that was my last serious relationship over 2 years prior, I’d become completely closed off. My ex, Adam, left scars both emotionally and physically. In fact, he was the reason I wore that damn choker every day so needless to say, love was never easy for me. 

I stared out the window, letting my thoughts run wild. For good or bad I wasn’t sure, but it was at least helping me rationalize. See, there was nothing I wanted more than to be with Billie, but something in my stupid brain was stopping me. I wished I could go back in time and take Rachel’s advice to get his number the minute I saw him walking into the theatre for the first time, but hindsight’s 20/20. Either way, even if I had done that, I ruined any chance at love that I'd ever had somehow anyway! I go into relationships thinking they'll end, so it's almost like I subconsciously sabotage them. I was a nearly impossible lady to be with, and there was no way I could let my own insecurities hurt Billie like that. 

I sat there going through a range of emotions; anger, sadness, confusion, you name it. Billie had tried to call me several times, but I ignored it. I needed to distance myself, and quick. Rip it off like a bandaid. Our relationship was strictly a work relationship at that point, so I turned my phone off and threw it into the depths of my dance bag. 

After wallowing in self pity for a solid 2 hours, I decided to use my energy for something productive. That’s how I operated- if something was bothering me, I distracted myself with work. I figured it was better to move on then sit and dwell on things I couldn’t control. That was a lesson I learned as I got older: not to give up when things seem bleak because the only way to go was forward. When I was younger, in situations like that I was prone to self harm. It was almost like a release to feel the pain, and it brought me back to reality. But as sure as god’s got sandals, that's one thing I wasn't about to slip back into. The scars were deep enough as it was, so as much as I wanted to, I stopped myself. Instead, I broke and sewed a new pair of pointe shoes to keep my hands occupied. 

When I was done and my tears had dried, I figured it was probably time to head home. It was getting late and I’m sure Brad was concerned. So I bundled up, and took one final look out the window to see what I was working with. The snow was still falling, but gently. It was 11:45 by then, so I didn’t expect to see many people, but to my surprise, nobody was out. Not a single soul. Since no one was to be found, the roads were covered in untouched, powdery snow that had to be at least up past my ankles, and It was silent. Absolutely dead quiet- which It was rare for New York, but I loved it. 

I locked up and stood outside on the front step, enjoying the peace. My eyes stung from crying, so the cold air hitting them was welcomed. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in and breathed out slowly. I could see my breath by then, and I watched as it danced through the cold, under the dim street light. Opening my eyes, I turned to look down the road and saw a figure running towards me. That was odd I thought, not a single person outside for what seemed to be the past hour, and then suddenly someone was running through the streets. I wondered if they needed help so I stood up to get a better look. But my stomach sunk as the person came into focus. It was Billie. 

"Dylan!!" He shouted. "Billie what are you doing? Are you crazy!? Its so cold out and you're only in sneakers!" I shouted back as I ran to where he was standing in the middle of the road. "How did you know I'd be here?" I asked. "Brian told me. I ran into him outside the garage when I left your place to find you. That, and you took your dance bag before you left." he slightly chuckled, out of breath. "God damnit" I said under my breath, realizing I would be terrible under cover. "Look, Dylan. I NEED to talk to you." he said, holding me by my shoulders. "Billie we ca-" "Sh! Stop. I don't care if you don't feel the same way, I need you to know okay? So listen to me." He said, sternly. I stopped talking and looked meekly up at him. He was looking into my eyes, hands still on my shoulders so I was forced to pay attention. I realized there was no more avoiding it when he took a deep breath, and began to talk. 

"From the moment I saw you running into the theatre I knew I needed to know you. You seemed so interesting! So you can imagine how excited I was when I saw it was you fixing Mike's fucking rental.” He laughed. “The minute I saw your eyes sparkle I was hooked. You were covered in grease, in that huge fuckin jumpsuit, but that didn't matter! Shit, you could wear a fuckin’ paper bag and still be the most beautiful woman on earth!” He said, grinning as a blush spread quickly across my already cold, rosy cheeks. “Every day since then I haven't been able to quit you. I’m driving the guys nuts talking about you so much! You're a fucking drug, Dyl." He continued. "I can't imagine going another fucking day knowing you didn't know how I felt. I think I'm falling in lo-" "Don't. Don't say it." I said cutting him off. "Dylan it doesn't matter to me if you don't say it back, that's not what I'm here for." With those words, I could feel the tears forming again, so I looked sheepishly down at my shoes in a pathetic attempt to hide it. "Billie it's not that. I feel the same way! But you're leaving soon. I can't let myself fall...you know, with you if you're leaving! That hurts too much." I explained, hoping I wasn't being rude. I looked back up at Billie to gage his inevitable disappointment, but instead of being angry, he was smiling. 

He wiped the tears from my cheek and placed his hand cogently on my chin, lifting my head up to look at him. "That just it Dylan. That's what else I wanted to tell you before you fucking ran off!" he said chuckling. "I WAS planning on leaving after opening night. I was, but then I met you. I knew that there was no fucking way I was leaving without you or letting you slip away. So I'm not fucking going anywhere if you aren't going with me!” he said, shaking my shoulders gently. “I’m not about to let you be the one that got away." He finished. I was absolutely floored. This couldn't be real, yet there we were. Standing there, staring into each other’s eyes.

"Oh my god, Billie I have no idea what to say. I can't believe it, I feel so bad! I'm So sor-" he put his finger on my lips to stop me from talking. "Dylan, you're amazing. You're the most beautiful, badass and inspiring human being I've ever met y'know, but right now? Just shut up." He laughed. He slid his fingers down my jawline and through my hair as he gently brought our bodies closer together, and kissed me gently. 

And there we stood; in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night, snow dancing on the gentle wind beneath the street lamp, finally in each other’s arms. He pulled me in as close as possible, deepening the kiss. And this time? I thought to kiss him back. I won't say I wasn't apprehensive, I was! Very. Its not every day that the love of your life professes their love for you in what had to be the most romantic way humanly possible! So in fear of waking up from what had to have been dream, I moved with caution. Slowly and tentatively I brought my hands up and around the back of his neck, and into his fluffy, snow covered hair. And to my excitement, it was all real. 

We stood there for what seemed like an eternity. Just him and I. In that moment, nothing else mattered, and nothing else existed. I could feel his lips turn into a smile and he broke the kiss. “Thank god.” He whispered, our foreheads still touching. "I just have one question" I said. "I'm damaged goods, Billie. It's not easy to love me. I'm really closed off and it might take me a while to open up." I explained. I was a bit worried that would throw him off, but I figured it was better to be honest now rather than cause problems later on. To my relief, he smiled and shook his head, and pulled me into a hug. "Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done. I will wait as long as I have to and we can go as slow as you want." He reassured. I smiled from ear to ear in pure excitement. "Are you sure?" I asked. "You're worth the wait, Dylan. I don't fucking care how long, I WILL wait. You're everything to me, y’know, and I don't care if it takes a week, or a year for you to even be ready to call yourself my girlfriend! I don’t care! I'll be here!" He exclaimed. And with that, I couldn't help it. I started fucking crying again. Nobody had ever been that patient with me and in that moment, I’d never felt so loved an accepted in my entire life. 

He held my hands tightly and we looked up at the snow. It was still falling gently, covering our footprints in the street. "Dylan?" Billie asked, breaking the silence after a few minutes. "Mhm?" I said. "I'm fucking cold." He laughed. I was relieved. "Oh fuck thank GOD me too! Let's go!" I said taking his hand and jogging down the road back to my place. 

We burst through the door, falling on top of each other and giggling like children. We kicked off our shoes and brushed the snow off our hair, shivering still. I quickly turned on the dim light next to the couch and ran to grab a blanket. Billie sat down on the couch next to Brad, who immediately jumped to his lap.

I came in with my blanket and sat down next to them on the other side of the couch. I tried to cover both of our laps with the blanket, but was admittedly struggling. Billie laughed and shook his head. "Come here." he said gently extending his arms. I looked around nervously as he pushed Brad off. Hesitantly, I got a little closer. "C’mon, closer." He said quietly, a gentle smile across his lips. He reached over and wrapped his arms around my waist, and hoisted my legs over his lap. 

He smiled, hugging me tightly, his slight stubble tickling my neck. He started running his fingers through my hair, but just as I got tingles down my spine, he stopped abruptly. "Oh! I'm so sorry! Is this ok?" He asked gesturing at the way we were sitting, pulling away slightly. I smiled at him, taking his hands in mine. "Billie, of course." I said softly, moving my hand up and gently rubbing the back of his neck. Being able to touch him like that was enough to send my heart in flips. "Okay, just didn't wanna go too far y'know. Nothing you're uncomfortable with!" He explained. "Billie, Relax. I was just hesitant at first because I've wanted SO badly to get close to you for so long now. It doesn't feel real! I don’t want to jinx anything." I confessed. I could feel my palms sweating, as I became more and more honest. I never really told people how I felt, so it was all so new me. I’ll be the first to tell you that It's much easier to bottle everything up and keep it to yourself, but I wanted to let Billie Joe in so badly. However, he wasn't ready for ALL of my baggage yet. He didn't deserve that! So for that moment, I would slowly break down those walls and let him in. At my own pace. 

He breathed a sigh of relief, squeezing my hand. "Okay, but If I ever go to far, tell me. Or hit me!" He chuckled as he returned to running his fingers through my hair. "Thank you. You…have no idea how much you mean to me." I said resting my head on his shoulder. "Oh I think I have a pretty good idea." he said smirking, looking at my record collection. 

We sat in silence for a while, Billie still playing with my hair, and tracing his fingers down my neck. Brad had snuggled up with us and between his heavy purring and the rhythmic beat of Billie’s heart, my eyes were getting heavier, and my body wanted to drift into sleep. "Alright, I think it's bedtime." I said looking up at Billie. I slowly got up, stretched and walked toward my bedroom. "Okay, have a good sleep!" He said, yawning. I raised an eyebrow and looked down at him. "Uh, you can come with me you know!" I said laughing a little. "But I mean hey, if you want to sleep on the couch all night, it’s your funeral. I'll pray for your back in the morning." He laughed. "No, no. I just didn't wanna y'know, oh whatever. You get it." He said getting up and joining me. "I do, thank you." I said smiling and kissing him on the cheek. 

I quickly changed into my pajamas and joined Billie, who was already in bed. I was nervous for him to see me without makeup, but as soon as he saw me come in, he grinned in excitement. He lifted up the covers on what would become my side of the bed, and waited for me to join him. As I laid down, he put his arm around my waist and pulled me in as close as possible, until we were basically nose to nose. "I can't even believe this is real." he said quietly. "You’re so fucking beautiful.” He said, pulling away slightly to get a better look. That erased any thoughts of insecurity I had, that’s for sure. “I always thought you'd be the one that got away. But you weren’t! I can’t believe it, honestly! God, I really lov-" I put my finger on his lips. "Shh, don't say that yet. The isn't our moment." I said smiling. “At least take me to dinner first.” I winked. "You're something else, Dylan." He said smirking and pulling me closer. His hand had moved to behind my head, fingers tangled in my hair. He ran his hand over my neck again, but stopped at my choker and my heart sank. "Oh, you forgot to take this off." he said. "No I didn't." I replied, quietly. "But isn't it uncomfortable? How come you always wear it?" He asked. "That's something for another day." I said awkwardly. He looked confused, but accepted my answer. I knew it would come up again, but for now, I was enjoying this moment too much to ruin it with scars from my past. 

I reached over and turned off the light. As the room became shrouded in darkness, Billie pulled me in close under the blankets, to save me from the cold air. He ran his hands across my body, smiling proudly. “You are so gorgeous.” He whispered, placing his hand gently on the side of my face. “I have to be the luckiest person on earth right now.” He continued, rubbing his thumb across my jaw. Now, I don’t think he was the lucky one that night. Not by a long shot, but I appreciated the compliment. 

By then, our lips were nearly touching. I could just barely make out his smile in the darkness just before he closed the space between us with a soft, but passionate kiss. He gently pulled on my hair, deepening the kiss further, as wrapped my arms and legs around his slender frame.

I know it might sound cheesy to say, but there was something...different, about kissing Billie than there was kissing anyone else. Not that I'd kissed THAT many people, but you get it! It was like I had been missing a piece of myself, and he was the piece. It was comfortable and natural, as if we were meant to be together. For the first time, I wasn’t nervous to be in bed with someone! It just felt RIGHT. But also, if you had have told me in high school that I'd be in bed with Billie Joe Armstrong, who's barely wearing clothes, and who's tongue also in my mouth I would have told you to dream the fuck on. 

He broke the kiss and rolled me over, pulling me closer from behind, his arms tightly wrapped around my waist. I could feel his steady breath on my neck, as he buried his head in the crook of my shoulder. As we lay there, he softly sang 'Something' by the Beatles into my ear, our fingers intertwined. Slowly, I drifted off and fell asleep to the sound of his beautiful voice like I had time and time before. But this time, he was there. Right beside me, holding me as if he were afraid to let go. I never wanted to leave his side ever again, and I knew I would never have to. I knew at that moment that my life had changed once more, for the better. For the unbelievable


	11. “Well this is unbelievable!”

November 31st, 9:47 AM:

My eyes slowly fluttered open to find the sun was shining exceptionally brightly, right into my eyeball. It was reflecting off the now heavy blanket of snow that covered New York. As my body adjusted to being awake, I stretched and looked at the clock I kept next to my framed picture of the Golden Girls on my bedside table. My eyes focused slowly to find a pleasant surprise: 9:47 AM. It was weird for me to ever sleep past 8, but I certainly wasn't complaining. I figure it’s best not to question the finer things in life. I smiled to myself, yawned and rolled over only to come face to face with Billie. He was sound asleep, his chest moving slowly up and down with every steady breath. Brad had also squeezed between us and made himself comfortable, snuggled up under Billie’s arm. I couldn’t think of a cuter sight to wake up to if I tried. 

I watched him sleep for what was probably an inappropriate, and creepy amount of time before his eyes slowly opened and met mine. He blinked a few times and his lips turned into a soft smile. "Hi there." he said in a raspy, morning voice, his natural plume of curls cascading off his forehead. "Hi" I said smiling. He chuckled and shook his head. "What?" I asked. "I just can't believe it." He sighed, tucking my hair behind my ear. "Can't believe what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "I can't believe that I got to wake up next to you." He confessed, resting his hand gently on the side of my face. I blushed and moved closer to him, tracing my hands up his arms. "Brad, I'm sorry but you're in the way, fatty." I said to the cat. He looked at me like I had betrayed him, and scrambled off the bed and into the kitchen, probably to stand and meow at the wall until food appeared in his bowl. Billie laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist, hoisting me on top of him. I looked down at him and blushed. “Jeez, I don’t even have makeup on yet. Don’t look too closely!” I joked. He smirked and pulled my head closer to his. “Honestly? I hadn’t noticed. You’re foxy with or without it.” He said in a low, sexy voice. I giggled and blushed as he started running his hands across my body, and up the back of my shirt. I leaned in to kiss him, and his arms wrapped around me tightly, in the most warm embrace I’d ever felt. Before I even had time to think, his tongue begged for entry in my mouth, and just like that, we were making out. 

Now, don’t get too excited. As my fucking luck would have it, no sooner had Billie taken my shirt off leaving me only in my bra, did I hear banging on my door. We listened as the deadbolt was unlocked, and the doorknob turned. My momentary panic at the thought of an intruder was replaced with dread, as I came to and realized what the only possible reason for that nonsense was. Thankfully, I had put the chain lock on the night before so the door was stopped with a loud thud before it could fully swing open. "Were you expecting company?" Billie asked confused. "Of course not." I said rolling ,my eyes. I knew exactly who it was. 

"DYLAN?!" I heard Rachel yell “Dylan! Wake up!” Brian’s voice came booming in afterwards. "What’s happening?" Billie asked, rubbing his eyes. I sighed "Taking advantage of the spare key I gave them, that’s what." I said, rolling my eyes. I threw on Billie's shirt as it was closest to me, and ran to the front door to give my unexpected guests a piece of my mind. 

"I'm starting to regret giving you a key!" I snapped through the crack in the door. "You love me and you don't mean that." Rachel said, poking her face through. “Hi Dylan.” Brian said, popping his head in above Rachel’s. "What do you want? I'm a bit busy." I asked. Rachel scoffed and snickered, looking at what I was wearing. However, her snicker quickly turned into shock, as if she just realized what that meant. "Wait! You have a guy in there?!" She asked, shoving her face further through the space in the door. "How dare you not tell me! Wait! Does Billie Know!?" She pried. “Wait! Does this mean you’re over him?” Brian added, a little too excitedly. "See, this? This is why I don’t tell you shit!" I whispered, trying to shut the door. But unfortunately, Brad had somehow squeezed his fat body through the door to greet Rachel. She picked him up and held him as if he were a hostage. "Ha! I have your cat! Now you have to let me in!" I narrowed my eyes in defeat, and closed the door so I could get the chain lock off.

"Ok, come in. But be cool, alright?! Promise me you won't say or do anything stupid?" I scolded. "Me? Never." Rachel said, dropping Brad into my arms. I shut the door behind them and put Brad on the couch. "So how long have you been seeing someone behind my back?" She said folding her arms. "Rachel I don't have to tell you everything." I sneered. “But you tell ME everything, right?” Brian asked, patting Brad. “Actually no! I don’t owe either of you shit!” I laughed. "That's a dirty lie, Dylan" Rachel said. I groaned a little and threw my head back. I loved those assholes, but fuck if they weren’t nosy. "Look, I didn't wanna jinx it, ok? It's actually going really well." I whispered. "Okay, whatever. So where is he?" She practically yelled, clapping her hands. “Wait, so there’s actually someone here?” Brian asked , jumping up and following Rachel as she started looking around my house. 

"Guys come on!" I begged. "Helloooo???" She called, ignoring me blatantly. She was making her way down the narrow hall towards my bedroom, Brian following closely behind. I ran after her, grabbing her arm and begging "Rachel please? Don't be weird okay?" she laughed, shaking her head. "Dylan when have I ever not been cool around your boyfriends?" She said, putting her hands on my upper arms. I sighed and began to count the guys she'd scared off on my fingers. "Okay, maybe don't answer that." She interjected. "I just really want to meet this new boyfriend. This is big thing, Dyl! You haven't dated in years!" She said, shaking me by my shoulders. I sighed heavily trying to find a way to sort of explain my situation. "Rachel he's not my boyfriend. Not yet, anyway." I whispered. She raised her eyebrows "Oh scandalous!" She cooed. It wasn't like me to have one night stands or anything so she was understandably surprised. Brian however, seemed less than enthused. “Wow. Didn’t think you were like this, Dylan.” He remarked. That was strange, I thought. Rude, but also strange. "No, no. It’s not like that.” I said, trying to explain myself. “We just started doing this whole....thing." I said gesturing my hands frantically. "We’re taking it slow ok so don't be weird." I said narrowing my eyes at the pair. "Dylan, relax. -I'll- be fine. Not so sure about others, though." She said, glaring at Brian. I guess she, like me, found his behaviour odd. He just glared back, offering no apology. Rachel brushed that off quickly, as if remembering how excited she was. She swung open my bedroom door and thrust herself inside. "Well hello mystery man! I'm Rache-" she stopped in her tracks, and her hands covered her mouth when she saw Billie sitting up in the bed, sheets covering his waist and his hands clasped in his lap, smiling up at her. 

“Oh god.” Brian groaned from behind Rachel, who’s hands still covered her mouth. She turned back to look at me, I was smiling, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed. "Cat got your tongue?" I said nudging her elbow. “Dylan what the fuck!?” she yelled. “How could you not tell me!? This is Huge!” She shrieked. “Jesus, Rachel keep it down. You could break glass with that pitch.” I said, rubbing my ear. “I’m sorry, but how are you so casual about this?” she asked. “Um, Hi. I’m not being casual.” Billie chimed in, raising his hand. “I’m crazy about her.” He laughed. “Well this is unbelievable!” Rachel said, now smiling. “Relax, Rachel. Nothing happened, thanks to you.” I said, rolling my eyes. “Good, I’m gonna go. See you guys later.” Brian said, making a swift exit. “Jeez, something I said?” Billie asked. “Yeah! What crawled up HIS ass today?” I added. “Who cares? This is way more important. I can’t wait to tell everyone!” Rachel said. “Wait, Rach. Please keep this low key for a while.” I pleaded. “I’m not so sure we want the whole world to know yet.” I explained. Billie nodded in agreement. It wasn’t that we were keeping it secret per-se, but the thought of other folks interfering like they tended to do, that left a sour taste in my mouth. Right then, I wanted to have something special between Billie and I.

“Ugh, Fine! You have no idea how difficult this is going to be, though.” She said in a huff, walking towards the kitchen. "So what did you drop by for?" I asked, following her and sitting down. Billie joined us, rubbing my shoulders and kissing my cheek as he walked by. Rachel turned around and immediately turned up her nose in disgust. "Jesus, Bill! Put some clothes on! " She said, noticing Billie was in nothing but his underpants. "Well...she has my shirt so..." he said, shrugging. Rachel shuddered and turned back to raiding my fridge. "So..what are you here for??" I repeated. She thought for a while, presumably trying to remember why she'd even come over in the first place, "I...honestly don't remember." She said shrugging. "Okay well when you figure it out we'll be here" I said sarcastically, folding my arms and crossing my legs.

It was silent for a moment as Rachel made herself a sandwich, then suddenly, it was as though a lightbulb went off in In her head. "I remember!" She shrieked. Billie and I both jumped and stared at her. She wasn't offering any explanation, and instead was shoving her face full of food. "....Rach? Are you gonna tell us or?" Billie started "Right! She interrupted, mouth full. "Guess who found my number? Again. And is asking for you! Again." She said, looking at me almost annoyed. My heart sank when I realized what was happening. It was exactly what I was afraid of.  
"No." I whined. I ran my hands through my hair as Rachel and I exchanged glances in silence. ".....who?" Billie asked quietly. "Hm? Oh, Adam." Rachel sighed. "Adam?" He asked, furrowing his brow. "Dylan? Did you not tell him about Adam?" Rachel snapped. See, I hadn't told him about Adam, and there was a good reason. I didn't want him to get freaked out and worry about me, and I didn't want Adam in any part of my life anymore after the way he treated me. Even if he was just a topic in passing! I didn't want to waste any more time and energy on him, but apparently it was unavoidable. Just the way Adam wanted it. 

"So who's Adam?" Billie asked after what was probably an uncomfortable lull. Thankfully, he didn't sound mad which was a relief, he just seemed curious was all. "Adam is my most recent ex." I sighed, rubbing my temples with my fingertips. "Recent! That's hilarious." Rachel cackled. "When Dylan says recent, she means literally over 2 years ago. Dylan doesn't date." She explained, spitting sandwich pieces out of her overly full mouth. Billie looked no less confused than before, but slightly more covered in sandwich spit. "So why's he messaging you? And why is it awful? Also finish what's in your mouth first, fuck." He said, wiping the wet crumbs from his forehead. "Oh wow! You really do know nothing about him don't you? I can't believe she hasn't said anything!" Rachel said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "You've seen those scars on her nec-" she began, walking over and trying to pull my choker down a little. "Rach, please." I interrupted, smacking her hand away. "Oh shit, he hasn't seen has he? I'm so sorry!" She said, rubbing my back. "It's okay, don't worry about it." I said, knowing she didn't intend to put me in that position. "Now isn't the time to talk about that." I said, adjusting my choker back to its original position. "Honestly Billie, it's nothing to worry about. We have it under control." I assured him, placing my hand on his. He didn't seem convinced, and rightfully so. Adam was very much a threat and I sure as hell did not have it under as much control as I lead on, but I just didn't want Billie to be upset or scared for me. "Let's just hope he doesn't come around again, and move on, ok?" I said, standing up to get coffee for everyone. 

"So what are you guys doing today?" Rachel asked. "Everything's closed because of the storm." She said, pointing out the window. "Well I figured since the studio is close, we would go work on some stuff there." I said, walking behind Billie and massaging his shoulders. "Billie owes me something, anyway." I said winking. His smile instantly faded, and he looked worried. And justifiably so! I hadn't forgotten the deal we'd made when I agreed to work with him. He owed me one, and that was the perfect day to take him up on it.  


"Gross." Rachel said, wrinkling her nose. Billie raised his eyebrows and winked, looking up at me. "Ew, relax. It isn't like THAT, ya nasties." I said, folding my arms. "Aaaaaaw. You tease." Billie whined. I smacked the back of his head, causing him to burst into a fit of giggles. "Riiiight." Rachel said, walking towards the door. "Well I'll leave you two to do...whatever it is that you're doing...Just be safe." She said, smirking. "Thin ice, Rach." I scolded. "So what are you doing today anyway?" I asked, leaning on the door frame. "Well Brian and I were gonna see if you wanted to go tobogganing with us, but I have no idea where he went." She explained, half-heartedly looking down the hall. "Honestly, what's up with him today?" I asked. "I'm not sure." She started. "But I'm assuming it has to do with Adam. He's just overly protective of you since the incident, so maybe he's just worried." She shrugged. "Well tell him I'm sorry if you see him. Didn't wanna cause any drama, y'know." Billie chimed in, scratching his head. "I'm sure he was just shocked, but okay! See you kids later." Rachel said, shutting the door behind her.  


As soon as she was gone, we got ourselves ready and started the trek to the studio in the three feet of snow covering the city. "Aren't you freezing?" I asked him as we trudged. "You know, being from California and all. You guys can't handle weather of any kind!" I joked. "Hey! I'm just fine!" he protested, visibly shivering. "Suuure ya are." I said, getting cocky and skipping ahead. "Hey Dylan?" He called. I whipped around to come face to face with a snowball, and Billie snickering like a little boy. "Oh so you wanna play like that eh?" I sneered, brushing the snow off my hair and picking up a snowball myself. Billie's eyes widened and he bolted past me. Well, Sort of. He ran as much as a person can in almost knee deep snow. Being from Canada and growing up with all brothers, I caught up to him quickly and pelted him in the back of the head with my perfectly formed snowball. "Alright you win!" He said turning around with his hands up in surrender. "You should learn not to challenge a Canadian to a snowball fight, Cali boy." I trash talked, hands on my hips. "Jeez! Is this how you treat all your boyfriends?" He joked. "Well, since we aren't officially dating, I guess not!" I quipped back, not missing a beat. He laughed and rolled his eyes, put his arm around my waist and pulled me in close as we walked side by side the rest of the way.  


We got in the studio, barely. The door was nearly covered in snow and the locks frozen shut. But eventually, we forced our way through, turned on the lights and settled in. "I'm scared to ask but, what is it exactly we're going to be doing?" Billie asked hesitantly. "Well if you'll remember, I told you that you owe me one for agreeing to work with you guys." I started "And I got word that you're going to be playing St. Jimmy in some of the shows." he looked at me, even more confused than before. "....and?" He interrupted. "Well do you honestly think that as a choreographer I would let you even go near that stage not knowing how to dance?" I asked, smirking. "I'll have you know I used to tap dance." He retorted, folding his arms. "As adorable as that is, it means nothing to me." I laughed, doing some light stretches to prepare. 

"Okay! Come here." I said,extending my arms. He raised his eyebrows and bit his lip, a playful sparkle in his eyes as he sauntered over to join me. Seeing him act like that was unbelievably sexy, I won't lie. And the fact that he was playing along sent my loins into a throbbing tizzy. "Whoa!" I said. "You're actually doing this?" I chuckled. I expected him to laugh in my face and act like a little boy, teasing me and dancing badly on purpose. But I was pleasantly surprised! He traced his fingers down my arm, took my hand and spun me around. "A deal's a deal." he said softly into my ear, sending goosebumps all over my body.  


I taught him some basic swing and jive steps, just enough to get him comfortable, really. But it turns out, he was a very quick learner. So I switched up the tempo to keep him on his toes, and taught him a basic foxtrot to Fred Astaire's dancing cheek to cheek. Throughout the entire dance, he sang along softly, smiling at me like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. As much as I wished I could be joking around and teasing him, I just couldn't. He was the best, most cooperative, eager and patient partner I'd ever had. Now, I may be biased in saying that, but he truly blew me out of the water that day.  


"Wow! I'm Impressed, babe!" I said, grinning. I quickly realized what I said and turned a bright shade of red. "Er, I mean Big Shoots." I said, trying to cover my little slip up. Billie snickered, obviously not believing my pathetic cover up like I hoped he would. "Babe huh?" He said, twirling me one more time. "Hm? Nope! I don't think so!" I insisted, avoiding eye contact. He pulled me closer and smiled down at me. "Noooo, you did. You called me babe." He insisted. I could feel my cheeks heating up even more with every word he spoke. I finally looked up and my eyes met his. "I did no such thing." I choked out. My words got caught in my throat just looking at his smile. Not even just his smile! It was everything about him that made me weak in the knees. The way he spoke, his eyes, his tousled hair, hell even the way he smelled made me forget how to speak when I was near him. But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.  


"It's okay, baby." He whispered, moving in, our lips nearly touching. "I loved it." He finished, leaning in and kissing me softly. His hand on my lower back pulled our bodies closer to the point that we were touching, and we continued to sway to the music. As we danced, he traced kissed gently along my cheek, his stubble tickling me with every kiss. A moan of content escaped his lips, as he kissed down my jaw, making his way slowly to my neck. Upon reaching my neck, my stomach sank slightly, and I tensed up. I never let anyone see or touch my neck, not in years. Not since that one awful night that changed my entire life, and perception of myself.

It seemed as though Billie noticed my slight tension and pulled away to face me. "So, are you ready to tell me why you always wear that?" He asked, tucking my hair behind my ear. I bit my lip nervously and looked down, beginning to sweat. "Not now." I said quietly, knowing fully well that excuse was going to become less and less valid each time I said it. "Not here, anyway. I don't wanna ruin this moment." I whispered. I was hoping he wasn't mad, but the last thing I wanted to do was ruin everything with my ugly past. But instead of getting frustrated like most folks did, he just smiled and nodded. "Okay, when you're ready." He reassured me, kissing my forehead. "But you do know you can tell me anything, right? Y'know, only when you're ready!" he said, making me feel much better about the whole thing. "Thank you, Billie." I said, resting my head on his shoulder. "Hey, don't worry about it." He said, placing his hand on the back of my head. And there we stayed, completely disregarding any choreography I intended on teaching him, and just enjoying being in each other's arms. The 1930's jazz echoed through the empty room as the sun began to set on what is to this day, one of the most amazing days of my entire life. Billie Joe had made me feel more incredible in that 48 hours than I had felt in years. Any insecurities I had, any stress about work, all dissolved. It all seemed to disappear when I was with him, and in that moment? There, dancing with Billie? Life was perfect.


	12. “It’s...a long story.”

January 20th, 11:45 AM: 

 

The months leading up to Grease went by far quicker than I hoped they would. In fact, it was like someone pushed fast forward on my life and just sat back, and watched me squirm. But as much as I tried to stop it, the day was finally here. It was opening night. To say I was terrified would have been an understatement, the understatement of the century even! I was absolutely freaking out. 

"Dylan? I think you're amazing you know that. But please, can you calm down?" Billie begged. He had been watching me wander around my apartment, muttering to myself for over an hour, chewing my fingernails down to the quick. "See, that's easy for you to say!" I snapped. "You perform in front of thousands of people as part of your job!" I groaned. He laughed and walked up to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. "You'll be amazing." He said, running his fingers through my hair. My heart rate slowed down almost immediately as he smiled down at me. He had a way of making me feel better when it seemed hopeless. "But you haven't even heard me sing!" I protested, my blood pressure spiking again. "If your singing is even half as good as you are beautiful, I'm sure it's incredible." He said, pulling me into a hug. I smiled half heartedly and kissed him. But just as I began to calm down, there was a knock on the door. 

"Hey guys!" Rachel said, letting herself in. She, Brian, Mike and Tré had stopped by with some lunch, and to wish me luck before the show. "Getting pumped, Dyl?" Tré asked. I sighed heavily and sat down at the kitchen table. "As much as someone who's literally never acted in anything, let alone a god damn broadway musical and has been completely thrown into it almost blindly can be!" I said, slapping on a weak grin and drinking Pepto bismol straight from the bottle. "Well I brought you some stuff to make your day a little easier." Rachel said joining me. She handed me a gift bag full of pepperoni sticks, a bottle of bourbon, a book of Mad-Libs and a pack of menthols. I could have cried I was so happy. "Oh thank Christ!" I said, pulling a cigarette out and lighting it, breathing in the sweet, sweet poison. I knew Rachel hated my nervous habit, but she knew how freaked out I was and, I guess had put her bias aside. 

"I'm honestly gonna die." I said wide eyed, scrunching my hand in my hair. "Relax, Dylan! We'll all be right there, in front row to cheer you on." Brian said, Brad in hand. "Yeah! And hey, the front row is probably all you're going to be able to see from the stage anyway." Mike reassured me. I wasn't sure if he was lying to keep me calm, but it sort of put my mind at ease. 

"Ugh. Dylan, if you're going to be disgusting when you're nervous and smoke that trash, can you at least go stick your head out the window or something?" Rachel asked, fanning the air in front of her nose dramatically. "Fine." I sighed, rolling my eyes. I knew I had to quit for good, I had at least stopped smoking casually! But right then, it was the least of my worries. So I walked over to the tiny balcony just off the living room to finish my cigarette. Now, I guess Rachel thought I was far enough out of ear shot, so of course she took that opportunity to ask Billie about our relationship. 

"Wait, so you're not official yet?" She whispered. "You've been basically together for like, four months now! What's her problem?!" She hissed. "I'm not sure" Billie answered. "I bet it's about Adam." Brian chimed in. "Wait, who's Adam?" Tré added. "Oh Jesus. Don't get me started. It's a long story." She said. I could see her folding her arms and shaking her head in the open windows reflection. "Well whatever it is, I respect her." Billie said "It just bums me out that I can't show her off, y'know? She deserves it so much! I just wanna tell the entire world about how fucking awesome she is! But every time we meet someone new and they ask, she keeps saying we're just friends." He sighed. "Sort of y'know, feels like we're taking a step back? I don't know." In the reflection I saw him running his fingers through his hair, at a loss for what to do. "Well then it's time to get over her I guess. Oh well, easy come easy go right?" Brian said, a little too dismissively. "Hey! Be nice!" Rachel snapped, but Billie seemed to ignore Brian's comment from what I could tell. "But y'know, I told her I'd wait however long she needed to. And I'm going to. She's worth the wait." He sighed, Mike patting him on the back. 

I felt terrible. My heart honestly ached for him! I didn't set out to make him feel this way. In fact, I wanted more than anything to be ok with being someone's girlfriend again, but love was terrifying! Maybe it was time I told him How much I loved him. And how much I wanted to be his girlfriend! God, It's just one more reason I hated myself. How could I do this to the person I love more than life itself? The urge to cut again was strong, I won't lie to you. With this new information on top of nervousness? I was a wreck! But I had to suck it up. I walked back inside and took a deep breath. "Better?" Billie asked smirking. "Much, thanks." I murmured. "Alright well, we'll see you after the show!" Rachel said standing up. "Break a leg, idiot." Tré said slapping my shoulder. "Ow, sure. thanks Tré! That really helped!" I yelled. "Go wait in the car." Rachel scolded, dragging Tré out by his ear. "Good luck, Dylan! You'll knock 'em dead. I can feel it!" Mike said, giving me a hug. "Good luck, buddy. You'll be amazing. You always are." Brian said, interrupting Mike and gently rubbing my shoulder. Although slightly uncomfortable about the way Brian had been acting lately, I didn't have time to worry about that shit. So I smiled awkwardly and thanked him. "LETS GO! COME ON I WANNA BE EARLY!" I heard Rachel yell from the bottom of the stairs. With that, Brian and Mike ran downstairs, and they all drove off to the theatre. 

Once everyone cleared out, Billie came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulders. "So, you ready?" He asked, hugging me from behind and kissing my cheek. "I guess so." I shrugged. "Well I mean...worst case Ontario, I make a complete dick of myself on stage. Then, I'll move to Arizona, dye my hair and change my name and I never have to see these people again in my life." I said. "Only if I can come with you." He laughed. "Good! Perfect! We'll go into hiding, change our names- I'll be Kathy Varnson and you can be uh...Martin Carr! Ooooh can we just do that instead? I'll go pack my bag!" I whined. "Dylan, chill out a bit ok? Everything's going to be fine." He said, walking around the chair to face me. "Okay so um, I don't want to freak you out or anything..." He started "But we have to go. Like, now." He continued, looking at his watch. It was finally time for me to head to the theatre, whether I was Kathy Varnson or Dylan Faraway, this was happening. 

Reluctantly, I dragged myself down the four flights of stairs, wincing and moaning like a little bitch with each step. After some careful coaxing and gentle kisses, Billie managed to get me in my car, and drove me down. I was in no state to drive feeling as emotional as I was, so I was more than grateful to have him there. He parked, got out and walked over to the passenger side, opening my door for me. I flopped out, grabbed his hand and he walked me to the stage door. "Okay! This is it! You are going to be amazing, Dylan." He said, his arms around my waist. "We'll see." I muttered. "Oh stop saying that shit." He scolded. "You were amazing in rehearsals! There's no way you can fuck it up, okay?! Stop putting yourself down!" He laughed, hugging me tightly. He pulled away to face me, softly rubbing the back of my neck. "I love you." He said, leaning forward and kissing my forehead. "Okay, I can do this. Here goes nothing." I whispered, opening the door smiling ear to ear, in lieu of what he'd just said. He winked at me, and turned to go back to the car. Now, even though I did love him back, probably more than he loved me! I was still too nervous to fully tell him yet. Stupid, I know. But you know what? Hearing him say it was exactly the kick in the pants I needed.

With my new found confidence Billie's pep talk gave me, I strutted straight into my dressing room, only to find a huge commotion. The entire cast and what appeared to be at least half of the chorus line were all gathered in my tiny dressing room, freaking out about something. 

"What the hell's going on here?" I asked, throwing my bag down on an empty counter. I wasn't tall enough to see over them, so I jumped and craned my neck to see. "Dylan! Thank god! Can you go get David?" Greg asked frantically. "Right this second? I have to go to hair and makeup." I said, confused. "What's even going on anyway?" I said, finally pushing through the group to see for myself what was so pressing. And boy, was I in for a treat. "What in the fuck?" I said, eyes wide. I was decidedly not prepared for what I had just seen. Turns out, what they were gathered around was Christine, slumped over in the corner, under my rack of costumes. 

"Guys! it's fine I got this!" She slurred. She was trying to zip up my dress for my opening number, over her jeans and sweater. On the way up, ghe zipper snapped, but she kept yanking it until it barely covered her armpits. Her being much taller than me, the arms tore as well, and the whole thing barely came down to her knees. "See? perfect!" She sloshed, stumbling over and hitting the wall. "Oh. Yeah this is about right." I grumbled, remembering the vision of this happening I had. But in my head, she wasn't trashed, so this just added a whole new level of bullshit. Why could anything go right for me, after all?

"Alright! Everyone get the fuck out. I can handle this." I demanded, taking charge. "Are you sure?" Greg asked. "Aren't you mad?" He continued. "Greg, I'm furious. I don't like her as much as the next guy." I explained, calmly. "But the last thing she needs right now is someone yelling at her, and a group of her peers and people she thought were her friends surrounding her like she's a spectacle. Chances are she'll be embarrassed later, so everyone fuck off, alright? Show some respect." I said, sternly. If there was one thing I was good at, it was working under pressure, in crisis situations. My shitty life had at least prepared me for that! 

Everyone scattered and went to their own dressing rooms, so I walked up and kneeled down next to her. "Heeeey. How's it goin?" I said gently. "Feeling ok?" I said, putting a hand on her shoulder. She grunted and sat up. "I'm here for the show!" She wailed. She was obviously fucked up on what had to have been near lethal combination of pills and alcohol. She looked completely burnt out and destroyed. I guess being booted from the show was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

As much as she seemed to hate me, and I didn't really much care for her either, I couldn't leave her like that. Something was truly not right, and didn't sit well with me. "Chris? I'm gonna call an ambulance alright?" I said, opening a bottle of water for her. "But I'm a STAR!" She said pushing me away, attempting to punch me in the face. Her arms flailed near my head, and knocked me square in the nose. And as if God hadn't played a cruel enough joke on me already, it started to bleed. 

Although my nose was now gushing blood, I was more concerned with the fact that I could see Christine slowly blacking out. "Well! This won't be as easy as I thought!" I said to myself. I tore the dress off her, picked her up , and carried her over my shoulders towards the exit. 

On the way out, I ran into Greg, who came in to make sure I was alright. "Perfect timing! Can you call an ambulance please?" I asked him, blood pouring down my face. "Holy shit, Dylan is everything ok?!" He asked, in a tizzy. "Yeah, Greg. "Peachy." I said sarcastically, trying to squeeze Christine and myself past him in the narrow hallway. "Oh, once you've called the ambulance, can you get Rita from wardrobe here quick? We got a busted zipper on our hands. I'm going to make sure Chris gets to the hospital alright." I finally shoved my way past a horrified Greg, and shuffled sideways up the staircase, making sure not to bang Christine's head on anything. One of us was already bleeding, lord knows we didn't need any more. 

I took her to the parking lot and put her down against the wall. She tilted her head back, moaning and babbling about how she needed to get to the stage. "The show will have to go on without you there, Big Shoots. You're in no state to perform." I joked half heartedly as I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. "Still bleeding, perfect." I said, looking down at my now bloody hand. My clothes were covered already, so what was one more thing I thought. 

Noticing Christine slipping in and out of lucidity, I took the water bottle I gave her and poured it on her face, hoping to wake her up. She quickly came to, mumbling completely incoherently and looking paler by the second. She groaned loudly one last time, vomited on the ground beside her and fell on to my lap. "Well, least you didn't get any on me." I said, trying to keep her talking. But my efforts were in vein. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and I could see she wasn't breathing. 

So there I was: dripping blood, sitting on the ground with what had to be a nearly dead woman on my lap, just two hours before I  was set to make my broadway debut in front of all my friends and the people I've idolized since I was a kid, but my performance was the last thing on my mind. My priority was Christine. 

"Shit." I hissed, lying her down in front of me. "Okay, Christine stay with me!" I yelled hoping she could potentially hear me. After the shooting at my school, I vowed to always have my CPR certification so I could react quickly in an emergency. And that day was my lucky day! I finally got to use it. I began performing CPR, blindly hoping for the best. "Come on, Christine! Please don't give up!" 

Finally, as I had just stopped chest compressions and begun giving her mouth to mouth, the ambulance showed up. I listened to her chest, and I could feel her slowly start breathing on her own, albeit shallowly. "YES! She's breathing!" I screamed toward the sky. I looked down at her to make sure she didn't spit up and choke on anything, and to my embarrassment, my gross nose bleed was now all over her face. But hey, at least she was alive! The paramedics took over from there, thanking me for everything. They loaded her into he back and sped down the street and out of sight. 

I leaned against the wall, slid down and sat there for a while. I used the flannel overshirt I was wearing to soak up the blood on my nose. "Of course this is my life." I said, leaning my head up against the wall, pinching the bridge of my nose to stop the blood. Knowing I had to sit there for a while until the blood settled, I lit up a cigarette, closed my eyes and collected myself before going back inside. 

I sat in the makeup chair once the blood had stopped completely. Naomi the makeup girl had her work cut out for her, that's for sure. I had a huge bruise on the centre of my nose that was surely going to take something as thick as tar to cover. Thankfully it wasn't broken, but it still didn't look pretty. "What happened to you?!" Naomi asked. "It's...a long story." I said, not wanting to explain it all. "Knock knock." Greg said as he opened the door He walked up beside me and put some absolutely gorgeous flowers on the counter. "Here, Dylan. Someone brought these for you." He said, admiring the bouquet. "Did everything end ok? You're awfully calm." He said, handing me the note that came with it. "Yeah. I mean, all in a day's work right? I've been through way worse." I laughed, shrugging. "It's not about me anyway. I got her breathing again and the paramedics came just in time. And that's all that matter to me, really. Thanks for calling them by the way." I said. "Wait, paramedics?! What happened?!" Naomi asked. "I'll explain later. Right now I wanna know who's giving Dylan flowers!" Greg said, excitedly. I looked over at the bouquet on the counter, opened the note and read it. 

"Good luck out there. If you get nervous just look for me. I'll be here to cheer you on every single night! All my love- Billie."  I couldn't help but blush. In fact, I was grinning like a moron. "Oooooh! Who's it from?!" Naomi cooed, adjusting my wig "It's from..." I hesitated. "My boyfriend. My stupid amazing boyfriend." 

That was the first time I let myself call him that. It just sort of, slipped out! But it felt right. It sent tingles all through my stupid body! I couldn't keep it in anymore, and I was excited to announce it to the world. It's like, all of a sudden I was taking a leap of faith, and trusting what I had known all along. I was head over heels in love with Billie Joe. 

"You two are finally dating?!" Greg said, taking the note from me and reading it himself. "I'm so happy for you! Well, pissed that I lost the bet, but happy for you!" He said. "Bet? What bet?" I asked, laughing. "Oh, well we all had a pool." He explained "I said you'd be official by February. So if you could have just waited a couple weeks..." I crossed my arms and snatched the letter from him. "You guys are assholes." I said as I stuck the hand written note on the mirror in my dressing room. I smiled, turning toward the door, where a stage manager was waiting. "Okay guys! Almost time! Head on up to the green room, please." She said. Now, I should have been nervous, but after dealing with Christine, the idea of being on stage didn't seem so terrifying. I was also filled with excitement and adrenaline from finally admitting my love for Billie. It almost felt like the old me was coming back. Pre Adam, confident, live in the moment Dylan. It had been so long since I'd seen her, but she was starting to come back! It was as though my entire body was done worrying about all the bullshit, and I was ready to enjoy life again. I felt like I could take on the world. 

Greg and I pranced upstairs, laughing and joking like we did when the production first started. It was refreshing to be excited again, and I was even more thrilled to share it with Billie later. We sat in the green room, bouncing our knees with energy. I couldn't wait to show the world what I was made of. "Okay guys. You're on!" A stage manager said. "This is it! You ready, Sandy?" Greg whispered as we stood behind the curtain. "More than anything." I said, for the first time in full confidence. I took a deep breath, and smiled. "Alright. Let's do this!" I whispered. And with that, we walked out on the stage, to a full house of eager people, including the love of my life, right there front and centre as promised. And me, with an entirely new outlook.


	13. “How did you know I’d be here?”

January 20th, 7:30 PM:

 

I stood on the stage, nervous as damn but undeniably excited. I was about to sing my first solo ever on stage. On broadway no less! If you had have asked me how I was feeling just hours prior, I would have burped out how cripplingly nauseated it made me, between drags of menthols with pepto bismol on my breath. But it was as if something switched in my brain and I just didn't give a shit about being miserable anymore. It was hard to describe, but it felt like I was experiencing life again to its full extent. I used to be the type of person who grabbed life by the balls. I took risks and said yes to everything! But after the night with Adam that changed my life once again for the worse, I had retreated back into the shell I'd built for myself right after the shooting. But just like recovering from being shot, the anxiety that had built up over the years was beginning to slip away. The minute I stepped out on that stage the first time, I began to have fun again. Real fun. And as I looked out into the mostly darkened theatre, at the hundreds of people there to see me, all I could see was Billie Joe, smiling from ear to ear. 

In fact, in the months I'd known him I had never seen him so happy. He beamed up at me with pride, on the edge of his seat like an excited child. He kept nudging Rachel who had the misfortune of sitting next to him, and pointing every time I came on. Honestly, it really helped me to feel more relaxed. When I was singing, I was singing just for him and not anyone else. I was really hoping my voice didn't sound too nasal though, what with being punched and all. My nose was absolutely throbbing, but I didn't care. Seeing Billie so happy was all I needed to deliver the best performance I ever could have. On top of that, after every number I could hear Rachel screaming and whistling for me louder than everyone else, right in Brian's ear each time. Brian cheering equally as loud, and Mike and Tré clapping louder than anyone in the house, seeing who could have the last clap. I bet they were all driving the rest of the crowd nuts! But in that moment, nobody else in that whole audience mattered to me because I had the best hype crew out there. I felt like the luckiest person alive. 

The room went crazy when the show came to a close. As Greg and I walked to the front of the stage to take one last bow, the crowd (lead by my friends) began a standing ovation. In that huge sea of smiling faces, I made eye contact with Billie, who blew me kisses. And that was it! He broke me! I couldn't help it, but I started crying. I was crying tears of elation, standing there and looking out on to a crowd of adoring humans all clapping for stupid old me. This was too incredible to be real! Yet there I was. 

As soon as the cast and I stepped off stage, we all exchanged hugs and high fives. The first show could not have gone better in spite of what happened just hours before. In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but wonder how Christine made out. I wondered if she had anyone there to support her. I knew she wasn't originally from New York, so I was worried she'd have nobody. Yeah, I know- she had been nothing but awful to me, but nobody deserves to go through what she was going through. Call me hopelessly naive, but that's just how I was raised. "You okay, Dylan?" Greg asked. I guess I looked glazed over, thinking about Christine. "Oh yeah! I couldn't be better!" I beamed. "But I'm worried about Christine." I sighed. "Pff, that bitch?! Dylan forget her! This is your moment!" Sara said, hugging me by my shoulders. "Yeah, but where I'm from- if someone needs your help, you help them. Doesn't matter if you like them or not. Nobody gets left behind." I said. "God. You're such a good person." Greg laughed, rolling his eyes as he walked back to the green room. "So are you and your man coming to the after party?" He asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively. "Yeah." I laughed, a blush spreading across my cheeks. "Just let me go get changed." I said, making my way towards the stairs. As I descended down to the pit of dressing rooms, I heard the cast whispering frantically "Wait! Dylan's seeing someone?! Who is it!" I laughed to myself at the buzz I created and pranced downstairs. 

I was on the landing of the third and final flight of stairs, where I found Billie waiting for me beside the back exit. "Oh hey!" I said excitedly, running up and hugging him. "Dylan you were absolutely amazing." He said, nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck. "Oh shut up" I said pulling away. "You have to say that." I said lightly hitting his chest. "No Dylan, you don't get it do you? You're all they're talking about out there! You came out of nowhere and blew them the fuck away." He explained. I had no words. I couldn't believe people were actually impressed by me! This had to be some sort of fever dream I thought. He took my hands and kissed me softly. Melting my heart, that was so full of love for the first time in years. "Okay, I'll be back up in a minute. Just gonna go grab my stuff." I said just before I ran down to my dressing room to get changed.

I was about to turn into the doorway, when I could hear someone coming up behind me. I ignored it thinking it was just one of cast or chorus line. It wasn't unusual for there to be quite a few people lingering after the show, so I thought nothing of it as I left my door slightly ajar, and began scraping the layers of makeup off my face. 

I could for the first time fully see the damage on my nose now. There was no way people weren't going to notice. Fuck, it looked like I'd gotten in a bar fight or something. So I tried to cover it the best I could with some concealer, but I was no Naomi that's for damn sure. She had a way of doing makeup like nobody I'd ever met. "Well...that's as good as it gets I guess." I said to myself, stepping back and admiring my mediocre handywork. I shrugged and began taking off my costume. I quickly switched my neck scarf for my choker, in fear of someone walking in. There was no way anyone was going to see my neck then, or at the after party. No matter how much my choker clashed with my cocktail dress. 

As I I looked at myself in the mirror, the note Billie had written me caught my eye again. I smiled reading it over, butterflies slowly fluttering up in my stomach. But I was rudely interrupted when I heard a knock on the door frame, and the door slowly swing open. A mans voice spoke in a slow, deep monotone, slithering up my spine. "Hey Dylan." He said. My stomach churned just hearing that voice again, and it sent my body into a cold sweat. It was Adam. 

"What the fuck are you doing here? You need to go now." I said frantically, but also as quietly as I could. I did NOT want to draw attention to this fuckshow, and I needed him out of there quicker than he had even come in. "I loved your performance Dylan." He said slowly, walking towards me. "Get the fuck out, Adam. I'm serious." I stuttered, terrified and backing up into the counter. "I brought you these." He said handing me some flowers. "What the fuck? No! What are you doing? Does a restraining order mean nothing to you?!" I snapped. "How did you know I'd be here?" He looked at me, confused. "What? so I can't bring my girlfriend flowers after her first show?" I was completely blindsided. Life had prepared me for a lot of crises, but this was completely out of my repertoire.

"Who told you I was here Adam?!" I snarled. He smirked, moving closer to me. "Dylan you're always so silly. I know everything my lady does! Don't you remember? We've been waiting for this day since you got the part!" He said, placing his hand on the side of my face, making me squirm. "I'm glad it went well considering how late you got your script, all those hours you spent at the studio, and who could forget your fights with Christine. But of course my Dylan pulled it off." He said trying to run his fingers through my hair. I whipped my head away, and started backing up towards the door. There was no way I was turning my back to him. "H...how did you know where I worked? How did you know about m-my script! Who told you?" I said, voice cracking. He turned to follow me, but his attention was taken by the flowers on my counter and the note on my mirror, and his near emotionless expression quickly turned to rage. 

"Dylan! Who the fuck is this from?" He fumed, ripping the note from my mirror. "Who the fuck is Billie?!" He yelled, throwing it in my face. "It doesn't matter to you Adam. Now leave. Don't make me call the cops alright?" I said sternly, trying to regain control. His face was red and his eyes white with rage. He threw the flowers he brought on the floor and stormed up to me, grabbing my arm and dragging me up the stairs. 

"What do you think you're doing Adam! Let me go!" I shrieked, hoping someone was around to hear me. I squirmed trying to escape his grip, but that just made him hold on tighter. "Come on. We're going home." He said, once again monotone. He dragged me to the stage door, kicking and screaming. I held on to the door frame for dear life as the cold air nipped at my skin. Boy, and to think. Me without my jacket, eh?

"Hey! What the fuck's happening here?!" I heard a familiar voice yell. Adam let go of my arm and turned to see Billie Joe who, thankfully, had been waiting for me outside. Adam quickly let go of me, straightened himself out and tried to act like nothing was wrong. "Oh, just taking my girl home. She's a little drunk. You know how it is." He chuckled weakly, trying to joke. I thought quickly, took that opportunity to escape, and ran straight into Billies arms, sobbing. 

"Wait who the fuck are you?! Dylan is this Billie?!" Adam screamed. Billie stepped forward, making sure I was safely behind him before confronting Adam. "Yeah, I'm Billie." he said confidently. "And you don't EVER put your hands on her. Got it?" He said with conviction. Adam's face turned beet red as he got angrier and angrier by the second. "She's a filthy cheating whore!" Adam screamed. "I'll do what I want with her! Dylan, come with me NOW." He finished. "Adam!" I yelled, peaking out from behind Billie. "I haven't been with you in over two years! You're delusional! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I screeched, tears absolutely streaming down my face. "Oh so you're Adam!" Billie said getting visibly angry. "I'll say this one more time and that's it alright? You don't fucking TOUCH Dylan." he said sternly. "Get the fuck away from her, or we're going to have a problem." He continued. Now, I really wished I could have helped, but I was petrified. Adam was much bigger than both Billie and I, and knowing exactly what he was capable of? I was frozen in time, shaking and shivering behind Billie. 

Adam had finally had enough, and tried to charge Past him to get to me, but that wasn't about to happen. Billie flat out decked him in the face before he had the chance to even touch me. And surprisingly, he went crashing down like a big, stupid tree. 

While Adam was down, Billie lead me far enough away, to make sure I was ok. I collapsed on the ground, heaving with tears. He sat down beside me, taking my tiny, trembling frame into his arms. "Shh, it's okay babe. I'm right here." He whispered, holding me tightly and stroking my hair as I sobbed. 

After what could only have been a minute or two, we heard sirens coming up in the distance. Someone inside the theatre must have heard me screaming and called the police. And thank god they did! The only thing on this earth that truly still terrified me was right in front of me, spitting blood out of his mouth, trying to make his way back towards me.

By the grace of god or perfect timing, the cops came charging around the corner before Adam could stumble any further. They restrained and eventually cuffed him, all the while he was throwing an incoherent fit behind gritted teeth. They secured him in the back of the cruiser and waited until I was finally able to speak, and could give a proper statement. I explained to them what happened, and the restraining orders and how he was to be nowhere near me or any of my family or friends. The whole nine. I hoped this time would be the last. I hoped he'd finally leave me alone! I was positive my hopes were in vain, but what was different about that time was I had Billie there to protect me. I finally felt safe.

We watched as Adam was taken away, spitting and screaming. "I WILL SUE YOU LITTLE MAN. YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE DYLAN!" He screamed, making a throat slitting motion as he was driven away, Billie smiling and waving in satisfaction. What's sad was, that wasn't unusual behaviour. Although dramatic, that was Adam's casual Friday and I felt so terrible for bringing Billie into that mess. He didn't deserve to see that! Or to see me absolutely inconsolably crying like a little bitch. I liked to maintain a tough exterior, but when it comes to Adam there was no hiding my vulnerability. 

"I'm so sorry, Billie." I said, weakly beneath tears. He turned to face me, eyes wide. "For what?!" He asked, pulling me into his chest. "For...bringing you into this garbage." I whimpered. I felt him laugh slightly and pull me in tighter. "Dylan I'm always here for you. You don't need to apologize." He reassured me. "I want to keep you safe! I'm so glad I decided to wait by this door and not the other one." He said, kissing my forehead. 

We walked back inside (Billie leading) to find a quiet place where I could collect myself. What astounded me still, was the amount of patience he had for me. All this horse shit, and for some reason he wasn't scared off. Now, I don't know what would have happened to me that night if he weren't there. Maybe I'd be dead! Who knows! But I do know one thing- I know how thankful I was to have him by my side that night, and every other night for that matter. Even though that had been an emotional roller coaster of a day, I was able to find peace and solace in his arms, and I knew everything was going to be okay again.


	14. “Do you mind if I ask?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes. This chapter is super long AND FOR THAT, IM SORRY. It took 73 years to edit so I hope you like it. 
> 
> (Also I saw Green Day like two weeks ago and I'm still freaking out OKAY ENJOY BYE)

January 20th, 10:45 PM:

"What the fuck is this stupid life." I muttered to myself under my breath. "Why can't anything just be normal for once?" In a matter of hours, I'd gotten punched in the face, helped keep someone conscious, made a broadway debut, got a standing ovation, been assaulted by my crazy ex and sat in a now empty theatre, bawling my eyes out in the arms of the person who meant the most to me in the entire world, whom I thought I'd never in a million years even meet. Now THAT doesn't happen to most folks I thought, and surely I'd need therapy of some kind after all was said and done. 

I sat in the corner of my dressing room in Billie's arms, sobbing as he stoked my hair and calmed me down. "Shhh, everything's safe now." He repeated in a whisper, rocking me back and forth. His warm embrace and smooth voice slowed my heart rate immensely. "Here-" he said, standing up and walking over to the flowers strewn across the floor. A messy reminder of Adam that he felt I didn't need to see. He picked them up and tossed them out the door, kicking them down the hallway. He smiled to himself, brushing his hands off as he walked back towards me. I smiled weakly, but was surprised that he didn't return it. Instead, his smile faded as he looked at my arms and battered face. Finally in proper light, he saw the bruises Adam had left, and the shiner on my now swollen nose. 

"Oh my god, Dylan. Look at you!" He said, running over to me and scooping me up in his arms again. "Did he do that to you too?!" He asked, gently touching my nose and growing visibly more angry. I winced slightly in pain, and sighed. "God no. Don't you worry! There's more to this absolute fuckshow!" I wept as I launched into the nearly unbelievable story about Christine. 

Unsurprisingly, he was absolutely shocked. "So let me make sure I've got this straight here." He said, a little louder than before. "You're telling me you got punched in the face, bled everywhere, saved Christine's life, and still went on stage to deliver THAT performance?!" He nearly yelled, eyebrows raised. I nodded, wiping the tears from my eyes. His sudden raise in octave had me slightly concerned that he'd finally had enough of my shit. Hell, I wouldn't believe me! But my panic subsided when he chuckled quietly. "Dylan I can't believe you." He said pulling my head on to his chest. "You just don't fucking get it do you?" He asked. Confused, I looked up at him, hoping for some clarification. "You just...you just don't understand how fucking badass you are. You gotta stop being so humble!" He explained. "This kind of shit doesn't happen to normal people, y'know. Usually if people go through the kind of trauma you have, they give up. But you don't and that's what's crazy about you." He said, making me feel slightly better. "Well I mean, if we all just gave up when things got tough the world would be empty." I said, wiping my eyes. "Shit happens and life goes on. I'm no hero or anything." I shrugged, regaining composure. He stood up and offered me his hand to hoist me to my feet. "What did I just fucking say about being too humble?" He laughed. "You saved someone's life tonight!" He repeated. "You saved Christine's life! She's been nothing but a fucking awful human being to you and you saved her life. Now I don't know what you define as a hero, but that seems pretty fuckin heroic to me." He said folding his arms. I couldn't help the playful smile that began to spread across my face. "You wouldn't accuse Superman of being too humble would you?" I quipped. "Fine. I guess not." He laughed, in defeat. "Exactly. It's just all in a day's work." I said. "She needed help, so I helped her. I wouldn't call it heroic, just human. At the end of the day, we're all here to get through this weird and scary life, and sometimes we need a helping hand." I explained. "Now, if you could be mine right now I'd really appreciate it. Let's get out of here." I said, strutting (well, as much as a person who's limping in pain can strut, I guess) over to the counter and collecting my things. 

I threw my bag over my shoulder and nearly doubled over in pain. Adam had pulled my arms too hard and must have bruised the bone or something. I wasn't sure, but It hurt like a bitch! That much I knew. "Here, dummy." Billie said taking my bag from me. "Thanks." I replied, sheepishly. I didn't like to let on that I was struggling. I very much liked to be self reliant, but this time I had to let Billie help me. There was no way I could have done it on my own, plus I think it made him feel good. I had a tendency to be a little stubborn, and I needed to tone it down a bit. Okay, I needed to tone it down a lot. But who could blame me? I was stuck in the mindset that at the end of the day, the only person I had was myself. But it was time to throw that horse shit away, because I knew that no matter what, Billie would always be there for me. 

It was like the shock of the nights events were wearing off, and my body remembered just how much pain it was in. Thankfully though, Billie was with me every step of the way. He let me lean on him the whole way up the stairs, and even helped me to my car. "You're gonna have to drive." I said, hobbling over to the passenger's side. "No problem." He said opening the door for me. I plopped myself down in the seat and leaned my throbbing head back, my disheveled hair falling into my face. Billie got in the drivers side, put the key in the ignition and started my car. He reached over and got the hair out of my eyes, tucking it behind my ear and gently rubbing the back of my neck as we slowly pulled out of the parking lot and began the drive home. 

We drove the entire way in silence. I could tell Billie was still mad at Adam. He periodically shook his head and bit the inside of his cheek, letting heavy breaths out his nose. He was trying to hold it together for my sake, but I could see that all he wanted to do was scream. I'd never seen him get that protective over me before, let alone that angry. But Billie's the type of person who doesn't stand for anyone he loves getting hurt. He doesn't care what people think of him and isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in, even if it means punching a man nearly twice his size in the face. 

We pulled in to the driveway after what was an all too short drive. Honestly, all I wanted to do was keep sitting after the night I'd had, but according to Billie I couldn't just live in the car for the rest of my life, so he opened my door for me, lifted me out (with some slight protest and moaning on my part) and helped me up the four flights of stairs. He even unlocked the door for me, took my coat and helped me to the couch. 

"Billie I'm fine. I can walk, I just didn't want to." I chuckled. "I don't want to take any chances! Just humour me, okay?" He scolded. I was still a bit shaken, so maybe letting him help was just what I needed. Feeling uneasy, I looked over at the door that was still unlocked. "Hey uh, can you put all the locks on the door? Even the chain one?" I asked, stroking Brad who had jumped on my lap. "I know he's with police now, but he makes me so paranoid." I confessed. "Oh my god, of course!" Billie said, jumping up and sliding the locks and deadbolts shut. 

I turned on some soft music (High Winds, White Sky by Bruce Cockburn for those curious) to calm myself down. Billie sat down with me, covering both of us with a blanket and taking me into his arms. This time, holding me slightly tighter than he had before. 

We sat quietly, listening to the music. My eyes closed and my heart rate slowed as Billie gently stroked my arm. But after a minute or two, he let out a heavy sigh. "So..." He started "That's Adam." he said, almost deadpanned. "Yeah. That's Adam." I sighed, looking up into his eyes. "Do you...do you mind if I ask?" He said quietly. I thought for a minute, but it seemed like a no brainer. It was time. He deserved to know the whole story. "Alright, get comfy. It's a bit of a long one." I said, closing my eyes and thinking back to my first year in New York City.

"So I had just moved to the city, I knew Rachel and that was it. We were out at some club she insisted I go to one night because she wanted me to meet someone. I'm not sure why she invests so much energy into whether I'm single or not, but she does. So anyway, we went out, she went to the bathroom leaving me alone at the bar, and that's when I met Adam." I explained. "He seemed nice in that moment. Hindsight's 20/20 though. I'm sure there were red flags left right and centre, but he seemed charming so I gave him my number and that was that. The next day, he started texting me and long story short we ended up dating." I looked up to see Billie listening intently and looking right into my eyes. I don't know why, but I half expected him to not be listening at all. I really thought that one more unbelievable saga would make him completely lose interest or even doubt my truthfulness. But sure enough, his beautiful green eyes stared back as he focussed only on me. 

"So even though I didn't see them at first, I noticed red flags starting to appear very quickly for someone who saw life through rose coloured glasses." I could feel myself growing more and more anxious, but Billie took my hands in his, and smiled a soft, sweet smile. "It's alright, baby. I'm right here, okay?" He said, stroking my hands with his thumbs as I'm sure he could feel me begin to tremble. I looked down and sighed, continuing my story. 

"Within the first few months of us dating, I got a space at the auto shop and started hanging out with Brian more. I was over the moon that I managed to make a new friend, but that's when I noticed Adam asking to see my phone more. More being the key word here, Billie. I thought it was normal for your partner to have unquestioned access to your phone. I just blindly trusted folks like the small town idiot I was." I said, shaking my head. "I wasn't allowed to have a passcode on it or anything either! Just so he could keep tabs! Now, knowing what I do now, I would have gotten the fuck out right then and there. But since my mother had already abandoned me, I was afraid of losing the one person who told me they loved me. I thought him being protective was how people showed love in relationships. I was young and didn't know any better. God I'm so fucking stupid." I looked down in embarrassment, my knee beginning to bounce with nerves. This was an extremely painful memory to have to relive. I didnt want to, but I knew that after I did, there was nothing else to keep under wraps. 

"Dylan, It's ok. You're doing awesome, beautiful." he whispered, squeezing my hands tighter. "So after that, it got way more ridiculous." I continued, almost choking up. "That was when he started putting crazy restrictions on me. I wasn't allowed to see any of my family, friends or even Rachel who he had known since the night we'd met. Every time I 'stepped out of line' as he called it, he would 'correct me'." I said, shame filling my entire being. 

Billie furrowed his brow in complete disgust. "Correct you!?" He asked angrily. "That's what he called it. He would do anything from break my things, spit in my face, slap me around, the works. All to teach me to behave." I could feel tears forming in my eyes having to explain this, but I breathed through them, swallowing my pride. 

"So like I said, I wasn't even allowed to see my family, but I would still secretly Skype Johnny every single week. I didn't care, there was no way I wasn't seeing him." A tear escaped my eye, but I wiped it away, hopefully before Billie could see. "I also had to make sure to cover the black eyes that I had nearly every week so he wouldn't ask. See, Johnny's a really blunt kind of guy so I was sure he'd say something to dad and Nancy if he saw." I admitted quietly. "Eventually, the emotional and physical abuse got so bad that I had to get out. The main reason was that my family and friends were starting to notice a difference in me. It was getting harder and harder to cover up, and that's when I'd finally had enough." 

I felt so embarrassed telling Billie about my past, idiotic self. My stories must have seemed completely outrageous, but just like his music got me through my darkest moments, he was right there for me once again. He passed no judgement, only offering an ear to listen. 

"Brian and Rachel helped me pack my things while Adam was out on a bender, and got me out that night. I stayed in hiding at Rachel's until I could file a restraining order and find a new apartment. I even signed my lease in a pseudonym and took my name out of the phone book to avoid Adam finding out where I was." I sighed. "Now here's where it gets hairy." I said. "Are you sure you want me to tell you?" I asked, just double checking before I continued. Billie looked both hurt and angry hearing all this, but he reacted only with compassion. "Of course Dylan." he said softly. "You can tell me absolutely anything. I love you so much." he gushed, making me turn 85 shades of red. 

"Okay, so I'd been living on my own in a cute little apartment for five or six months at the time. I had gotten my life back and I was over the moon. That's when I had dyed my hair blonde, actually. I did it so Adam wouldn't recognize me on the steeet if he saw me, but it quickly became part of my personality. My dad was even planning a trip with Johnny to come visit me for the first time in a year and a half. Adam wouldn't let them before! He didn't like me having any outside influence or knowing anyone but him loved me, so naturally I was excited." Tears began filling my eyes again. This time, more than I could control. 

"I was in bed early that one particular night. I had to work for Brian in the morning, and Rachel was supposed to pick up dad and Johnny from the airport while I was there. I told Johnny I'd Skype him one last time that night. He was excited to see me and wanted to show me the new luggage he'd gotten. It had the ninja turtles on it so he was justifiably excited. So I sat in bed with my computer open, loading skype." Weirdly enough, I was smiling through my watery eyes thinking about Johnny and his youthful outlook on everything. 

My hands began to shake again and my palms grew sweaty just thinking about what I had to say next. But I took a deep breath and eased into it. "So...I was loading skype and I suddenly heard my door knob jiggle." Billie's eyes widened and his hand covered his mouth. "No...." he said in disbelief. I nodded, tears falling down my cheeks. "I got out of bed quietly, and walked towards the door. Then, the locks burst open and in storms Adam. He slammed the door behind him and grabbed me by my throat, throwing me to the ground. I managed to wiggle out and run toward the fire escape, but unfortunately I'm tiny. So he came up behind me and threw me on my couch." I spat out, fully shaking in absolute anxiety. 

"Through my heavy breathing, I could hear skype ringing in the bedroom. Johnny was trying to call, and obviously that made Adam even more angry. So angry that he pinned me down, and tried to choke me out. But when I put up a fight? He realized it wasn't going to be as easy as it was for him in the past, and had finally had enough." 

Billie turned to face me so his eyes could meet mine. He stroked my arms and wiped my tears that had become uncontrollable. "What happened next?" He asked quietly. I was silent for a moment, thinking. This was the first time outside of therapy that I'd ever told anyone exactly what happened. "Billie...promise you won't think I'm crazy, or lying or something okay? Promise me that?" I said, quietly sobbing. "Adam pulled out his pocket knife and tried to slit my throat." 

Upon hearing that, Billie quickly pulled me as close to him as he could, and I wept into his shoulder. "Shhhh, it's okay. Let it all out, sweetie. I'm so proud of you okay?" He whispered, rubbing my back. Safely in his arms, I was able to catch my breath finally. I was so relieved that he reacted so well! I was sure this was going to be the straw that broke the camel's back, but instead I was beginning to feel that it brought us closer than ever before. 

"Thankfully..." I started. "If there is a thankfully, it only cut deeply in one spot, and narrowly missed my jugular." I said, wiping my eyes and sitting up. "After that, I fell off the couch and hit my head on the coffee table, and I could feel myself blacking out. As my consciousness slowly slipped away, all I could hear was the skype ringtone, and all I could think of was how I couldn't tell Johnny how much I loved him one more time. I was certain I was going to die right there on the floor. You know, there's only so many times one person can cheat death." 

Billie was quiet. I assumed he was taking it all in. I could see tears in his eyes, but at the same time, pure and utter hatred for Adam. "So the next morning, my dad was understandably worried. Johnny told him I didn't answer my skype, and that wasn't like me. So it sort of caused a bit of panic. When Rachel went to get them from the airport, dad told her that he hadn't heard from me too. Rachel called Brian, assuming I maybe fell asleep the night before or went into work early that morning or something. But when Brian told them I wasn't there, that's when they started to really worry." 

"Luckily for me, Rachel had a key and they all ran up to my place as fast as they could. The door was slightly ajar and they came in to find me on the floor, nearly bled out." Billie was shaking with anger, looking down and running his fingers through his hair. "Whoa, you ok?" I asked. "Yeah." he said quietly. "Just hard to picture you like that, Y'know. Hard to think someone would do that to you. I wanna kick this guys ass right now! Fuck this piece of shit." he snapped as a tear slipped down his cheek.  
I'll admit, I wasn't expecting such a passionate reaction. In a way, it really confirmed just how much he cared, and reminded me why I'd fallen in love with him in the first place. 

"So they called an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital. The doctors said I was extremely lucky to have survived, and to be honest I have no idea how I did! There's no way in fucking hell this was real. As if I fucking cheated death twice! I don't deserve to be alive." I confessed. As dark as that sounded, it was the truth. Death had come knocking twice, and somehow I'd avoided it. Me! Dylan The Unremarkable. 

"Don't say that. Don't you ever fucking say that." Billie snapped. "I love you  
more than anything on this fucking planet. You deserve to be alive, you deserve the entire world, okay?! Please don't say that." He begged. "Come here." He continued, pulling me on to his lap and hugging me tightly. I buried my head in the crook of his neck, and wept as his words played over in my head. Eventually, I collected myself as best as I could, and put an end to the story. 

"So I was in an induced coma for two weeks after that, as they tried to fix the damage that was done. Now, I don't remember any of that. But I do remember having all kinds of crazy dreams! Mostly about my past. About Kyle, about the shooting, you name it. Nothing can really prepare a guy for how fucked up being in a coma is." I chuckled. "So when I was woken up, naturally I was screaming bloody murder. But I was alive! And that's what's important I guess." I shrugged. "Since then, I've tried to live my life in the fullest way, even when things seem bleak and all I want to do is quit. Because I believe I was given a second chance for a reason. Haven't found it yet I don't think, but I'm sure it's out there." And with that, it was all out. 

In a weird way, telling Billie all that was a weight off my shoulders. I felt so vulnerable, but so relieved at the same  
time. He now knew every last thing about why I'm so broken, and he hadn't run for the hills! I wiped the last few tears from my  
cheek, and smiled up at him. 

So...to wrap it up I guess, that explains my choker." I said, tugging at the tight velvet band around my neck. He raised his eyebrows, knowing what this meant to me. It was the hardest thing I'd had to do in a long time, and he knew that. He knew I'd been avoiding it since I met him. Nobody except my family, Rachel and Brian knew why I wore it. And that was it! Him seeing what laid beneath was he one thing I feared since we started hanging out. It was the last elephant in the room. In the beginning, I was so afraid I'd drive him away, or that he wouldn't believe me when I told him everything. But instead, he sat there, laughing with me, crying with me and letting me know just how valuable my life was. So I just sort of, spat the rest out. 

"I wear this stupid thing to cover the scar on my throat." I said, pointing to my choker. His eyes widened slightly, as he ran his thumb over the velvet. "Dylan I didn't expect that." He said quietly. I nodded in agreement. "Nobody could have expected that. Fuck, Billie I'm sorry. for all this." I said crying again. I felt horrible for causing any worry, or making him uncomfortable in any way. The last thing I wanted was for him to worry about me because in my mind, I could hold my own. The idea of someone else worrying about me, gave me anxiety if I'll be honest. 

"Sorry?! Okay, Dylan. Listen to me alright? I know you're Canadian but please, PLEASE stop apologizing!" He interjected, playing with my hair. "As usual, you have nothing to fucking apologize for. This actually makes me feel closer to you!" He assured me. "Promise me, promise me you'll stop apologizing for things you can't control, okay?" He said, holding the sides of my face. He looked into my eyes and smiled. At that moment, my heart was so full it could have burst. Every irrational fear I had of him rejecting me had dissolved, and I was finally authentically myself. 

I sat on his lap as he rubbed my back, resting his head on my shoulder. Nothing even needed to be said in that moment. The night had fallen silent, and all we could hear was the occasional bus making it's way through the snowy streets. As we sat, simply enjoying each other's company, his hands moved up to my neck and his eyes moved down to my choker. 

My heart beat faster as he tentitively reached his hands up, and searched for the clasp. "C-can I?" He asked quietly, our foreheads touching. I gulped out of nervousness and nodded timidly. He slowly undid the clasp and removed the choker to reveal the scar beneath. And that right there, was the first time anyone had seen it since the morning I was found unconscious on my floor. 

He tossed the choker on the floor beside him, leaned in and whispered in my ear. "I love every single inch of you." He said, before tangling his fingers in the back of my hair, moving down and gently kissing my scar. "I love you too." I whispered back, as his kiss sent shivers throughout my body. He stopped kissing my neck, and his eyes met mine. "Fuck it, I'm ready." I blurted out. "I'm ready to be your girlfriend, Billie." His eyes lit up, and his lips turned up into a smile. "What? Really?" He asked almost excitedly, clasping his hands behind my neck. 

I'm not sure what came over me, but in that moment I poured my entire heart out. I had already told him everything else and hey, go big or go home right? It honestly felt so refreshing to get all of this shit off my chest. I guess it felt like once it was all out, I could really live again. I could let myself be happy, I could feel love and experience true emotion. And knowing that the most amazing person I'd ever known would be right by my side even if things got rough again, made me feel better than I ever had. Ever. 

"I love you, Billie Joe." I sniffled, through tears of joy. " I love you more than you'll ever know, actually! I overheard you telling the guys how much it hurt you that I wouldn't just say we're together. And for that I'm so so so sorry." I said, holding the sides of his face. "The only reason I wasn't screaming it from the rooftops like I wanted to was because I was scared to let someone get close to me after what happened with Adam. But I trust you! I always have! Ever since I was just a regular fan and had posters of you on my stupid walls!" I laughed, for the first time actually admitting just how much of a fan I was. He stared at me, his big, green eyes twinkling in the dim lighting, and grinning from ear to ear. 

"You got me through the toughest parts of my life! When I had nobody else, your music helped me feel less alone. How much you overcame adversity inspired ME to continue to live my life, despite how much I wished I could have died in the cafeteria with Kyle. And now? Now, I'm the luckiest bitch in the entire universe because you're right here, beside me. Challenging me to become the best version of myself I could ever be, and to hold me when I feel shitty and...I just can't even begin to tell you just how much you mean to me, Billie." My words poured out of my mouth like a flood gate had just been opened. "Today, when people asked who the flowers were from, I told them they were from my amazing boyfriend. And it felt so right! I can't keep it in anymore! I love you Billie Joe Armstrong." I said, tears now streaming down my face once more. But this time, definitely not tears of sadness. 

He looked up at the ceiling, sighed and smiled. "God, Dylan you have no idea how happy you just made me." he said in relief. "I was so scared that you didnt feel the same way I did. I was so fucking worried that I scared you off or came on too strong or something, y'know." He said, bashfully. I smiled and shook my head. "I always loved you, Billie. I just didn't wanna jinx it. Or admit it I guess for that matter, since I figured you're way too far out of my league." I admitted. "Out of YOUR league!?" He laughed. "Yeah? What's so funny?" I asked. "Oh, nothing. Just that THAT couldn't be more bullshit." He snickered. "I knew I loved you the minute I saw you in the garage, you know that! But the reason I waited so long to tell you how I felt, was because I thought YOU were way too good for me. Shit, You are way too good for me, but Mike gave me a little pep talk so I told you." He explained. I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. The person who I held in the highest regard thought plain, small, insignificant me was out of his league. Smiling, I ran my fingers behind his neck and into his thick, fluffy hair. "I'm glad he did." I whispered as I pulled him closer, and kissed him again. 

Slowly, he moved down to my neck, softly kissing my scar. Now, I won't lie to you- it felt incredible. I hadn't let anyone come that close to my neck since the incident. Every time someone tried...shit, I'm making it seem like tons of people were like, lined up to suck my neck. No, the two times total someone tried, I denied them completely. There was no way I was going to let anyone come that close when I wasn't even comfortable being seen in public without my choker. But with Billie? It was different. He made me feel so loved and so comfortable. 

As he kissed my neck, his hands explored the rest of my body. Gently and tentatively, mind you. I think he was still worried he'd take it too far. With one hand on the small of my back pulling our bodies closer, he held the back of my head with the other, and nibbled gently at my neck. And holy shit- I couldn't help it. A small moan of pleasure fell out of my mouth. However, I was only embarrassed for a second, until I felt his lips turn into a coy smile on my neck. 

"So...you don't mind my scars?" I whispered sheepishly. He looked up at me and smiled. "I love you no matter what. Those tiny scars are badges of honour and somehow that makes you even more beautiful to me! You're so...different. In a good way, y'know? I love that about you." He said softly as he ran his thumb over my scar. I smiled and shook my head. "Why are you so good to me, Big Shoots?" I asked almost in disbelief. He tucked my hair behind my ear and took my hands in his. "Because you deserve to be treated the way you make other people feel. You're so good to everyone, and you never expect anything in return. I wanna make sure you know how much I appreciate you." He said, leaning in to kiss me one more time. And it was true! He made me feel like I was on top of the world. He made me feel beautiful! But it wasn't just skin deep either, he made me feel loved and appreciated in a way nobody had ever done. 

Without a word, I got off his lap, took his hand and lead him into the bedroom. I shut the door behind us and guided him over to the bed. We laid down, cuddling on top of the sheets and before I had even realized it, Billie had climbed on top of me and we were kissing passionately, exploring each others bodies with our hands.

"Billie, wait." I said breathlessly, breaking the kiss. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry Dylan!" He said frantically. "I-I didn't mean to take it too far!" He stuttered. I giggled and ran my hands along his arms. "Babe, no. It's not that." I said tracing the outline of his tattoos with my finger. "But I just realized something." I started. "I realized that we haven't even been on a proper date yet. I'm a classy lady, you know." I winked and bit my bottom lip. "Well I don't know about classy..." he joked "Hey! I'll have you know I've been to at least one tea party!" I protested, playfully hitting his chest. "Well classy or not, you're still my girl and I wouldn't have you any other way." He said "And just you wait! I'll take you on the best date you've ever fucking been on. Tomorrow- 7:30." He said, matter of factly. I laughed and rolled my eyes, entwining my fingers behind his neck, pulling his face close to mine. "I'll hold you to that, mister." I whispered, placing a tender kiss on his lips.

"God, it's so nice not having to wear that stupid choker around you anymore." I said, getting up to go get ready for bed. As I washed my face, Billie came up to me and wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder. "I honestly don't see what you were so worried about." He remarked, leaning back slightly and getting a look at the scar in brighter light. "Really?" I asked, craning my neck and feeling the scar tissue. I guess when we have flaws, we tend to see them so much worse than they actually are. To Billie, all he saw was me. And for some reason he loved me. He loved me just as I was: no makeup, no choker, nothing. Don't get me wrong, not wearing it was going to take some getting used to, but for Billie? I'd try anything once. 

When I got back to the bedroom, I crawled into bed where Billie waited with open arms. "Hey, gorgeous." He said softly at the sight of me in my ridiculous, oversized t shirt. "Oh don't lie." I quipped, blushing aggressively. "I mean it. Look at you!" He said, crawling over to my side of the bed and pulling me down with him. I giggled as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close like he had done before, but this time was different. This time, he was my boyfriend. Billie Joe Armstrong was MY boyfriend. His arms pulling me tightly in a warm, protective embrace, complete and sheer bliss enveloped my body. And for once, I had absolutely nothing to worry about.


	15. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

January 21st, 8:36 AM:

This was one of those mornings where you wake up just before your alarm. To me, they were welcomed with open arms. My body clock was far less jarring than being woken up by a shrill beep. After rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I rolled over expecting to find Billie but instead, I was greeted by a nosy cat who had absolutely no sense of personal space. 

"Take 'er easy there, bud." I said to Brad as he tried to put his entire face in my mouth. "I wish you weren't so fuckin awkward." I said, sitting up and looking around the room. "Billie??" I called, but there was no answer. Not from Billie anyway. Brad meowed back but that didn't help me much, so I threw the blankets off and went to check the rest of the apartment. 

I walked down the tiny hallway, Brad trotting along beside me like a fat, grey and white Scooby Doo as we searched for clues. Sure enough, there was still no sign of Billie at all. I'll admit I found it odd. It's not exactly easy to lose stuff in an apartment so small, let alone misplacing an entire person. 

We made our way into the kitchen where I found a bouquet of tulips, a muffin and a cup of coffee waiting for me on the counter. Beside it, was a note in Billie's handwriting. "Morning, beautiful! I wanted to get a head start on getting shit ready for our date tonight. I'll see you after work! - Love Billie." It said. "Goddamnit, Brad. What did I do to get this lucky??" I said, taking my breakfast to the coffee table. "Wonder what he has planned....shit what do I even wear?" I thought out loud. This whole idea of a proper date was exciting to me. I'd never been on one, really. Let alone one I was actually looking forward to. 

After breakfast, I did my best to clean my ragged self into something half presentable and stood looking in the mirror. I was staring at the scar on my neck, choker in hand, debating whether or not to wear it. It had become such a part of me that it almost felt like I was leaving the house forgetting my keys or something. But more importantly, I wanted so badly to cover my scar. I thought I would be disappointing Billie if I did, but at the same time I felt like not wearing it invited too many questions that I wasn't ready to answer. After some mental debate, I decided I'd throw it in my bag and see how I felt. It was surely going to feel foreign to not be wearing it outside. Lucky for me it was still cold out and therefore scarf weather, but deep down I was ready to move on. Or at least try to. 

I drove down to the theatre and sat in my car for a while, thinking. Well, mostly listening to the rest of Young Americans which had come on the radio just as I was pulling in, but also thinking. I held my choker in my hand and sighed. As I saw the cast slowly trickling in, I chickened out. I couldn't do it! I couldn't bring myself to go out there without it covered. Not by myself, anyway. I sighed and put the stupid thing back on, adjusting it in the rear view mirror. And for the first time since I'd started wearing it, it felt tight and uncomfortable. As if it wasn't supposed to be there. I should have probably taken that as a sign, but my nerves got the best of me once more. 

I went into the theatre, got in costume and put on the ascot I'd become accustomed to. I sat in the makeup chair waiting for Naomi and staring at myself with pure disgust. The day before I had felt so confident, so beautiful! Even though I had, what in my mind was a hideous mark on my neck, Billie had made me feel a way I'd never felt before. In his eyes, I was perfect! So why was I doubting that? He's the one person who I'd always trusted so why couldn't I trust him on this? Now, I could have sat there and stewed about it until I was blue in the goddamn face, but I had a show to do and if I was about to disappoint Billie by covering my neck, I would at least give a performance he could be proud of. 

So despite the sudden and crippling wave of self doubt, I got up on stage and looked out into the crowd. Just like that, my eyes met Billie's. He wasn't lying when he said he'd be there, front row, at every single show. I was so happy to see him, but I couldn't help but think about how much I'd let him down. Although, even if he was disappointed, he didn't show it. He looked just as proud as he was on the first night, smiling up at me and making me feel like I was singing just for him. 

After what I deemed in the grand scheme of things to be a mediocre performance, I finished the show, left the stage and slowly walked downstairs, trying my hardest to postpone the inevitable questions Billie would have for me. However, when I stopped moping around in self pity and remembered our date tonight, a spring came back into my step. 

"Amazing as always, babe." Billie said, greeting me in front of my dressing room with a giant hug. "Your taste must be questionable, or you're blind or something." I sighed. "That was trash." I said, shaking my head at my own damn preoccupied mind that caused a less than desirable performance. Billie rolled his eyes, and placed his hand gently on my back. "I'm not even gonna touch that one. You know how wrong you are." He laughed. A smirk at my own humility crept across my face. "So where ya taking me tonight, lover?" I asked, winking. He took my hand in his and leaned in as if he were about to tell me a secret. "It's a secret." he whispered. I groaned as if it annoyed me, but I couldn't have been more excited. 

We went into my dressing room, and changed back into my street clothes. As much as I loved poodle skirts and those tight pants I wore at the end that made my butt look great, they were all so hot and cumbersome. No idea how folks wore that much polyester back in the 50's, but I digress. I ripped off my ascot as quickly as I could. After feeling what it was like to not wear anything there, wearing that nearly made me break out in hives. After scratching my neck furiously, I pulled my choker out of my bag and had started to put it on, when I was interrupted by Billie. 

He came up behind me and gently wrapped his arms around my waist. "You don't need to wear that, y'know." He said softly. "I saw you wearing that scarf tonight and it made me a little sad." he said, nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck. "I know, Billie. It's just hard to get used to." I sighed. "It was hard to do by myself". He smiled and took the choker from me. "Well you aren't by yourself right now. I'll always support you." He said putting it in his pocket. I smiled and turned towards him. "But what if we run into some of the cast on the way out?" I asked. "I bet you $100 that they don't even notice." he said kissing my forehead. And me being as competitive as I am, wasn't about to turn down a bet. 

Now of course being my luck, as soon as we left the dressing room and went upstairs, we ran into Greg and Sara. "Night guys!" Greg said, cheerfully. But as cheerful as he sounded, he looked at me slightly confused, trying to figure out what was different. "Wait!" Sara chimed in as she realized what it was. "You aren't wearing your signature choker!" She said, excitedly. "That's what's different!" Greg said, pointing a finger to the sky in realization. My heart sank into my stomach and I held Billie's hand tighter as I waited for the inevitable. But instead, they looked at me with warm, genuine smiles. "You look awesome!" Sara said "Yeah I love this new look! Is that a new jacket?" Greg followed, remarking on what was indeed, a new jacket. 

I was astonished. It took all my self control to not drop my jaw and ask them "WHAT ABOUT THIS FUCKING NASTY SCAR?!" But not only had they not even noticed it, but they liked the way I looked. "Wow! Thanks!" I said excitedly, looking down at my leather jacket. "Honestly, that means a lot." I said. "Night you guys." I finished, smiling as Billie and I walked out the door.

"See?" He said, smugly. "I told you nobody would even notice." I rolled my eyes, not wanting to admit I'd lost a bet. "I guess you're right." I said stubbornly, stoping and folding my arms. "Don't be a sore loser, Dylan." He sighed, picking me up and throwing me over his shoulder. "Just admit I was right and that you're gorgeous." He jeered, tickling my sides. "Okay, Fine! You win! Put me down!" I spat out between uncontrolled laughter. "Good. Now let's go!" He said putting me down, taking my hand and jogging towards the car. And in that moment, I felt cool air on my neck for the first time in years. And I tell you what, It was both terrifying and liberating all at once. 

We drove back to my apartment and Billie continued on without me, dropping me off so I could get changed. He said he still had some work to do on our date and that he'd be back shortly. Now, usually I'm pretty good at figuring out secrets and surprises. Was I psychic? Who knows. I had a talent for guessing games, but I had absolutely no idea what he had planned. He'd kept me guessing all day, not offering any hints. Hell, he didn't even tell me how to dress. 

I was standing, hands on my hips, staring blankly into my closet. "This would be so much easier if I didn't wear mostly black." I said to Brad. "All these clothes seem to blend in with each other. I don't even know if I own any heels anymore." I sighed, scratching my head. Brad meowed as if annoyed and offended as he walked out of my room. "What do you know anyway? Do cats even see colour?" I yelled after him. 

After trying on upwords of 7 outfits, I broke down and called Rachel. "Hey. Come help me with something." I said when she picked up. I promptly hung up before she had time to answer, to avoid any protest. Fortunately, she lived no more than 3 subway stops from me and after a few minutes, she showed up and asked me what the deal was. 

"Can you help me find something to wear for this...event I have tonight?" I lied slightly. As you know, Rachel gets carried away when it comes to my love life. I didn't have time for the third degree, so in that particular moment, the less she knew the better. I could save the anecdotes for another day. 

"Well what's the dress code?" She asked, scratching her chin as she looked in my black hole of a closet. "Uh..semi formal?" I blindly assumed. "Dylan you're not giving me much to work with here." She sighed, diving into the abyss. "I was thinking of wearing one of these..." I said hesitantly, pointing to the clothes I had laid out on the bed. "Don't be stupid, Dyl." She replied, head buried in sweaters. "Do you have anything else? Anything sexier?" She asked, emerging from the depths. I thought for a moment, then it hit me. "Well....I do have one thing." I said as I pushed past her and began digging. I decided to go out on a limb and break out of my comfort zone completely. My choker was off, and now it was time for my pants. So I dug to the back of my closet, trying to find the only dress I owned. Well, excluding tutus. But I can't very well wear a tutu on a date. 

I bought the dress when I had finally taken my life back from Adam. I had just dyed my hair blonde and I was excited to become the new, sexy version of myself. But then the incident happened and I never got a chance to wear it. I lost all my confidence completely, and the dress got lost behind sweaters and boxes of pointe shoes. But lo and behold, lying on the ground beneath a pair of skates and a Brooks and Dunn T-shirt, was the jackpot. 

"Eureka!" I said in a strained voice as I yanked the short, form fitting, long sleeved black dress, and a cute pair of heels out of the closet. "Well I'll have to say I'm impressed." Rachel laughed. "I didn't even think you owned -A- dress, let alone one so cute." She said, taking the dress from me and holding it out so she could see. "Thanks. I'm glad you have so little faith in me." I chuckled, rolling my eyes. "It's not a bad thing, stupid! You dress amazingly, you just never wear skirts is all." She said. I'll be honest, I was taken aback by the sincerity she showed, but appreciative none the less. I guess she wasn't wrong either. Truthfully, I NEVER wore dresses. They're fucking impractical for someone who was either covered in grease and oil, or in dance clothes 24/7. But everyone needs to spice it up a bit from time to time. 

"Jesus, Dylan. What are you, fucking Henry Wrinkler? Give it to me." Rachel butted in as I tried to put the dress on. "What's wrong with it?" I asked. "Look at how wrinkled it is!" She laughed, storming off into the living room to steam it as best she could. While she was fiddling with that, I took the opportunity to finish doing my hair and makeup to the best of my ability. 

I decided to put more effort into my look this time. More than my usual powder, lipstick and mascara. I'll be honest, I'm not sure why I bothered. I have zero talent when it comes to makeup, and pretty clear skin as it was. I swear I spent 45 god damn minutes alone trying to figure out winged fucking eyeliner. And I'm positive that they still didn't match! No doubt about that! But I figured mascara would fix it...enough. 

After putting on an inoffensive nude lipstick, I backed up to get a better look at my overall creation. All in all? Not bad! A real solid medium. I'll admit I was a little worried Billie wouldn't like It, but hopefully he'd appreciate the effort. 

"Whelp. This is as good as it gets." I said to Rachel, staring at myself in the full length mirror. It was weird seeing myself all dressed up, I won't lie. "I clean up alright, eh?" I said, turning to see how good my butt looked in that dress. "You look hot! If I didn't know you I'd sleep with you." Rachel remarked, standing behind me with her arms folded. "You think so?" I asked skeptically. I was beyond nervous, in fact I was already sweating my makeup off in anxiety.

"What even is this event?" Rachel asked. Thinking quickly, I blurted out "Uh, cast party?" As to not lead her on. "Jeez, what are you even worried about then? It's only a cast party." She laughed. "You'd think you have a date or something you're so fucking nervous." She added, making her way to the door. "Thanks for your help!" I called after her. "Have fun. Don't be weird." She said, shutting the door behind her. 

I paced around the apartment, mumbling to Brad about how nervous I was. After biting the inside of my cheek so hard it bled, I figured a shot of bourbon was in order to calm the nerves. Shakily, I opened the bottle and poured a shot into my souvenir Niagara Falls shot glass, and as soon as the glass touched my lips, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard a knock on my door. 

I downed the shot quickly for some liquid courage and Brad and I ran over to answer it. I checked my teeth for lipstick in the mirror I kept next to the door, straightened out my dress and slowly turned the knob. 

There was Billie, leaning against the door frame. He had his coat draped over one arm, and in his other hand he held a bouquet of peach coloured peonies. I'll tell ya, he looked absolutely stunning. His usual sneakers replaced with black velvet creepers, a simple vest covering a black button up shirt, of which he'd rolled the sleeves up to his elbows. His tousled hair ever so slightly falling onto his forehead, the little smirk I'd come to know so well across his face, and the ever present twinkle in his huge green eyes sent my heart through hoops. 

As he looked me up and down, his relaxed demeanour quickly faded, and his casual, gentle smile turned into a look of shock. I swear, it was as if his eyes popped out of his head as he, took in all of my efforts. But after a few seconds of silence, I cleared my throat to bring his eyes from my legs, back to my face. 

"Everything alright?" I asked. "Hm? Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine." He said frantically, handing me the bouquet. I smiled from ear to ear looking at the flowers, most of whom hadn't bloomed yet, which just so happens to be the perfect time to bring peonies inside. "How...how did you know I loved peonies?" I asked quietly, taken aback at what a kind gesture it was. I was sure I'd never told him that they were my favourite flower. Let alone how much significance they had to me. "Well...There's one on your ankle so, y'know, I figured." He said, pointing at the tattoo that covered my gunshot scar. I felt a blush slowly creep across my cheeks. I know it was small, but a gesture like that was seriously so thoughtful. More thoughtful than I think he knew. 

"So...Do you wanna come in? Or?" I asked, still unsure of what he had planned. "Well why don't you put those in some water, and we'll go." he said, picking up Brad who was excitedly rubbing up against his leg. Meanwhile, I rooted around in the cupboards for a vase big enough to house the peonies. 

The entire time I was fiddling around with the flowers, I could feel a set of eyes on me. I figured Brad was begging for more food as per usual, but as it turns out, Billie was watching my every move. 

"What's up? Something on my dress?" I asked, assuming I'd spilled already. He shook his head, smiled and bit his bottom lip. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't stare. But I just...I've never seen you like this." he said gesturing to my body. Normally, I'm flat as a board. 24 years of ballet will do that to you, but I guess the little cleavage I was able to fake really worked. 

Feeling confident, I walked towards him, running my hand up his arm. My heels brought me almost up to his eye level, so I entwined my fingers in his, leaned in and whispered "you haven't seen me in a lotta ways yet." His eyes widened as I smiled a mischievous smile, grabbed his hand and strutted out the door. 

"Okay, are you ready?" He asked once we got out the front door. "As I'll ever be!" I said cheerfully. "Good." He said, taking the black and white polka dot handkerchief out of his back pocket, and began wrapping it around my head to cover my eyes. "Whoa hey there, Big Shoots! At least buy me dinner before you tie me up!" I joked. "What kind of weird sex party are you taking me to?" He laughed and took my hand as we began to walk to...wherever. "Wait you didn't say yes or no! Is it a sex party?!" I shrieked. He stroked my hand, chuckled and simply said: "it's a surprise."


	16. “So are you gonna kiss me or what?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!  
> Sorry this chapter took forever. It’s basically two chapters in one so it took me 87 years to edit. 
> 
> Also as a heads up, this chapter contains smut. I’ve marked where it begins and ends with asterisks so if you’re not here for that you can skip it. It doesn’t effect the flow of the story much if you do! 
> 
> Enjoy! ;)

January 21st, 7:30 PM: 

"Alright, cut the shit. Where are you taking me?!" I whined. "We’re almost there, relax!" Billie said. “You’re going to have to trust me when I say that being blindfolded and lead to a mystery location isn’t exactly relaxing.” I sneered. Still, he offered no explanation and just kept leading the way. 

"Okay!" He said excitedly. "We're here!" He announced, removing the blindfold. I kept my eyes closed underneath the bandanna to further the surprise, but when I eagerly opened them, we were in front of my studio. 

"....You took me to work?" I asked. I’ll admit I was more lost than I was moments before. "Just wait." He said smiling, taking my hand and leading me inside. 

My heart beat faster as we walked up the stairs towards the studio. Noticing the twinkle in his eyes, I figured he had something remarkable up his sleeve. An anticipatory smile began to spread across my face as he stepped in front of me and revealed to me what he had been working on. 

My studio was completely transformed. He had lit what looked to be at least fifty candles, a fire hazard I could overlook. Bouquets of the same peonies as he brought to my apartment were set around the room, nearly bringing me to tears with sentiment. A strategically placed guitar sat between two chairs by the window, out of which snow was gently falling from the sky. An unplanned, but perfect touch. 

I couldn’t believe what he’d done. It was as though he reached into my brain, plucked my perfect idea of a date out, and made it a reality. It was simple, understated and personal. He knew I hated being the centre of attention, so spending one on one time with him was exactly what I had hoped for. No fanfare, no extravagance, just the two of us. 

My eyes widened, and quickly welled up. I wiped the tears carefully as to not ruin my makeup and slowly walked in further, taking everything in. “You didn't have to do this." I said quietly. "Stop, you deserve this, and so much more." He said following me. "You like it?" He asked nervously. "Like it? Billie, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." I said, turning to face him, hands on the sides of my face. "I...I don’t know what to say! I don’t deserve this!” I stammered, eyes darting around the room. “Dylan, for one second please stop putting yourself down ok?” He pleaded. “I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to say you’re amazing before you actually start to fucking believe it.” He laughed, taking my hands from beside my face. “Let me spoil you for one fucking night ok? Let me show you just how much you mean to me. Can you do that?” He begged. A deep crimson was surely spreading across my cheeks, but the good thing about makeup was that it hid at least some. “Okay. Thank you.” I said beneath and excited smile. 

He returned my smile, brought his hand up and gently caressed my face. “Come here.” he said quietly. He took my hand and lead me over to the guitar he’d placed. 

"Okay, So." He began. "I've been working on some new stuff. And I wanted to run one song by you." he said softly. My eyes widened and my hands shot up to cover my gasping mouth. That couldn’t have been real! Surely I was dreaming. There’s no way in hell that my favourite singer wanted to run a new song by me. And that’s when it dawned on me, he had never sang for me in person before. How was it that we'd been together for all these months and he’d never sang for me? Sure, he’d sung other songs to me as I was going to sleep, but this time was different. Not only was I fully conscious, but I was the first person outside the band to hear it. 

He sat down, took the guitar and began to explain. "Alright, I wrote this months ago.” He started. “Back when I thought you'd be the one that got away." he continued, almost bashful, speaking quietly and looking down at the guitar. His knee bounced with nerves as he looked up at me from the tops of his eyes. “Are you ready?” He asked. I nodded and gently rubbed his knee in reassurance. He smiled, took a deep breath and began playing the song he called Stay the night. 

His voice echoed through my studio as he sang the words he’d been too afraid to tell me. The snow covered streets muffling the sounds of the New York dusk, leaving me only to hear his voice: 

“I've got an impulse so repulsive that it burns,” He sang, peaking my interest. “I wanna break your heart until it makes your stomach turn.” He continued. I raised an eyebrow pretending to be angry. He stopped playing when I interrupted with a smirk. "What's that supposed to mean, huh?!” I said, folding my arms. "I was frustrated ok? You’re stubborn as fuck! Just wait.” he chuckled. 

"Say, you'll stay the night. Cause we're running out of time. So say, you'll stay the night, I don't wanna say goodbye.” And with that, knew exactly what he meant. This was written when he thought he was leaving and didn't know if he'd ever see me again. I uncrossed my arms and leaned in, listening intently. I could feel tears forming in my eyes as he sang a verse about staying up all night, just him and I. Like we had done so many times, and what are to this day some of the most incredible nights of my life. It was absolutely beautiful. 

The room fell silent as he finished singing, and we looked into each other's eyes. He reached over and wiped the overly dramatic, single tear from my cheek. “Billie, I'm shocked." I said softly. It was hard to wrap my head around that entire experience. As a die hard Green Day fan, this is what we all dreamed of. And by some weird turn of events, it was happening to me. I’d promised him I would try and put myself down less, so I couldn’t just come out and say “why me?” But honestly, why ME? What made me so special? 

"You're my muse, baby. You inspire me so much! I needed to express it somehow, y’know?” He said, shrugging as if writing a song about me was effortless, and the normal course of events. Before I could say anything self deprecating, he stood up, took my hand and brought me to the middle of the room. 

He ran over and turned on the stereo and out poured Leonard Cohen’s song, Suzanne, his haunting voice filling the room with warm sound. He walked slowly over to me, smiling. “H...how did you know?” I asked quietly. I couldn’t remember a time I’d ever told him how much I loved Leonard Cohen, so I was a little taken aback. “Well I noticed a lot of his albums in your collection. Well, that and the playlist on your iPod called ‘that good shit’ has a lot of his songs on it.” He laughed, taking my hand and bringing my  
body close to his. “May I have this dance?” He asked, straightening his back with a cheesy smirk on his face. “It would be a pleasure.” I replied. 

I smiled as we swayed in time to the music. He guided me effortlessly, not skipping a single beat. “You've been practicing!” I remarked, not just to flatter him either! He truly had been practicing. I was admittedly flattered! See, I was mostly joking when I taught him to dance, but it’s obvious that he knew how important it was to me. 

In my heels, I was able to comfortably rest my head on his shoulder. As we danced, he sang softly in my ear along with the song. “How is he real? How is all of this real?” I asked myself over and over in my head. It was hard to believe what was happening, really. As much as he told me I did, I felt like I certainly didn't deserve it. I owe all my strength and survival to HIM for Christ sake! He's who helped me through all the shit that made me who I am. Even as just a fan, decades ago.

He gently placed his hand on my chin, bringing my face up so my eyes would meet his. "I love you so much." he whispered beneath an adoring smile. I smirked, grazing the tip of his nose with my own. “Don't you think that's a bit forward for our first date, Billie?" I whispered, our lips nearly touching. "Not when it's with you.” he whispered back, kissing me softly. 

We kissed, still swaying in time with the song. I’d been so enthralled in the moment, I hadn’t even noticed the song change. Scared by The Tragically Hip resonated through the room, filling my  
Body with warmth. I smiled to myself upon realizing that Billie had put together a playlist full of some of my most cherished songs. 

We danced together for what I thought had to have been 30 minutes at least. It was something so simple, yet it was the most incredible date I could have asked for. In fact, I never wanted it to end! Nothing else mattered when I was in Billie's arms. Next to him, I was safe. I could fully be myself and know that he’d pass no judgement. He shared wisdom with me and guided me through this crazy life like nobody else could. We laughed and cried together, we shared secrets and stories we’d told nobody but each other, and no matter what, we had each others backs. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better partner in crime.

As the final song came to a close, he leaned in and kissed me once more. This time, his lips lingered longer, and his tongue gently begged for entry (which was of course granted immediately.) But suddenly, his lips turned into an excited smile, and he broke the kiss. "I have one more surprise for you." He said, beneath a satisfied smirk. "What? You've already done too much!" I scolded, hands snapping to my hips. “Shut up, Dylan. Just accept that I want to spoil you.” He laughed as he blew out the candles. “Fine. But just know that I do not deserve this and you are being too good to me.” I said, folding my arms. “No such thing.” He said, taking my hand and leading me down to the dark, spooky parking lot behind the building. 

"Billie I hate it back here." I said holding his hand tighter. "Don't worry, it's worth it." He reassured me. “Just a few more steps." He said excitedly. We rounded the corner to the side of the building where the light was dim and surely there was a murderer lurking in the shrubs. But my eyes adjusted to the dark, and it came into focus. There sat a disgusting, rusted out, broken down 1955 Chevrolet 210. 

My jaw dropped, and I shot a glare over at Billie, who was smiling to himself. “Billie Joe Armstrong, what did you do?!" I nearly yelled. "Do you love it?" He asked sounding worried. I was silent for a moment, my hands covering my mouth in disbelief. "Fuck. You hate it, don’t you?" He said, turning away from me and covering his head with his hand. But that couldn't be farther from the truth! That beaten up, nasty looking, dilapidated car, was the single most amazing gift anyone had ever given me. 

“What?! Billie no! This is absolutely incredible. It’s too much!" I said, still totally bewildered. Smiling like an idiot, I walked over to the car, opened the hood and took a look inside. 

I turned to look at Billie, tears of joy falling out of my eyes. "It's equally as disgusting beneath the hood!” I gushed. “You really know the way to my heart!” I wept, running over to him and smothering him in a full body hug. "Oh thank god!" He laughed, obviously relieved. "It was a risk I know, but I thought it would be fun to work on it together. Y'know, since American idiot starts soon and we have way more free time now." he explained. I was overwhelmed with excitement. This entire date was a roller coaster of emotion, truly. None of it was normal by any means, but when had my life ever been? 

“God, you really know how to treat a lady don't you? This is the most beautiful pile of hot garbage I've ever seen." I said, wiping my eyes. He wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the nape of my neck from behind. “Only the best for my lady." he said joked, resting his head on my shoulder. 

"Does this thing even run or what?" I asked, circling my new favourite trash heap. "Barely.” He laughed. “It sort of, coughs a bit, then stalls after a while. That's what I was fuckin doing all day. Trying to get this fuckin thing back here." He said. "Wasn't easy getting it either! Fuck! It was all the way upstate when we went to find it the other day." He explained. “Wait, you went upstate?! How in the fuck did you find this anyway?!” I asked, shocked. “Tré and Mike helped me. We all looked on Craigslist for the perfect one, then we went to go get it.” He shrugged. “You better not have spent money on this.” I said, finally realizing the gravity of what happened. “Oh god no. The guy accepted a trade and left us to figure it out. We all took turns pushing it out of the fucking field while the others pumped the gas.” He explained. I beamed up at him with excitement. I absolutely couldn’t wait to work on this with him. Truthfully, I usually worked on cars alone. I hadn’t built a car with anyone since I built the car my dad still drove to that day. And now, to work on a car with the love of my life? I was thrilled. 

"So let me get this nice and sparkling clear.” I smirked, turning to him and folding my arms. “You made the guys go all the way upstate, made a deal with a man you met on Craigslist who could have for sure been a serial killer for all you know , and literally pushed and pulled this pile of rust all the way back into Manhattan...and you did this all for me?" I asked shaking my head. "What the fuck, Billie? Why are you so good to me?" I asked sincerely. He smiled and wrapped his arm around my waist. “Do I really have to explain it to you again? Because you deserve it.” He said simply. “You are so fucking selfless and never take a minute to think of yourself. I told you, let me spoil you for once, okay? You're worth every rusty inch of trouble that was." He chuckled, running his hand through my hair. 

We stood in front of our car, embracing silently for a minute. I was completely content and even speechless for a while before it hit me. “So....how do we get it out of here?" I asked. "...Shit." He said. “I hadn't thought about that.” He sighed, stroking his chin. I shook my head and rolled my eyes. "Hand me the keys." I sighed, folding my arms and smirking. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a nasty looking old key, attached to what seemed to me to be an old motel room keychain from like, 1965. 

I opened the door to the shitmobile, put the key in the ignition and tried to start her up. Billie was laughing the car choking and sputtering beneath me, as I grunted and aggressively pumped the gas. “What's so funny!?” I yelled. "Oh nothing!” He said. “Just quite the sight, y’know...Pretty girl, pretty dress, trying to get the shittiest car ever to start." He shook his head. "This is why I love you Dylan." He said practically erupting in laughter. Just then, by the grace of god, the engine kicked in. "Get in quick!!" I shouted. He jumped in the passenger side and we slowly crawled out of the parking lot. 

Even though the shop was only about a block or two from my studio, I was wary. “Think we can make it?" I asked, looking at the gas meter which was teetering on empty. "Who knows.” He shrugged. “If we do, it's a miracle.”

Now, I was not about to take that dumpster on wheels on main streets, that’s for damn sure. For the first time in my adult life, I didn’t want to die. So we chugged along the side streets, surely waking the entire neighbourhood with our busted muffler and uncontrollable giggling. 

As we approached the back door to the shop, the car coughed again one final time, and ground to a halt. "Well that's luck if I ever did see it!" I said. "I guess it just took a woman's touch to get it going.” Billie said with a wink. “Don’t be nasty.” I said, rolling my eyes. I put the car in neutral, unlocked the garage door and helped Billie push her inside. 

"Dylan, stop. I can do this." He insisted through grunts. "Billie Joe Armstrong! If you say that one more time I swear to god." I scolded. "I just don't want you to ruin your outfit or shoes or whatever." He explained. "Billie this car is more important than any of this shit." I said. “It’s just stuff!” I scoffed, returning to pushing. He shook his head and rejoined me. 

We finally got her to the spot I rented from Brian and made sure she was safely in place. I stood up, dusting off my hands, proud of my effort. "Good thing my dress is black!" I laughed. My knees and hands were grey with dirt and rust, which I personally liked to wear proudly. Just then, Billie’s eyes shot open and he suddenly looked concerned. "Fuck! I'm so sorry!!" He said, rushing over to me. "For what?!" I asked. “I'll buy you a new dress!” He panicked, picking up the corner of my skirt. “Fuck, I'm so sorry!" He said frantically. I looked down at what he was going on about, and saw that there was dirt on the corner and a small tear.

I erupted with laughter and he looked up at me with wide, innocent eyes. "Dude, chill out!" I said putting my hands on his shoulders. "This is the best date I've ever been on, hands down. This evening means more to me than these stupid clothes ever will. I never wear this shit anyway!" I assured him. He straightened up, and the coy smirk I had become used to spread across his face. “Wait, this is the best date you've ever been on?" He jeered. "Don't get cocky, Big Shoots." I clapped back. "Now, how about you walk a lady home?" I said winking. He eagerly took my hand, and lead me out of garage. 

We walked hand in hand all the way to my front door, me trying to pretend I wasn’t freezing cold. My reputation as a Canadian was at stake here. I wasn’t about to prove Mother Nature right, but perhaps a short skirt, leather jacket and no pants at all wasn’t my smartest decision in the biting, January frost. 

I leaned up against the wall beneath the dim light, and turned to face him. "Thank you, Billie." I said quietly, my breath visible in the air. "That was the first date I'd been on in two years. I was so nervous!” I admitted. He smiled down at me and ran his fingers through my hair. "You were nervous?" He asked, laughing slightly. “Well, yeah! Of course! I didn't know if you'd like...this." I said gesturing to my now dusty clothes. "I loved it." He growled almost hungrily. A lump appeared in my throat and my words became hard to choke out. "W...would you like to come in?" I stuttered. He bit his bottom lip, looking at me out of the tops of his eyes. "On the first date?" He quipped. He put his hand on the wall above my shoulder and leaned in. "Isn't that a bit forward?" He whispered in my ear, as he gently tugged on the lobe with his teeth. I fell back on to the wall, my face becoming hot with nerves. I was screaming internally as he placed his forehead on mine and entangled his fingers in the back of my hair, but I managed to somehow keep my cool. "Say you'll stay the night." I whispered back, with a sly wink. Gently, I placed my lips on his, effectively closing the space between us. 

I pulled away, took his hand and lead him up the four flights of stairs. My heart was pounding in a way that it never really had before. I figured it was a mixture of nervousness and pure excitement. See, I knew tonight could be...”the night”, so a healthy amount of nerves was to be expected. However, on top of that, I was slightly worried that my insecurities would get in the way. 

My brain ran circles around itself beneath my seemingly collected exterior as we ascended the stairs one by one. As to not panic, I took it minute by minute in my head, with a comical, soothing narration. “Good! Made it up the stairs." I thought. "Great, unlocking the door. Nothing abnormal here." This bizarre self pep talk really helped oddly enough. 

"Stay there." I told Billie. "Should we turn some lights on?" He asked in the dark of the tiny foyer, picking up Brad who was thrilled we’d returned to him. "Not yet." I said. I ran around the apartment, lighting all the candles I could find, and lastly my oil lamp. "Spare no expense!" Billie joked, walking further inside. 

After choosing some appropriate music, I kicked off my heels and sat on the couch, patting the spot beside me, asking Billie to join. He let Brad down and sat next to me, albeit further away than I expected. I raised an eyebrow and smirked, leaning forward and placing my hand on his thigh. “Suddenly nervous? Come closer.” I said quietly. He bit his lip and smiled, moving closer and stretching his arm across my shoulders. His other hand stroked up and down my thigh, and his eyes watched my every move. In fact, he couldn't take them off me if you asked him to. 

"How did I even get so lucky?" He asked softly. "You're so..." he stopped and thought for a second. "There aren't even any words! You're so amazing and inspiring and beautiful and sexy and..." "sexy, eh?" I interrupted, straddling him, leaning in slightly and stroking the back of his hair. His eyes widened. “Uh huh.." he gulped, his face turning pink. I had never seen him quite this nervous before. Honestly, I was proud. I really didn’t think I had it in me. 

He shook his head slightly and snapped back to his normal, confident self. "You're so much more than that." He whispered. Our lips were almost touching as ran my hands through his thick fluffy hair. "So are you gonna kiss me or what?" I whispered. His lips turned into a smile as he almost forcefully planted them on mine. He held my waist tightly, as if to say he would never let me go, our lips moving in sync to the music it seemed. But before I even really grasped what was happening, things began to heat up. 

**************************************

He bit my bottom lip gently, as he tugged on my hair, deepening the already passionate kiss. I won't lie to you and say I wasn't nervous, fuck was I ever nervous! Not only do I never put out on the first date, but it’s obvious how important this night was for me. I was entering completely uncharted territory. 

His hands began to explore the rest of my body, my inner monologue freaking out and simultaneously longing for him to go further. He slowly ran his fingers up my spine, tracing the zipper closure of my dress. He began to unzip it, but in a panic broke the kiss and let go. "Wait! Are you sure this is ok? I really don’t want to take it farther than you’re ready to." He stammered. I smiled in appreciation. "Yeah." I said quietly, rubbing his chest, feeling his heartbeat grow quicker. "Are you sure you're ready?" He asked, relaxing a bit. "I'm ready." I whispered back. He breathed a sigh of relief, and his lips crashed into mine. 

He slowly slid the zipper down and ran his hands up my back, sending a chill down my spine and butterflies to my stomach. He gently pulled the dress off my shoulders to reveal my black, lacy bra. We unlocked lips for a moment and he rested his forehead on mine. He nervously brought his hands up my waist and to my breast, letting out a small moan of satisfaction. He slid the straps of my bra down and off my shoulders as he kissed down my neck, causing me to lean my head back and close my eyes in pleasure. He ran his hand up my back, and undid the clasp of my bra with one swift movement. I raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Impressive." I said. He smiled and slowly took my bra off, revealing what was beneath. And as he got a glimpse of my bare chest for the first time, his eyes went as wide as golf balls. 

"What?" I asked, a little worried. His look of shock concerned me. He looked up at me, eyebrows raised and jaw dropped slightly. “What?!” I asked, frantically pulling my dress back over my exposed breasts. But then, I put two and two together and realized exactly why he was so shocked. "Oooh, right. Those." I said, laughing at myself. See, I had left out one tiny detail. I had completely forgotten to mention the nipple piercings I got on a whim at 18. 

"Is...is that ok?" I asked, now worried that he'd be completely grossed out. He was quiet for a second, just staring. “Billie?” I asked, growing concerned at his lack of response. "Holy shit Dylan.” He said in a low, breathy voice. “This has to be the sexiest thing I've ever seen." he growled, reaching over, taking the front of the dress from me and sliding it back down. 

He pulled me in closer by my waist and took my nipple into his mouth, twirling the barbell between his teeth. Heart pounding faster with excitement, my hands slid up the back of his shirt and pulled it over his head, messing up his already tousled hair, and revealing his tattooed torso. 

As we made out, I traced my finger down his chest, to the buckle on his studded belt. What’s strange was, I was never usually this forward. I have no idea what came over me, but I can only describe it as a feeling of absolute desire. Needing to be with someone so badly for so long, and finally being able touch them. 

I continued down to feel the growing bulge in his skinny jeans. He grasped my tiny waist tighter at my touch as I ran my hand up and down his member, teasing him by running my finger along his zipper. My mind was going wild, imagining what was would happen next. I had to have him, right then and there. I smiled coyly, and slowly began to unzip his pants, but suddenly he stopped me. He winked, guiding my hands behind his neck. I laced my fingers together as he grabbed my thighs tightly, picked me up and took me into the bedroom. 

He turned on the dim, antique lamp I kept on my dresser and placed me gently down on the bed as if I were precious cargo. Carefully, he climbed on top of me and began to pull my dress down further. But this time, I stopped him. "Can we turn the light off?" I asked sheepishly. He looked at me almost confused. "But why?" He asked. "I... I don't know. Just don't want you to have to see ALL of me." I confessed. He shook his head, smiling down at me. "But I want to. You're so beautiful from every angle." He whispered in my ear. “So, may I?” He asked, sliding his fingers in the top of the dress, which now sat at my waist. I smiled back and let him pull it down the rest of the way, revealing my matching black lace underpants. “Wow." he ghasped. "I've never seen anything so gorgeous before." he said as he looked down at me. “You’re just saying that.” I blushed. “Would I lie to you?” He said quietly. He had a good point.

I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in for another kiss. Our tongues entangled with one another, passionately fighting for dominence in each other's mouthes. He took my shoulders and pushed me down on the bed, tracing kisses from my neck down to my collar bones. Goosebumps spread across my body as he moved further, once more kissing my breast and more forcefully than before, biting down on the barbell. I threw my head back letting out a small moan, and I could feel his lips turn into a sly smile. That was it, I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed to touch him. 

I reached down, undid the buckle on his belt and slipped my hand in, grabbing his already hard shaft. I caressed it slowly, and pulled it out of his pants as I brought my mouth down to meet it. I took his entire length into my throat, closed my mouth tightly around it and began to slowly suck. “Oh fuck." he moaned. He grasped the back of my head tightly, as he rhythmically thrust deeper into my mouth. I decided I’d keep going until he absolutely begged me to stop. After a while, he tensed up and pulled away, placing his fingers gently on my chin to lift up my head. “Baby, stop.” He said breathlessly. “I don't want to finish just yet." He continued as he leaned forward and kissed me. "It's your turn." He whispered. 

And that’s when the nerves really kicked in. He weaved between my thighs with his arms and picked me up by my hips, pulling me closer to his beautiful face. He put me back down on the bed, and softly kissed the inside of my thigh, leaving a trail of kisses as he made his way between my legs. He removed my thong, revealing...another secret piercing! Im kidding. No, that would be ridiculous. 

Anyway, he removed my thong and ever so softly began to lick my clit, effectively teasing me. I tried not to focus on the patterns he was tracing with his tongue, just so I wouldn't lose control too quickly. I ran my fingers through his hair to distract myself and shit, never in my days did I think I'd ever see that much hair between my legs. But in the heat of the moment, I must have grabbed a little too hard, because I heard a small growl slip out of his lips.

“Oh my god, sorry! Did I hurt you?!" I panicked. I felt him smirk against my skin and in a low voice he said “Don’t be sorry, baby. Do it again.” And before I knew it, he, went down more aggressively than before, sending electricity through my body. He continued like that, all the while grabbing my thighs tightly, for several minutes before I absolutely couldn't take any more. 

"Billie I'm gonna come." I whined, a wave of pleasure beginning to wash over my body. But just as I was on the verge of bliss, he suddenly stopped. "Not yet." He whispered, crawling back up and kissing my neck. Now, even though I’d sort of become used to not wearing my choker, it was still exhilarating feeling his touch on a place I’d kept so hidden for so long. 

He climbed on top of me, one hand on the wall behind us, and the other resting on the side of my face. He kissed me with the kind of passion you’d expect from someone who had just come home from the war or something. But just as I was getting into it, broke the kiss. He looked down at me and tucked my hair behind my ear, gazing into my eyes. "What’s wrong?" I asked quietly. "Nothing, I just..." he started. "I just want to make sure you're ready. Y'know? I want you to feel safe with me." he said, stroking my cheek. I smiled, placing my hand on top of his. “I trust you, Billie." I whispered. "Alright, just tell me to stop if you want me to, ok?” He said. I nodded, not breaking eye contact. He smiled gently, his eyes twinkling in the dim lighting. I kissed him, running my hands up and down his arms as he swiftly guided himself to my entrance. "Are you ready?" He asked, barely inside me. "I'm ready." I answered. 

I let out a small gasp as I felt him push inside me. He rested his forehead against mine, holding his breath as he slowly began thrusting in and out. He was forceful, yet passionate and above all else, careful. He made me feel like I was the centre of the universe and that nothing could ever hurt me again. I knew what they said about sleeping with someone you truly care about being different from everyone else, but I wasn't sure how true that was. Well, as it turns out, they're right. Being with Billie was like nothing I had ever experienced. As he looked down at me, I looked back into the eyes of someone who truly adored me, and who I loved more than life itself. That moment is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life. 

But of course, things quickly turned from tender to intense as he moved faster. He began sucking on my neck, holding my hips and thrusting into me harder. “Oh my god.” I gasped in sheer pleasure. I ran my nails down his back, trying to hold back my moans (the last thing I needed was a noise complaint.) I guess he noticed I was close to the edge, and suddenly pulled out. Disappointed, I hoisted myself on top, pinning him down by his shoulders. "Aw Billie don't stop.” I begged. He shot me a sly look, running his fingers gently up and down my thighs, to tease me. “Oh so we're playing this game?” I thought as I began to grind my hips into his, holding him down by the wrists. He leaned his head back and moaned my name. “What are you doing to me, Dylan?" he growled. “That's what you get for stopping.” I said, raising my eyebrow. “Stopping?” He smirked. "I've only just started." And without warning, he grabbed my hips tightly, flipped me over and thrust into me powerfully. 

He pinned my arms above my head, intertwining our fingers as he penetrated me over and over. This time much faster and harder than before. “Oh Billie. Holy fuck.” I moaned between heavy breaths. “You like that, baby?” He said breathing heavily, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. “Oh my god, yes.” I replied, biting my bottom lip to keep from screaming. “B-Billie im about to…” I said, practically grasping for air. He brought his hands down and held me tightly. “Oh my god I'm about to come. I love you so much, Dylan.” He moaned into my neck, thrusting even quicker and harder. “Oh, Billie Joe!!” I screamed, completely throwing caution to the wind. And with one final forceful push, we both finished in unison. 

We laid there, him still inside me in the afterglow. After several minutes, he lifted his head up out of the crook of my neck and our eyes met once more. Sweat was dripping off his brow, his hair relaxing into a soft curl, and he was still breathing quite heavily. “Wow.” I practically gasped. He laughed, running his fingers through his hair. “Wow is right!” He replied, kissing me tenderly. 

**************************************

He got off me, pulled the blanket over us and pulled me into his chest. “Are you ok?” He asked, playing with my hair. “Do you need anything?” I smiled and shook my head. “Billie, relax. Stop spoiling me.” I said, tracing circles on his chest. He kissed my forehead and got out of bed. “But you deserve it.” He said as he threw his underpants back on and began to make his way to the kitchen.

A few minutes later he returned with a glass of bourbon, a pepperoni stick, and brad following close behind. “Here!” he said smiling, handing them to me. “What he fuck? You’re so cute!” I said. “Are you sure you still wanna kiss me after I eat this?” I asked. “Of course!” He scoffed. “Either way it wouldn’t fucking matter, you love these.” He laughed. He was right, I do love those. 

He jumped in bed next to me and Brad made himself comfortable on his lap l.  
I finished my bourbon and turned over to face them. Billie stared past me, to the picture of the Golden Girls. “Sorry you had to see that, ladies.” He said, turning his nose up. I laughed, gently hitting his arm. His face was still flushed and his eyes had a new twinkle in them I hadn't seen before. He sat there smiling to himself and scratching Brad behind the ears. “You're gorgeous.” I whispered, placing my lips gently on his cheek. “Oh, this old thing?” He said pointing to his face. “Come here” he winked. I shut off the light and snuggled in close. His arms wrapped tightly around me, powerful and protective. “I love you so much.” I whispered. “I love you twice as much.” He replied. 

And with that, I drifted off into the best sleep I’d had in years.


	17. “You have no idea how lucky you are.”

January 22nd, 7:15 AM: 

I woke up early that morning to sneak out before Billie got up. I felt like he deserved to sleep in, but I personally was sleepless with excitement about the car. So I snuck in a shower as quietly as possible, washing off the residue of the previous night’s cake face. I threw on my normal amount of makeup and crept out the door, shutting it silently behind me.

At the garage, I walked circles around the 210, rubbing my hands together in anticipation. I still couldn't believe Billie had done that. I was relieved he hadn’t spent any money on it, but curious as to what he traded. Either way, the gesture alone was enough to make me want to cry. Well that, and the amount of dust and pollen that had accumulated on it over the years. 

My mind swam with ideas. Not only was I excited to do another restomod, but I was even more excited to work together with Billie. I hoped he’d be ok with the idea of getting rid of the catalytic converter and fitting a straight-through exhaust, but then again I figured it wouldn’t take much convincing. Who doesn’t want their car to spit flames from the tailpipe? Smiling to myself, I popped open the hood to took a look at what I was working with. 

"Hoooly shit." I said, scratching my head in disbelief as I stared down at the mess that was the insides of the car. I had never seen such chaos under any hood in all my years as a hobbyist and mechanic . There was absolutely no wondering why Billie had such a hard time getting it there that’s for sure. Not only was it a mess of oil and dirt, but there was actual foliage somehow growing in there. This wasn't going to be easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I was hanging halfway out of the car, completely enthralled in cleaning out the garden that had grown inside, when Suddenly out of nowhere someone came up behind me, and slapped my ass. 

"Whoa what the fuck, Brian?!" I yelled in assumption, rearing up, fists clenched ready to throw a punch. But instead, I whipped around to see Billie staring back at me, eyes wide and backing up laughing. "Jesus Christ, Billie!" I shouted, clutching my chest. "Don't scare me like that! I didn't even hear you come in!" I laughed. He walked towards me, still with a smug grin across his face. He ran one hand behind my head and into my hair while the other steadied my body as he pushed us up against the car. "Sorry, I just couldn't help myself." He whispered, kissing me. Now as much as I could have protested, his apology was quickly accepted.

"So how does it look?" He asked, breaking the kiss. "Well..." I started, rubbing the back of my head and looking down at the car again. "I gotta say, I didn't expect to be gardening this morning that's for damn sure." I joked, pointing out the pile of weeds I'd pulled. “You weren’t lying. You literally went into the back country to find this thing, eh?” I laughed. “It was worth it!” He shrugged. “Have you seen the top yet?” He asked, walking toward the back of the car. I hadn’t even thought to look, really. He chuckled, unfolding the holiest, dirtiest canvas top I’d ever seen. “The guys ad didn’t fucking say it was destroyed so we had fun bringing it back in the fucking snow.” I erupted with laughter at the thought of the boys not only struggling to get it to run, but basically exposed to all the elements in a thread bare soft-top. “I can’t believe you got the guys to agree to that.” I said. “I feel kinda bad!” I laughed. “Oh pff. Don’t worry about them. I’d do it all over again for you.” He said, wrapping his arms around my waist. “I love you so much.” I gushed, pulling him closer so we leaned on the car, kissing him passionately. 

"Jeeeeeez, get a fucking room!" we heard Tre say as he, Mike and Rachel walked under the half open garage door. "Grow up." I said bluntly, putting my hands on my hips. 

"This is the big deal? Another shitty car Dylan found?" Rachel asked, looking at the car, understandably confused. "No, stupid. Look!" Tre said, pointing to Billie and I. "What about them?” She said, squinting her eyes and staring, trying to figure it out. “Oh... OH!" She said, noticing Billie's arm around me. "There it is." Mike said, laughing as he pulled the door shut behind them. Are you two...are you official?!" She shrieked. I looked up at Billie, smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. That seemed to be all the answer she needed. "I'm so happy for you!! Pissed that you didn't fucking tell me right away, but whatever it's fine!" She said, running up and throwing her arms around us. “WAIT. Was it a date I was fucking helping you get ready for?!” She asked. "Okay, easy! Yes, it was. Calm down." I said, laughing breathlessly as she nearly choked us out. “You piece of shit!” She said, smacking my arm. Mike and Tré giggled to themselves. “You didn’t know?” Tré asked. “Wait! These assholes knew but I didn’t?!” She yelled, smacking us both on the arm this time. “Okay, ow!” Billie laughed. “Maybe there’s a reason I didn’t tell you!” I said, rubbing my arm. “Yeah, we went with Billie to get the car.” Mike explained. “You got her this on the first date? Jesus, Billie. Just get her flowers next time.” Rachel said, looking down at the car and scrunching her nose. “He did.” I said, beaming up at Billie, who kissed me on the forehead. 

"So what are you guys planning on doing with this thing?" Mike asked, running his finger along the body of the car, leaving a trail where the dust had been. "We're not sure yet but I have some ideas-" I started, before I was interrupted by a loud bang in the back of the garage. "What was that? Aren't we the only ones here?" Billie asked. "That's what I thought...." I said, as I walked towards the sound to investigate. 

The sound seemed to be coming from Brian's office where a dim light that I hadn't noticed before was turned on. Knowing the safe was in there, I grabbed a wrench that sat on the workbench beside the door. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it was best to air on the side of caution. I snuck slowly and quietly up to the door, raising the wrench up over my head. Opening it cautiously and peeking in, I saw Brian sitting in his chair, head in hands, leaning on his desk. 

"Brian? I had no idea you were here!" I said, lowering my "weapon". "Yeah, yeah I'm here." He sighed, sounding forlorn. "Whoa, what's up?" I asked, walking up to him and placing my hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry about it, Dylan. Just go back to working on that car, okay? It's a pretty cool project by the way." Now, I had never seen Brian this upset. That, paired with the way he'd been behaving lately didn't sit well with me. "Well I'm gonna worry, Bri. You're one of my best friends." I said, pulling up a stool and  sitting next to him. He looked up at me with one eye, and sighed. "Just....heard you guys were official." He said quietly. "Yeah?" I said, furrowing my brow in confusion. "What's going on in here?" Billie asked, coming in to make sure I was alright. "Shit, am I interrupting something?" He asked, noticing Brian roll his eyes upon his entry. "Yeah, you sort of are I guess. But hey, be my guest! It's not like you haven't interrupted before!" Brian said, returning his head to his hands. “What the fuck, Brian?” I said, raising my voice. “What’s going on here?” I snapped. "Dylan, I should have told you a long time ago but..." Brian started. "I'm in love with you."

Billie and I stayed there in uncomfortable silence. "Fuck, Brian that's, uh, a lot." I said, standing up, raising my hands and backing up towards the door. "I'm gonna....pretend this never happened if that's all the same to you." I sputtered. "I'm really sorry but I've...never thought of you in that way, uh..I really love Billie so...I'm...gonna go." I stammered, making a swift exit. 

I leaned up against the workbench beside the door, both not knowing where to go from there, and waiting to hear how Billie would handle this new, weird information. I pulled an emergency cigarette I had in the pocket of my jumpsuit, lit it and anxiously sucked it down. 

"Man, y'know, I really am sorry." He said, sitting on the stool. "I didn't mean to step on your toes or anything but I really love Dylan, alright? Y'know, I know what it's like to love her and feel like she doesn't even know you exist." I heard him say, which broke my heart. It was hard to believe there was a time where he didn't know just how much I loved him. But that was in the past, and this weird shit was in the present. I could apologize for that later. 

"Fuck, I sort of thought you just...didn't like me or something." Billie tried to joke, lightening the situation. "I'm..." Brian started. "Fuck, man I'm so sorry. I've treated you like shit because of my own problem. You're a good guy, Billie. I guess I was trying to find reasons to not like you and seeing her all over you, fuck seeing you kiss her back there killed me man. It really drove home what I was in denial about.” He said. “I guess I sort of thought you two would never be serious. You know how stubborn Dylan is.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Rude! I am not stubborn!” I hissed under my breath, proving his point. “I’ll just have to accept that I’ll never be with her and move on." He continued. "Just...just treat her right, okay? You're a really lucky guy. Fuck, you have no idea how lucky you are.” He added, and from what I could tell, beneath tears. "Don't worry, Dylan's in good hands. To be honest, I have no idea how I got so lucky. She means the world to me, y'know. But listen, we're never gonna talk about this, alright?" Billie said awkwardly. "Never." Brian agreed. "Alright then..." Billie finished, backing out of the room to join me. 

We walked back to the rest of the group in silence, sour tastes in both of our mouths. When we got to the front of the car, our friends greeted us with the same, blank bewilderment. "You...heard that, didn't you?" Billie asked. "Y..yeah. Yeah, we did." Mike answered. "I guess that explains why he's been acting so weird." Rachel added in an uneasy cadence. "Yeah." I said, bluntly. "We're never speaking about this ever again, okay?" I scolded frantically. "Absolutely fucking not.” Rachel said, Tré and mike nodding quickly in agreeance. “I’m not even going to get mad at you for that cigarette. You deserve that.” She added. “Good. Let's go, I need...a cold shower or something, fuck." Billie said, shuddering and leading the way out of the garage. 

"You got any snacks?" Tré asked, mouth already full of grapes he'd stolen, as he raided my fridge. "Can you wrangle him?" I asked, coming out of the bathroom and drying my hair with a towel. I'd had a quick shower to wash the awkward energy off me before I went to the theatre to perform the matinee. "Normally, anything for you." Billie started "But this way’s funnier." He said, joining Tré in the kitchen. "How's the show going?" Mike asked, changing the subject. "Honestly? Awesome. Way better than I expected after the whole Christine thing.” I said, wrapping my towel around my head. “Speaking of, I wonder how Christine is.” I added. “You haven’t heard from her?” He asked. “No I haven’t. I’d really like to though. I hope she found some help or something.” I said, stroking my chin in contemplation. "So do you think you're gonna keep doing doing it?" He asked, bringing my train of thought back. "That I don’t know." I shrugged. "I'm not so sure this life's really for me, but hey it's fun for now so that's what matters right?" I looked around the room, expecting some smart ass remark from Rachel, but she was nowhere to be found. 

"Wait, did Rachel not come in with us?" I asked. I could have sworn I'd seen her, but after being blindsided with Brian's little confession I could have been wrong. "I'll go find her!" Tré volunteered, almost too excitedly, leaping up from inside the fridge and banging his head on the way up. "Whoa, easy. Do what you want." I said, finding his enthusiasm odd but not unwarranted. After all, it was Tré. He hurriedly put his shoes on and ran out the door, skipping steps as he bounded down the stairs. 

"Alright Big Shoots and Bigger Shoots." I said, addressing Mike and Billie who sat at the table, playing with Brad. "Sorry to love you and leave you, but I'm off to the theatre." I walked behind Billie and kissed his cheek. "See you there." He said, hugging me from the side. "Catch!" I said throwing him my keys. "Bye Dylan!" Mike called as I skipped down the stairs. 

"You got laid last night." I rolled my eyes, trying to ignore Greg who was leaning on my dressing room counter, arms folded and eyes narrowed. "What makes you say that kind of calumny?" I quipped, hands snapping to my hips. "Wow okay Mariam Webster." He snapped back. "Everyone can tell, stupid." He laughed. "Well maybe it's none of everyone's business!" I laughed, blushing in embarrassment. "Ooooh that means you did!" He teased, poking me in the front of my shoulder. "I am not at liberty to discuss that sort of information." I sighed. "OH YOU DID!" He mocked in an almost jaunty tune. "Take it up with my lawyer!" I joked, flipping my hair and storming out. "...This is my dressing room." I said, walking back in. "Smart one Dylan. See you upstairs." Greg said, punching me lightly as he left. 

As per usual, the show went off without a hitch. It had become easier and easier with each day, so it was pretty much like clockwork. But this particular afternoon, something was slightly different. This time, I heard a loud booming voice coming from the audience. "That's my girl!" It yelled, every time the audience clapped for me. The voice was definitely familiar, but in the darkness of the theatre and the distraction of performing I couldn't quite put my finger on it. So I did my job despite the slight distraction and slowly burning curiosity. I figured I'd just ask Billie about it later. 

After we took our final bow of the evening, I went backstage as per usual. It seemed as though Greg had spread the news about me spreading my legs that he'd gotten out of me earlier, and I was dodging questions left right and centre. Really? I didn't mind much. After all we'd been through, the cast had sort of become family. And the vulgar backstage talk was something I was used to. I guess being naked around a group of people multiple times in one night bonds you or something. There's no boundaries in the theatre that's for sure. 

As I packed up my things in my dressing room, I whistled and hummed away without a care in the world. For the first time in years I was purely happy. Nothing was wrong, nothing in the foreseeable future could GO wrong, and I was on top of the world. Even the interaction with Brian just hours before wasn’t getting to me. But just as I finished scraping the layers of makeup off my face, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and to the dressing room. 

"Huh. Maybe Rachel and the guys decided to join tonight." I thought to myself, reaching under the counter to grab my bag. "Hey, Dylan?" I heard Billie call in what could only be described as a mischievous tone. "Yeah, babe! Be there in a sec, hold on." I said still looking down. "Hey there, kiddo." A second voice said. And with that, my head shot up immediately. 

"Dylan!!" A third and utmost familiar voice said, as the person it belonged to bounded toward me. Before I even had time to think, I was tackled to the ground in the biggest hug that could have ever existed. 

I looked up from the ground, and tears of happiness filled my eyes. I was rendered mostly speechless but was able to choke out two words from beneath my elation: 

"Dad?! Johnny?!"


	18. “A pleasant surprise.”

January 22nd, 8:00 PM: 

To put things lightly, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I hadn't seen Dad or Johnny in person in over a year, and I certainly didn't tell them (or any of my family for that matter) about my stint on Broadway. Rude? Probably! But I really didn't want to make a big deal about it. I didn't like being the centre of attention, as we all know, so the idea of my rowdy family showing up was unnerving. But this? This was a pleasant surprise.

"Look who I found in the audience." Billie laughed. "What are you doing here?! H-how did you...Billie Joe what's going on?!" I sputtered in excitement as I crawled out from under Johnny's tight grip. I ran up and flung my arms around my dad, nearly crying. "Rachel planned it all." Dad said. "She and her...friend? Or boyfriend? I couldn't really tell, actually.” He said, narrowing his eyes. ”Anyway, they came to pick us up at the airport and we hid out at her place until it was time to see you." he explained. "But Rachel's licence is suspended. You know how bad of a driver she is." I said, both concerned that she had let my family get in a car with her behind the wheel, and confused that she had picked up a man somewhere. "Yeah, her boyfriend or whoever he was, was driving." Dad explained, casually. "She said nothing about a boyfriend." I said looking to Billie for some clarification, but he was as confused as I was. I found it odd that she was obsessed with my love life, but she got the pleasure of keeping hers private. Unfair, I thought.

“Fuck it, nevermind that!" I yelled, shaking my head to snap out of it. "Billie how did you know this was my dad?" I asked. "Well he was sitting next to me and yelling 'that's my girl!' and I thought, your girl? Funny, mine too! And we got to talking during intermission." He explained. “Yeah! And then I thought, wait a minute! You're the Bill she'd been going crazy about?" Dad laughed, throwing his arm around Billie's shoulders, dwarfing him completely. 

I’d like to make it known that my dad is the type to be overly protective of his only daughter, and it was only exaserbated by Adam. So to see him being so warm and welcoming to Billie gave me the relief I didn’t even know I needed. See, Dad is very rough around the edges. Tough looking too! Think...Ray Sawyer from Dr. Hook and the medicine show circa 1980. He looked exactly like that, eyepatch included. And it seemed that after retiring from the army, he'd let his hair and moustache grow back out to the way he had it before the draft (which I’m sure Nancy wasn’t thrilled about.) He’s tattooed, loud, and boisterous. A true Newfoundlander through and through, but of course, he has a heart of gold. 

The relief I felt wasn’t unwarranted however. I was nervous to ever introduce him to another boyfriend after Adam. I figured he would never like any of my partners ever again considering what happened, and I definitely wasn’t sure how he’d take the obvious but ultimately unimportant age difference. But I guess Billie’s charm that won me over was universal.

"You did so good, Dylan." Johnny said, wrapping his arms around me and refusing to let go. "Yeah, John. And if Rachel hadn't have told us, we would have never seen it! You know Dylan." Dad said, shaking his head. "Too humble right?!" Billie said, turning to my dad, eyes wide. "Always! She's never given herself enough credit." Dad agreed. “Thanks guys, bond over me being stubborn. Go ahead! No, really it’s fine!” I joked. “Sorry, Dyl. But he isn’t wrong!” Billie laughed. Of course he wasn’t wrong, but I’ll be damned if my stubborn ass was going to agree. 

"I know you now!" Johnny said excitedly, changing the subject and pointing at Billie. "Dylan! from Nurse Jackie you 'member?" He said, smaking my shoulder. And in that moment, I think Billie could have died he laughed so hard. 

"Yes, John. The very same." I chuckled. "I love that show. That's my best show you know?" He said over and over. "That was a good episode you know?" He gushed to Billie with wide eyes. "I'm so glad you liked it, Johnny!" Billie replied, with a warm smile.

To be honest with you, just the simple act of being kind to Johnny was enough to make my heart melt. Some of my previous partners had been extremely uncomfortable around him and weren't too sure how to act. Ultimately, that was the reason I ended up breaking it off with some of them. If they didn’t like Johnny, I didn’t need them. 

I guess the reason they were so uncomfortable was because he has the mind of a child. His way of showing he likes you is by touching. He loves to grab your hands or arms and never let go. In layman’s terms, he’s an 7 year old in a grown man’s body. To a lot of people (as you know, our mother included) he was a burden- someone they didn’t need to treat like everyone else. But to me, my close friends and family? He’s just Johnny. The funny, dynamic, extremely kind man. He is the type of person who could light up a room just by walking in. In my opinion, we could all learn a lesson from Johnny. He still enjoys every day of his life and finds the good in every situation. And you know what? We would not have him any other way. 

He let go of my arm and walked over to Billie, studying him in admiration. "I like your hair." He said putting his hand on Billie's shoulder, and lightly touching the black plume of hair on top of his head. "I like yours too!" Billie replied, pulling Johnny into a side hug. I couldn't help but smile at how cute they were. Billie was a total natural with John! And Johnny had certainly taken a liking to him. 

John has a way of telling exactly who’s a good person and who isn’t. If Johnny was uncomfortable around someone, that was a pretty good indication that they were bad news. And of course, like all my brothers, Johnny was very protective over me. Hell, even more so what with being my twin and all. 

“You're Dylan's new boyfriend aren't you?" Johnny asked, leaning back and studying Billie once more. “I know ‘cause she talks about you too much.” He said, causing a blush to spread across my cheeks as Billie looked at me, a smug grin on his face. "You be nice to her, ok?" Johnny scolded. "I don't wanna have to come and beat you up you know?" he said in what was his most stern voice, causing Dad and I to have to stifle our laughter. "Don't worry, buddy." Billie smiled, throwing his arm across John’s shoulders. "Dylan is very special to me. I'll make sure nothing bad ever happens to her." He said, winking at me. That answer seemed to be enough for Johnny to return to his bubbly self, wrapping his arm around Billie’s. "God, you and Dylan look so much alike." He remarked, looking at Johnny and back to me. "Wild, eh? It's almost like we're twins." I teased, folding my arms. "Good god, kid. You never miss a beat do you?" Dad said, shaking his head. "I learned from the best." I winked.

I bearely heard my phone ring I was so distracted watching Billie and Johnny interract. Realizing it could be Rachel, I scrambled to answer it in hopes of getting an explanation. “Hello?" I said, quickly. "Have a good show?" Rachel asked over the other end. "Rachel what the fuck did you do?!" I asked laughing. "Made dinner reservations, that's what the fuck I did. See you there!” She sang, hanging up before I had a chance to thank her. "Well...we should get going.” I sighed. “I guess we have reservations." I said, rolling my eyes and leading my family out of my dressing room.

"Where's Brad, Dylan? Is brad coming too?" Johnny asked on the car ride to the restaurant. "Brad has other plans tonight, bud." I said. John laughed at the idea of Brad having plans, but returned his attention back to Billie after a moment or two. It was amazing how taken Johnny was. I hadn't seen him in person in what felt like a century, but he was far more interested in Billie. I was assuming it was because he had the inside dirt on Johnny’s favourite lady. 

"Is nurse Jackie nice?" he asked. "Very!" Billie said, laughing. "She's not a real nurse, big guy." Dad chimed in from the front seat. "Says you." Johnny said quietly, folding his arms and turning his attention to the city passing us as we drove.

When we arrived at the restaurant, Rachel stood waiting for us at the front door. But she wasn’t alone- strangely enough, Tré was standing with her. "Hey, Dylan!" Rachel yelled with a shit eating grin plastered across her face. "You're an asshole." I said getting out of the car, Johnny quickly taking hold of my hand. "Hi Rachel." he said, blushing. "Rachel's my girlfriend you know." he told Billie. "But I thought Nurse Jackie was your girlfriend?" Dad asked. "She is too." Johnny smiled confidently. 

"Hey, Buck! How'd the surprise go?" Rachel asked dad. An explanation is probably necessary here; see, my dad's name is Robert, but he got the nickname Buck in Vietnam and that's all he goes by now- or at least he tries to. Nancy however, rolls her eyes. (I’m glad at least my friends humoured him.) “Just as planned, Rach. Thanks for the tip." Dad said, throwing his arm across Rachels’ shoulders like they were old buddies. While she and dad giggled like stupid children about their little plan, Billie, Johnny and I walked over to Tré, hoping he could explain himself.

"What are you doing here?" Billie asked Tré in genuine confusion. "Rachel's licence is suspended, duh." He shrugged. "I found out where she went after we all left the garage and she asked me to drive her." I narrowed my eyes, unsure if he was telling us the entire truth. The whole situation was suspicious, really. That, and he was having a hard time making eye contact  
with both Billie and I. 

"Dylan, Buck is so fucking cool!" Tré said enthusiastically, steering us away from the subject at hand. "Now we know where she gets it." Billie laughed. "Is that eyepatch real?" Tré asked. “Yeah it's real. He doesn't have an eye under there." Johnny said. "Wait he doesn't have one at all?!" Tré nearly yelled, wide eyed. "How did he lose it?" Billie asked. Johnny and I both looked at one another and laughed. "That's the thing! Nobody really knows." I shrugged. "He lost it in Vietnam." Johnny added. "Yeah, we know that much, but he makes up a different story about how it was lost every time and we have no idea which story is true." I laughed. “Nancy once told us it was a piece of shrapnel hitting him in the eye, but we’ve never gotten an honest yes or no from him.” I explained. “I don’t even know if I should believe you, but I’m gonna!” Tré said, looking over at my dad in admiration, like he was some celebrity or something. “I wonder what story he’ll tell me!”

“Savages.” My Dad said. “A pack of wild savages came up to me and shot an arrow right into my eye.” Dad told Tré who obviously had asked. “Dad come on, not at the table.” I said, shaking my head. I knew at some point he was going to embarrass me, but I hoped it wouldn’t be because of his eye. But gross eye story or not, all throughout the meal conversation flowed and laughter was natural. It was as though we'd never been apart, and the guys had been there since day one. 

"So, Bill. You're from California! Must be exciting, eh?" Dad said. "Do you have any siblings?" He continued, in what I could only assume was about to become an interrogation. "Many." Billie laughed. "Oh wow! Dylan too. But I'm sure you knew that." He chuckled. “Dylan tells me you surf?” He asked. In this moment, I knew I was in for more embarrassment that I’d bargained for. “Oh, yeah!” Billie said smiling. “You should teach her how! She’s used to being on the water, aren’t ya Dyl?” Dad said excitedly. “No! No no no. You have no idea how much I’m going to need you to not tell them this.” I said under my breath, sinking down in my seat, knowing what was about to come next. Billie looked at my dad, intrigued. “I’m not sure I knew about that!” He said. “Oh yeah! Dylan spent a summer jiggin’ cod out in Petty Harbour with her brother Daniel!” 

Although my eyes were closed, I could feel my friends’ stares burning into my soul. “OH DID SHE!” Rachel practically yelled, looking at me with her jaw hanging open. “What in the fresh hell is jigging?” Tré laughed. “Fishing!” Dad said, a proud smile slapped across his face. “Oh my god.” Billie said, looking at me with the most smug grin. “We were spending the summer back home with nan and grandad, and grandad wanted to teach us the value of hard work so I had to work on the boat with Daniel, ok?” I said. “Ok. That’s fine, Dylan. But don’t you think for five seconds that I’m ever going to let this go.” Rachel howled. Now, we’ve all had weird summer jobs we did as a kid- in hindsight I didn’t need to be ashamed. But I mean come on, can you blame me?

"What's nurse Jackie really like?" John, who insisted he sit right beside Billie, thankfully interrupted. I swear, Tré and Rachel nearly choked laughing. "You know what? She's awesome!” Billie said, putting his arm around John’s shoulders. “Hey, I'll put in a good word for you." He said, not missing a beat. "See Dylan! I told you she was my girlfriend." Johnny said proudly. "I'll never doubt you again." I said, rolling my eyes. 

We continued eating and catching up, but just as my father ordered another round for the whole crew, I heard my phone ring from inside my purse. Now, I’m not usually one to be on my phone while I have company, but it struck me as odd that the only people who call me were all there with me, yet there it was. So I excused myself (needing a cigarette anyway now that Rachel and the most important person in my entire life knew about the Cod Summer of ‘97) and went outside to answer it. 

I didn’t recognize the number, so I answered with a simple “Hello?” I was met with silence on the other line. “Uh...hellooo??” I sang, taking a drag of the spare menthol I kept exclusively for emergencies. A heavy sigh filled the ear piece. “Kay well I’m gonna hang up then, lest I get murdered.” I said, but before I could hang up a woman’s voice came over the other end. “Wait! Dylan?” She asked. “.....yes?” I replied hesitantly. “Hi.” She said weakly. 

“Hi...Uh, it’s Christine.”


	19. “There won’t be a next time!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this chapter is long, hope you like it anyway. 
> 
> *TRIGGER WARNING: self harm/suicide.

January 22nd, 10:36 PM:

 

“Hi...uh, It’s Christine.” 

I choked slightly on my own spit upon hearing that. But although my heart sank with nervousness, her voice was pained, exhausted and raspy. “Uh...hi.” I managed to choke out as I walked farther from the restaurant to sit on a curb out of earshot. “How are you?” I asked. She sighed once more and began to speak. “I’m okay. Look, I know we haven’t always gotten along- I get that, and I’m so so sorry. But I really need to speak to you.” She said quickly, as if she was nervous. “Whoa slow down there, Christine. Take some deep breaths, ok?” I said gently. I could hear her crying over the other end, trying to get her herself together. “I’m in the middle of a dinner right now, but I can call later if you like?” I offered. “No, Dylan this is something I can’t do over the phone.” She said, grasping for air. “Okay, okay deep breaths! Everything is alright.” I said. I heard her take a couple deep breaths and someone behind her, muffled but clear enough that I could make out that they were giving her words of encouragement. “I can meet up with you any time you need me.” I said. Look, even though we had never been friends- like, at all, I could recognize that this was more difficult for her than it was for me. “Don’t hate me ok?” She said. “I can’t come to meet you, but if you could come see me that would mean a lot.” She said quietly. 

Now, this night had been overwhelming to begin with. But this was just the icing on the cake. “Uh, sure.” I said “So...where exactly are you?” I asked. She was silent for a bit. I could hear whoever was with her reassuring her and telling her that everything would be okay. I’ll admit, I was more than confused. I was so far beyond confused that pretty much anything she could say next wouldn’t really shock me too much. “I’m at Silver Hill Hospital.” She said after a long sigh. “In...New Canaan, Connecticut. It’s uh...a psychiatric hospital and rehab centre.” 

Now that, I was not prepared for. I gave it some thought briefly, wondering if I even wanted to give her my time. But in the end, my morals got the best of me. “Sure. I’ll come see you.” I said. “Oh thank god. You have no idea how much this means to me.” She said, almost relieved. “I have to take my dad to the airport tomorrow, and I’ll make the drive right after. I’ll see you in the afternoon?” I said bluntly, trying to mask my undeniable fear. “Sure, yes. Whatever works for you. Thank you so much Dylan.” She said, sounding obviously relieved. 

I hung up and stared at the pavement for a while. Why did she want to talk to me? Was she just playing nice? Was this to call me out for taking her place? I wasn’t sure, but my trance was broken when I heard Billie say “There she is!” 

I looked over to see him, holding Johnny’s hand, walking toward me. “Whoa, what’s up?” He asked, his smile turning into a look of concern. “That was Christine.” I said as they joined me on the curb. “Christine is the mean girl isn’t she?” Johnny asked. “Yeah, She is.” I sighed. “What the fuck does she want?” Billie spat. “That’s the problem- I have no idea.” I shrugged. “She wants to meet with me and talk.” I said, scrunching my nose and taking a drag of the dart I held between my now shaking fingers. “Okay...well we can do that.” Billie said, putting his arm around me. “Where does she want to meet?” He asked. I chuckled under my breath. “Ever been to Connecticut?” I said. “Connecticut? What’s she doing there?” He asked. “She’s in a mental institution.” I said, dropping my head into my hands and scrunching my hair in my fingers.” Billie and Johnny’s eyes both widened. “Holy crap.” Johnny said, now staring at the ground. It was silent for a minute while Billie rubbed my back. “Well! Guess we’re taking a road trip!” He said, pulling my closer to him. “Are you sure, Billie?” I asked. “I don’t want to drag you into this shit.” I said. “Don’t be stupid, baby.” He said, running his fingers through my hair. “I’m not gonna let you do this alone, alright?” I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. The world seemed way easier to deal with, with him by my side. 

After some moments of welcomed peace and quiet, the three of us re-entered the restaurant to find my father regaling Rachel and Tré with what I could only assume to be more embarrassing anecdotes from my youth. 

“Oh yeah Dylan’s the best there is at cuttin’ out cod tongue! Beat all her brothers in a competition!” Dad said with a hearty chuckle. “Wow. Thanks, Dad.” I said, slumping back down in my seat. I still hadn’t had the heart to break it to him that I only cut them quickly because I hated doing it. I figured I would at least let him have that one. “Golly! There’s so much we don’t know about you, Dylan!” Rachel said, resting her head on her hand and fluttering her eyelashes at me. “And I had intended to keep it that way.” I said, rolling my eyes. The last thing I needed was Rachel knowing about my month as a fisherman (glorified deck hand). This was the type of information she used as ammunition and quite frankly, she didn’t need any more than she already had.

“So who was on the phone?” Tré asked. “Boy, oh boy! You won’t believe it.” I sighed. “It was Christine.” Tré’s eyes narrowed. “What in the fuck doe-“ “does she want! That’s what I said” Billie interrupted. I could tell he was angry, she had caused nothing but turmoil in my life and the last thing he wanted to do was see me hurt, but he bit his tongue. “She wants to talk to me.” I said. “And you’re gonna tell her where to shove it, right?” Dad said, sternly. “I don’t know. She sounded pretty busted.” I shrugged. “I just wanna hear her out.” Rachel shook her head “You’re a better man than me, Dyl.” She said. “I’d have told her to suck my left nut.” She said. Billie began to rub my back gently, as if he sensed how stressed I was quickly becoming. “It’s not as simple as that, Rach.” I said. “She’s in a mental hospital and rehab facility in Connecticut.” I explained. 

“Oh hell no! Nope! No, you’re not going all the way to Connecticut to listen to that bitch try and make nice with you.” Rachel snapped, folding her arms. “Well where I come from, everyone deserves a second chance.” I said hesitantly, knowing this could go wildly awry. “Are you sure about this?” Dad asked. “I guess so.” I said looking at my feet. “I’m not going to let her go alone, don’t worry.” Billie said, stroking my hand with his thumb. “Besides, if I’m good I might get to drive her car some of the way.” He laughed. “Pfff don’t hold out!” Rachel guffawed. “She never lets anyone drive her cars, not even me.” She said, laughing and looking around the table for some backup. “Oh, I’ve driven it!” Billie said. “She let me take it around the block.” Tré added. “Wait what the hell?!” She yelled almost comediclly. “You let these idiots drive your car but not me?!” I raised my eyebrows and stared at her. “Rachel? Who’s licence is suspended?” I quipped. “Fine. Good point.” She said bitterly as the entire table laughed at her expense. 

We finished dinner far quicker than I hoped we would. Dad and John had to leave first thing in the AM and I sure as hell wasn’t ready to say goodbye. But instead of dwelling on it, we tried to enjoy the time we had together so I invited everyone back to my place for a drink or two before they had to return to their hotel. 

“I just have a bad feeling about this.” Dad said, shaking his head. It was clear that he wasn’t about to drop this topic any time soon. “Please tell me you aren’t going to see her.” He said, hoping to change my mind. Rachel shook her head, chuckling slightly. “We all know we can’t stop her when she gets an idea in her head.” She said. “I’m not thrilled about it either, honestly.” Billie shrugged. “I don’t know if I’ll have anything nice to say to her, y’know?” He said. “Although I appreciate your concern, I’ll be fine.” I said. “We just don’t want you to get hurt again, Dylan.” Johnny said, taking a break from playing with Brad. “As far as I’m concerned that bitch doesn’t deserve any of your time and attention.” Rachel said, crossing her arms. “We’ll see.” I sighed. 

I was trying to keep it cool on the outside, but inside I was equally as worried as my friends were. Even thinking about her gave me gut rot. I wondered what she could have to say. I wondered if this would give both of us some much needed closure, but above all else- I wondered if she would want her job back. 

A few hours and several card games later, it was time to call it a night. “We’ll see you in the morning, Kiddo.” Dad said, hugging me tightly. “Good luck in Connecticut I guess.” Tré said, furrowing his brow. “Don’t take no shit, dude.” He added, hugging me on his way out. “Yeah, if she says anything remotely rude to you, call me. I’m not above going to Connecticut to kick her ass.” Rachel said, following closely behind Tré. “Have a good sleep Dylan.” Johnny said, hugging me even tighter than Dad did. “I will. You too, buddy.” I said, calling goodnight to everyone once more, shutting the door and leaving just Billie and I in the quiet apartment. 

“I’m so sorry.” I said, flopping down on the couch. “...okay, I’ll ask. For what?” Billie laughed. “For...them. They’re a little hard to handle, I know.” I sighed. “I’m just glad it was only the two of them. Any others and it would have been like baptismal by fire.” I said, leaning my head back and rubbing my eyes. He sat down next to me, taking my hands in his. “I had so much fun.” He said simply, a reassuring smile across his face. “It was awesome to be able to put a face to a name, y’know.” I smiled at him and laid down across his lap. I was exhausted after that day, I won’t lie to you. All I wanted to do was sleep, but at the same time my mind was racing with anxiety. 

“Hey, thanks for being so cool with Johnny.” I said quietly. “What do you mean?” He asked. “Not everyone is okay with him.” I said. “Who wouldn’t like him?” He asked, as if I said something totally stupid. I shook my head, “You’d be surprised.” I said. “Our own mother thought he was an embarrassment.” I could see his eyes quickly turn to anger. “Well that’s not fucking right.” He said in a slightly raised voice. “There’s nothing not to like about that guy. You guys are so much alike, anyway.” He said. “It’s a twin thing.” I winked. “I’m mostly just sorry about Buck.” I laughed lightly. “I know he can be hard to handle. He’s a bit....out there.” I said. 

“Stop apologizing.” Billie said firmly. “He’s such a cool guy. Even if he is a bit weird.” He said, beginning to run his fingers through my hair “y’know, you’re really lucky to have a dad like him.” He said quietly. “I’m not sure it’s luck.” I replied. “Well...most of my life has been spent without my dad. Just...know how lucky you are. Even if he does let some embarrassing stories slip- that’s what dads are for, y’know?” That really put things into perspective. Sure, my dad isn’t normal. But who is? 

“So are you actually okay with this Christine thing?” Billie asked after a minute of just sitting there, enjoying each other’s company. “Yeah, totally.” I said, weakly. “Bullshit.” He replied. “Hey! No I’m totally fine with it!” I snapped, sitting straight up to face him. “Okay, Dylan. Whatever- I’m not gonna fight you on this. We both know you’re lying to me.” He bit back. He knew me too well, there was absolutely no way I could lie to him at this point. I’m not even sure why I was trying to, really. 

“I just....” I sputtered. “It’s just that I finally got rid of all the drama in my life, now it’s all coming back.” I confessed. “I know.” He said, pulling me into a hug. “But sometimes we just have to bite the bullet and deal with it, y’know. You agreed to meet with her, so now we have to do it. I’ll be right there with you too don’t forget.” He said firmly. “Hopefully this will be the end of it. The real end of it.” I said, leaning my head on his shoulder, closing my eyes and eventually drifting off to sleep. 

Okay look, I’ll spare you the sappy details of our all to rushed goodbyes to Dad and Johnny. Like ripping off a bandaid, it was quick and painful. The next time I’d see them was when I drove the car I built for Dad up to St. John’s in the spring. But not only was my stomach churning with the sadness of the goodbye, but I was beyond anxious about seeing Christine. 

“Hey Dylan?” Billie said in a gentle tone as we careened down the freeway. “Not to y’know, criticize your driving or anything but...your knuckles are white and we’re 20 over the speed limit, babe.” He said resting his hand on my thigh. I loosened my grip on the steering wheel and unclenched my jaw. “Shit! Sorry. Hope there’s no cops around.” I said, looking in every mirror. “I can drive if you need me to.” He said eagerly. “Fuck, it’s only been half an hour! You’ll get a turn.” I laughed, relaxing slightly. “There she is.” He smiled, squeezing my knee. “Ugh I’m just nervous, Billie. Sorry for being such a boner.” I sighed. Billie scoffed. “But boners can be fun, there’s a difference.” He said, sarcastically. “Thin ice, Big Shoots.” I scowled, turning the radio up to drown out his childish giggles. 

Halfway through the drive we had switched. Billie was behind the wheel, and I was sat with my feet up on the dashboard. Not ideal in an accident, I know. But at this point, if I died in a crash I wouldn’t have to go through with this. My brain was racing with what-if’s so I glued my eyes to the scenery passing by, while Billie babbled in my ear about this and that, trying to keep my mind of what was going on. 

“So anyway, that’s how I stole Letterman’s limo.” He laughed as he regaled me with stories from the past, but I wasn’t having it. “Can you just... stop talking, please?” I snapped out of nowhere. “Okay, Dylan. I don’t even have to fucking be here.” He replied sternly. “I’m just here to help you y’know? Don’t get all pissy with me. Nobody’s making you do this.” He said. He was right, I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it. “Sorry, Billie. I just regret everything. Go on? What were you saying?” I sighed. I felt terrible for snapping on him. I genuinely loved his stories! Stress had just gotten the better of me. 

“No, it’s ok. I’ll stop. Now’s not the right time.” He said, reaching over and rubbing my arm gently. We drove in silence for a while, before I heard Billie gasp as the looming grounds of Silver Hill came into sight. 

“Shit, this place is depressing as fuck.” He remarked. I guess it could be the overcast weather making it look dreary, but I think he was right. It was an intimidating facade, backing on to a small, bare forest. “They could have at least made it look less like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, eh? Fuck.” I said, perking up and taking in the scenery. Knowing a place like that was supposed to help people made me uneasy. 

Billie parked the car and we walked slowly up to the front entrance. “Oh fuck. What have I gotten myself into.” I mumbled, stopping at the bottom of the stairs. “Y’know, I’m not sure.” Billie said, turning to me and taking my hands. “This is a stupid fucking idea.” He laughed. “But if you think it’s worth hearing her out, I trust your judgement.” He said, hugging me. “I really hope I’m not wrong on this one.” I said, shakily. “Me too.” He said, kissing my forehead. 

We walked through the door into the quiet entryway. “Wow. It’s no better inside.” Billie remarked. The place was sterile and almost unwelcoming. It was almost like they tried, but something was just...off. So we tried to disregard it and walked up to the front desk. 

“Hi, uh. We’re here to see Christine Boyd?” I said to the receptionist. “Is she expecting you?” The woman asked coldly, looking up at us out of the top of her reading glasses. “Oh, are you Dylan?” She asked Billie. “No, I am. This is Billie Joe.” I said. “Oh! I’m so sorry, it’s just-“ “No worries. Happens all the time.” I interrupted, as if reading from an all too familiar script. “Okay, sorry again. Follow me.” She said, guiding us down a long hallway. “Hey does that actually happen a lot?” Billie whispered, chuckling slightly. “You have no idea.” I laughed. “You’d better get used to it.” 

We walked past so many doors that looked the same, the inhabiting patient’s name taped to the front of each one. We finally came to a stop near the end of the hall, and the woman knocked on the door that had Christine’s name on the front, and opened it slightly. “Christine?” She said softly. “Your visitors are here.” My stomach flew into my throat with nervousness. It’s never particularly fun being around people you know don’t like you. And voluntarily putting my idiot self into that place was, what I thought at the time, the stupidest thing I could have done. So I grabbed Billie’s hand tightly, and moved forward. 

“Hi.” Christine said softly, with a gentle smile across her face. She looked different- she’d gained some weight, there was colour in her face, and her natural hair colour was back and tucked neatly behind her ears. “Hey.” I replied hesitantly. “Hope you don’t mind that I brought Billie.” I chuckled. “Not at all!” She said happily. “I’m glad to see you’re finally together.” She added. Billie looked at me out of the side of his eyes. He looked as confused as I was. We couldn’t tell if she was sincere, or trying to get something from me. Either way, we sat down and waited for what she had called me for. 

“Ok, look.” She said after a moment of incredibly awkward silence. “I know you’re uncomfortable. I don’t blame you.” She said. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t expect you to even be willing to talk to me after this but I just really wanted to thank you.” She blurted out. Although skeptical, a small weight lifted from my shoulders. “Thank me? For what?” I asked. “For saving my life.” She said simply. 

I wasn’t sure how to take that if I’m honest. If my life had taught me anything it was that I should never be too trusting. I was torn- on one hand, she seemed beyond sincere. But on the other, she was a phenomenal actress. 

“Oh, well it was nothing. I wasn’t just going to leave you there.” I shrugged. “No, really. Dylan please believe me when I tell you that you changed my life. I was pretty fucked up on a cocktail of pills and whatever liquor I could find in my house that day and you saving me was the wake up call I needed.” She said, tears filling her eyes. At this point, my doubts faded and I felt she was being sincere. 

“Hey don’t cry.” I said softly, moving to sit next to her. She hugged me, weeping into my shoulder as I stroked her back. “I’m  
so sorry for the way I treated you. You didn’t deserve that.” She cried. I looked over my shoulder at Billie who had the same stunned expression that I had. “I want more than anything to move on from this and maybe...start over? I get out of here in a week or so.” She said. “Can we...maybe get lunch when I’m home?” Now, It struck me as odd that she wouldn’t have just waited the week to be back in New York to see me, but maybe she really needed it off her chest? Perhaps apologizing to people you’ve hurt was part of the recovery program? Either way, her apology made me feel worlds better. 

“How’s Grease?” She asked. “Eh, It’s alright. I’m getting sick of it if I’ll be honest.” I confessed. “Wait, you are?” Billie chimed in. “Honestly? Yeah.” I said. “Broadway isn’t for everyone!” I chuckled. “Yeah it can be draining. Take it from me! I couldn’t handle it myself, but you know that.” Christine said, shaking her head . 

The rest of our time spent there was filled with friendly conversation, catching up and even a few laughs. It seemed that Christine had really come around! For the first time since I’d known her I was actually enjoying speaking with her. I was glad she’d come this far, but one of us wasn’t so trusting. 

“It just seems weird, y’know?” Billie said, looking back at the hospital from the passenger seat as we began the drive home. “How do you mean?” I asked. “Don’t you find it weird that you haven’t heard from her in months, then all of a sudden she’s comin’ crawling back to you with an apology?” He asked. “Well...yeah.” I said, turning the corner onto the highway. “Of course I do. But sometimes you just have to trust people.” I explained, completely avoiding the gut feeling that was sending red flags straight to my brain. “I mean, I hate to be a bummer but I don’t trust her at all.” He shrugged. 

I was conflicted. I trusted Billie more than anyone on earth. But I really wanted to believe her- or maybe I should say it this way, I was offended that he didn’t trust my judgement. 

“Well I’m not wrong, okay? I think she honestly has changed. Don’t just assume the worst of people.” I snapped. “I’m not trying to say you’re wrong, Dylan.” He explained. “I’m just worried that she’ll turn around and hurt you again, y’know?” He shook his head. “I just hope you’re right.” He sighed. 

“God, my ass hurts.” I wined. We switched places half way though even though it wasn’t a long drive. Billie took any opportunity he could to drive my car and this was no acceptipn. “Well we’re almost home.” He laughed. “Hope Brad didn’t miss me too much.” I said as we pulled into my parking lot. “Hey..Billie?” I said quietly. “Thank you for coming with me. I know you really didn’t want to see her.” I said, hanging my head. “No, I really didn’t. I fucking hate the way she treats you.” He said, taking my hand. “But I love you and I’ll do anything for you.” He added. 

We exited the car and made our way upstairs. As we approached my apartment, we heard people laughing and talking inside. “Were you expecting someone?” Billie asked, stopping in his tracks. “...no.” I said. All the possible outcomes of this scenario played through my head as we stood outside, growing more and more nervous causing sweat to form under my collar. But after a moment of panic, I realized I had to face my fears- so of course I pushed Billie in front of me and got him to open the door first. 

He slowly pushed open the door and we peeked in. To our surprise (and honestly relief) we were greeted almost too cheerfully by Rachel and Tré, who were seemingly chasing each other around the entire 550 square feet of my apartment. 

“Hi Dylan!” She said loudly, walking over to me and hugging me. “Okay, I’m taking away your key.” I said. “What the fuck are you guys doing? You have a flight in the morning, Tré.” Billie noted. I had completely forgotten that the guys flew back to California the next morning. I wasn’t excited to say goodbye, so I sort of pushed it to the back of my mind and hoped it didn’t have to happen. “Well...I just came to say goodbye to Brad!” He said, holding Bradley up. “Yeah! And I let him in!” Rachel added. Now, I didn’t believe this for one second. Like, at all. Something more was going on there, but quite frankly I could have gone my whole life not knowing the answer. 

“So how’d it go?” Rachel asked. “Good!” I said with a smile. “If you want to call it that.” Billie added sarcastically. “Oh come on, just give her a chance!” I snapped. “Whoa, I sense some tension.” Tré remarked, sitting down at the kitchen table. “Trouble in paradise?” He said, throwing his arms around Billie and I. “Well I’m just mad that I had to sit there while this bitch lied through her teeth to Dylan.” Billie said. “I don’t think she was lying!” I said defensively. “Again, I fucking hope you’re right.” Billie said, shaking his head. I narrowed my eyes at him before a brief awkward silence was broken by Rachel. 

“Well! We better get...going.” She said uncomfortably. “Yeah I’m not even gonna begin to tell you how weird this whole...thing is.”’I laughed, gesturing at the two of them. “See ya, Dylan.” Tré said, coming over to hug me. “Right! You’re leaving! Fuck, I’m gonna miss you!” I said, hugging him back. “But not as much as I will.” Billie interrupted, grabbing Tré’s ass. How on brand I thought. 

Fuck man, I won’t pretend to say it was easy the week after the guys left. Billie and I immersed ourselves in our car, getting it at least road safe to keep our minds off it. But on top of that, my part in Grease was also weighing heavily. I wasn’t sure how much longer I wanted to continue. I really missed being a choreographer and even more so, I missed being at my studio every day and even my students. I really missed every day being different! I was strongly considering giving the part up- but I wasn’t sure how everyone would react. To test the waters, I figured I should run it by Billie first. 

“Billie?” I asked, dangling out from underneath our car. “Yeah?” He replied, in an almost strained voice as he fiddled under the hood. “W...would you be upset with me if I quit Grease?” He dropped what he was doing to join me on the ground. He could tell I’d been conflicted about it for quite some time, not to mention the few times I had gone for lunch with Christine (much to his annoyance) and mentioned to her just how tired I was. I honestly respected her for how well she handled the spotlight! I can tell you right now, it’s not for everyone. 

“Dylan are you sure?” He asked sympathetically. “I think so...” I said quietly. “I’m getting tired of playing someone else every day.” I shrugged. “I want to be fully myself again but...” I hesitated, “I just don’t want to come off as a failure.” I admitted. He took my hands in his and looked at me straight in the eyes. “I would never see you as a failure, Dylan.” He said. “But I want you to make sure you’re doing this for you, y’know?” He said. “What do you mean for me?” I asked. “Well..it doesn’t fucking matter what I think or what anyone else thinks. You need to do it if it’s right for you. But also...” He said, looking down at the ground beside him. “But promise me that you aren’t just doing this because it’s what Christine wants.” He finished. 

I let go of his hands slightly offended. “I’m getting tired of you insisting that she’s lying, Billie.” I said, standing up and folding my arms. “Dylan I’m just trying to look out for you okay?” He shot back. “I know! And thank you- but I can take care of myself. I’m not some charity case.” I snapped. “Okay, fine. You’re right!” He said throwing his arms up. “I fucking know I’m right! But I don’t think you actually believe me. I don’t think you trust my judgement.” I spat as I walked toward the exit, taking my jumpsuit off. “Wait, where are you going?” He asked. I didn’t reply right away and just looked at my shoes. “You’re fucking going for lunch with her again aren’t you?” He said. “Yes, Billie. I am!” I said confidently. “I’m not trying to be a dick okay? But please be careful.” He pleaded. As much as his overprotectiveness was getting annoying, I guess I appreciated his concern. “I’ll be fine, Billie. I’ll be back in a bit- unless you  
Want to come so I can prove you wrong.” I said sarcastically. “Okay! Let’s go.” He said, throwing his rag down and coming to join me. “Wait, really?” I asked. “Yeah! You’re so sure that she’s changed, and I want to believe it too.” He said. So we closed up the garage and made our way to the cafe. 

“So I have something I want to ask you.” I said to Christine, sipping my coffee. “What’s that?” She replied with a smile. “I...I think I want to leave Grease.” I said simply, taking Billie’s hand under the table for support. He squeezed mine back, although I could feel his stare burning into the side of my head. “Whoa, Dylan are you sure?” She asked, expressing genuine concern. (Billie raised his eyebrows, almost shocked at how kind she was being). “Yes, I’m sure. I honestly have no idea how you guys do this all the time!” I laughed. “How do you not lose sight of yourself through all of it?” I asked. “Well I can’t really answer that one.” She chuckled. “It’s hard not to! I’m not sure I didn’t lose sight over the years, really.” She said. I nodded and took a deep, cleansing breath before continuing. “Well, how would you feel if I could get you your job back?” I asked. 

Billie squeezed my hand tighter. He knew this was a tough decision for me, he always knew me better than I knew myself, really. But I’m also sure that he didn’t support Christine getting the role again. “Wait, what?” Christine asked. “I don’t know, Dylan.” She said quietly. “Well you got the part to begin with! There’s obviously a reason for that! Let me go call David.” I said, hopping up and heading outside to make the call, excited about the idea of finally being free. 

After some slight persuasion, I somehow got David to agree to take Christine back. The problem was that he wanted to see us about it right then, so I ran back in to tell Christine the good news. Honestly, I was relieved. I could comfortably leave the production knowing that someone experienced, someone I now trusted, was going to take over my spot. Of course I knew I’d face judgement, but it felt like the right decision. 

“Wait so we have to go now?!” Christine said as we jogged down the road. “Yes! We don’t have a choice!” I laughed. “Thank you so much, Dylan.” She said. “We can talk later! Right now we need to hurry!” I called and the 3 of us ran to the theatre where David waited backstage with the cast. 

“Dylan what the fuck is all of this?!” Greg asked. “You heard me, Christine is back. My time here is over.” I explained, as Billie pulled me into a side hug, presumably proud that I’d took the leap and made a decision for myself. “Trust me guys, she deserves this.” I said smiling back at Christine. “Well...welcome back Ms. Boyd! I’m glad you’re feeling better.” David said as Christine walked forward to join her cast. 

But as she did, her demeanour changed. She smiled the same, sick smile I had come to know too well. Her hands snapped to her hips and she stared back at me with the all too familiar look she had given me through every single rehearsal. “Thank you, Dylan. You’ve given me exactly what I wanted.” She sneered. I looked up at Billie who had an expression of sheer rage slowly spreading across his face. “W..what?” I asked, tears quickly filling my eyes. “You heard me, Dylan. You were putty in my hands. And thanks to a little informant and my new dear, dear friend I Adam...” (I nearly threw up hearing his name) “I was able to track you down and find the best way to your heart.” She said, dramatically clutching her chest. “He watches you, Dylan Frances. I met him the day you saved my life. So of course, during my stay at the hospital I called him! He told me exactly how to get to you. You want to help people! Dylan looooooves to help! So what was the best way? Use my rehab to manipulate you.” She whispered, getting up in my face. “Your fifteen minutes is over, Dylan. And you did this all. By. Yourself.” 

My entire body went numb. The colour drained from my face and my heart simultaneously erupted with anger and fear. Everyone in the room was silent, I’m assuming waiting for me to answer. But before I could say anything, Billie jumped in. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I fucking knew it. I knew you were a fucking liar! Who fucking does that?” He yelled. “A girl who gets what she wants, Billie Joe.” Christine replied. “This is too much, Christine please leave.” David said calmly. “No, no David I’m leaving. I’m done.” I said quietly, heart beating into my ears. “I fucking trusted you. I trusted you!” I said, pointing at her and backing up. “I’m gone. I’m fucking gone.” I said shaking, tears steaming down my face. 

I turned sharply and ran straight out of the theatre. I didn’t know where I was going, but as long as it was far from there I was satisfied. “Dylan!” Billie yelled after me. “No. Don’t say it.” I screamed back, stopping in my tracks. “I fucking told you Dylan!” He yelled. “I told you this would end badly!” I backed away from him, shaking my head. “Billie I don’t want to hear it okay? I know I was wrong.” I sobbed. He walked forward, following me as I backed away faster. “But next time will you fucking listen to me?! I know you’re stubborn, I know you don’t want to take advice from fucking anyone! I know that! But next time please at least fucking listen to me!” He spat. “There won’t be a next time! You don’t have to worry about me ever again! I’m Done!” I said quickly. “Dylan wait!” He yelled frantically as I ran away. “Don’t fucking follow me! Fuck you Billie Joe!” I screamed in completely blind rage. “Dylan please!!” He yelled back as I instinctively ran down the alley that eventually lead to my studio. 

I had snapped. Nothing could ever just be normal! There was no turning back from a momentary lapse of reason, as I rooted through the studio kitchen drawer for the sharpest knife I could find. I slid down the wall as I cut a clean line across the well healed scars on my wrists. In the back of my mind, I knew it was irrational. But my impulses grew too strong and the anger and shame grew bigger and bigger. Not only had I fucked myself over, but I had disappointed Billie. He sure as hell didn’t deserve someone like that. 

I paced around my studio, weighing out the pro’s and con’s of staying alive. It was strange that the impulse hit me so suddenly, but I couldn’t stop myself. I knew I had promised Rachel I’d never do this shit again, I knew what I was doing wouldn’t solve anything- but from what I could see, there was absolutely no reason for me to continue to live. I knew that my family’s life would be easier without me, and now I was sure I’d burned the most important bridge I’d ever built in my entire life- I had told Billie it was over.

Maybe I just wasn’t meant to live a normal, happy, life. No matter what I did, bullshit followed me. If I were dead, nobody would have to deal with it! Especially not Billie. It was clear that Adam was never going to leave me alone and I was tired of lying. I was tired of living a life in fear of what he could do to me, or someone I loved. Hell, I’m sure he could see me then! I’m sure this was exactly what he wanted, but I was done fighting it. I had completely admitted defeat. 

I shut the lights off one final time and made my way to the roof of the building. I shook as I walked closer to the edge, but I hadn’t been more certain of anything in my life. I wanted this to end. I looked down at the cold, empty New York alley as a drop of blood fell down from my arm. I sobbed thinking about my family, Brad, Rachel, everyone. Everyone who would know I failed and who would know I had relapsed. I thought about Billie, about how much I had disappointed him, about how much easier his life was going to be without me. 

But those thoughts were merely fleeting. I took one last deep breath, closed my eyes, and it was time. Everything was about to finally be over. 

Or so I thought.


	20. “I can’t keep living like this.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm/suicide

February 3’d, 9:57 PM:

I stood out on the ledge, looking out over the dark skyline. The freezing cold air blew against my open cut, sending shivers down my spine. In my whirlwind of activity I’d left my coat behind, but at that point none of it mattered. I looked up at the sky, trying my hardest to see some stars for one final time, but no luck. 

Tears flowed uncontrollably down my face as I took what I thought would be the first step into nothingness, but just as I tried to jump, I was forcefully pulled back and landed on someone behind me. 

Breathing heavily and still sobbing, I saw Billie’s arms wrapped tightly around me, shaking but strong. “Dylan what the fuck were you thinking?” He pleaded, out of breath. “Let me go.” I said angrily as I tried to wiggle free. “No. Absolutely not.” He said, holding me tighter. “Come on, let me the fuck go, okay?!” I yelled. “Uh, still no.” He said calmly. “I’m not letting you do that.” I tried my best to get out of his tight grasp, but my energy had been drained. Instead, my body went limp as I collapsed into his arms, weeping. 

“I just can’t take it anymore!” I wailed. “I know, baby. Shhh.” He said, bringing my head into his chest. “I just want it all to be over-“ I cried. “Shit!” I said, sitting up frantically. “I’m getting blood all over your clothes!” I cried. “Hey, don’t worry, it’s just stuff.” He said calmly. “You don’t deserve this.” I said, trying to escape his grip again. “No, you didn’t deserve the way I talked to you earlier.” He said. “I’m sorry I got angry. I was just so worried this was what she’d do y’know?” He confessed. “Maybe I’m an asshole but I don’t trust people like her.” He shrugged. “But I didn’t expect fucking Adam.” He added. I nodded in agreement, not knowing what else to say. 

Once he felt I wasn’t an immediate risk, he got up and started pacing around. “I can’t believe she fucking did that.” He hissed, fists clenched. “I want to beat the shit out of him!” He yelled, punching an air vent causing me to jump. “Billie, please.” I said, shaking and covering my ears. “Fuck! Sorry! I didn’t mean to make you jump. I just...I’m so fucking angry.” He said, sitting down next to me and taking me in his arms once more. “I’m angry too.” I said quietly. 

After a minute of silence, my shaking wasn’t from panic anymore- rather I was freezing cold. “Come on, let’s go inside.” He said softly, taking his scarf off and wrapping it around my wrist. He helped me hoist my pathetic self up, and walked me back into the studio where I continued to shiver as the feeling slowly came back to my body. 

“Billie I’m scared to leave.” I blurted out. “Why?” He asked. “Adam. Fucking Adam.” I said, banging the back of my head against the wall. “Hey, hey don’t do that.” He said, running his fingers through my hair and leaving his hand on the back of my head, lest I do something idiotic again. “I think you’re safe. You’re safe with me anyway that’s for sure.” He chuckled. “But what Christine said really bothered me.” I confessed. “Which part?” He scoffed. “Oh shut up, you know. The part where she said that he watches me.” I said, growing more and more worried. “Oh, yeah.” He replied. “I bet she said that just to scare you, y’know.” He said. “C’mon. Let’s go. Rachel and Brian are back at your place waiting to see if you’re ok.” He said, offering his hand to help me up. “Wait how did they know?” I asked, growing more and more ashamed. “I called them.” He said. “Oh come on! They didn’t need to know!” I whined. “Be as mad at me as you want, but I was worried about you. I don’t care if it makes you mad, I care if you’re safe.” He said, handing me his jacket and leading me towards the door.

We walked out of the studio, once again greeted by the biting cold. With Billie’s coat around my shoulders this time, I wasn’t risking frost bite. He had his arm tightly wrapped around my waist as we walked, his big green eyes were darting in every direction. As much as I think he was trying to be rational to keep me calm, I think the idea of Adam watching us got to him too. Whether it was true or not, that’s a fucking creepy thing to say to someone. Hard not to let a little paranoia creep up. 

“Hey, let’s jog.” He said suddenly. “Are you cold?” I asked, hoping to offer his jacket back. “Yeah, a bit.” He said quickly, looking over his shoulder. “You can have your coat back!” I said, beginning to slip my arms out of the sleeves. “No, no. It’s fine. Just...y’know, hurry okay?” He said, tightening his hold around me, and quickening the pace. 

We rounded the corner to my apartment and stormed in the door and up the stairs, Billie swiftly locking the door behind him. “Dylan!” Rachel said in relief, engulfing me in a hug. “Don’t ever do this again, okay? You’re stronger than this! I know you are!” She cried into my shoulder. “Dylan I was so worried about you. Please don’t tell me you did...you know.” She said, wiping the tears from her eyes and tucking my hair behind my ear. Glancing down at my wrist, she noticed Billie’s (now blood stained) scarf. “Oh Dylan, no!” She cried, throwing her arms around me again. “Come on, I’ll clean you up.” She said, taking my hand and leading me to the couch where Brad sat patiently. She quickly got my first aid kit, and began cleaning the cuts. This kind of thing made me realize just how much I valued Rachel. She was such a strong person compared to me! Furthermore, she passed no judgement. No matter what mess I’d gotten myself into, she never treated me any differently. 

As she continued to treat my cuts and calm me down, I noticed Brian and Billie taking turns whispering and looking out the peep hole. Something suspicious was going on, surely. I wasn’t sure what to think anymore, but I grew even more wary when Rachel’s attention was drawn to the door as well. 

“What’s going on?” She asked. “Nothing, don’t worry.” Billie assured her. “Bullshit.” She said. “Something’s wrong.” Brian scratched the back of his neck and Billie, still out of breath, looked down at his shoes. “I saw him.” He said, deadpanned. “No...no!” I said, curling my knees to my chest on the couch. “Wait! Who? You saw who?” Rachel asked, standing up and running toward the door. “Adam.” Brian said. “What the fuck?!” Rachel yelled. “Where?!” Billie shook his head, looking more anxious by the minute. “As we were leaving the studio, about a block away I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.” He said, looking out the peep hole again. “Wouldn’t have fucking noticed either if Christine didn’t fucking say something.” He added. “Guess she fucking did something right.” 

The four of us were silent, waiting. Waiting for what thankfully (in that moment) didn’t come, but it put us all on edge. “Fuck it.” I said, breaking the silence. “I need to leave New York.” I blurted out. “Wait, what?” Brian said. “I can’t keep living like this. I’m not going to let him have this much control over my life. I’m done.” I yelled. “W...where are you going to go?” Rachel asked. I looked up at Billie and smiled, albeit weakly. “Well...I’ve always wanted to go to California.”

Billie’s eyes lit up with ideas as he and I both began pacing the apartment. “What about your junky car?” Rachel asked. “It’s road safe now. I’ll drive it down.” Brian offered. “And the one for your dad?” Billie asked. “Unimportant. I need to just get out.” I said. “I’ll store it until you need it.” Brian said. “I can pack your stuff from here and the studio and ship it.” Rachel chimed in. “Guys, I think this will work.” I said, weakly, but somehow full of blind optimism. “And if it doesn’t at least I fucking tried. At this point, I don’t have anything to lose.” I said, tears beginning to fall again. “Come on, we can start driving in the morning. Let’s pack everything you need immediately and get you the fuck away from here.” Billie said, pulling everyone into a group hug. 

As Rachel, Billie and I ran frantically around my apartment, packing things I thought I’d need immediately- Brian waited by the door, watching. He was the biggest out of all of us so we figured having him by the door in lieu of Adam on our trail was in our best interest. 

“You have really weird stuff, babe.” Billie said, pulling my baseball hat that had “Boob Police” embroidered on the front out from the bottom of my closet. “It’s going to take forever to clean out this stupid place.” I sighed, sliding down the wall. “Don’t get overwhelmed, Dylan!” Rachel said, throwing my clothes into my largest suitcase. “I can worry about everything else later. Just grab what’s important and let’s go!” She said, grabbing the hat from Billie and putting it on. She always had a way of making me feel stronger, so I hoisted myself up and continued packing. 

“No, he isn’t this fucking bold. He can’t be.” I heard Brian mutter from the other room. “What’s going on?” Billie asked. “Guys be quiet. Lay low in the bedroom.” Brian called back. “Wait, what?” I said, fear engulfing my body. “He’s here. Stay in there and don’t say anything.” Brian said, pressing his ear against the door. 

Billie, Rachel and I huddled in my bedroom holding our breath. “Open up, Dylan I know you’re in there!” I somehow heard Adam yell through the door over my heartbeat pounding in my ear. “She isn’t here.” Brian said in a loud, assertive voice. “Cut the fucking shit, Shanley! I know she is!” Adam shouted back. 

“Quick, in here.” Billie whispered, pulling me into the closet with him as Rachel went out to face Adam. Honestly, I was worried that this situation was about to blow up. Rachel has a hard time controlling her mouth when she’s angry, so this was either going to be satisfying or set off some bullshit we all weren’t prepared to deal with. 

“What do you want, shitbag? I don’t have time for smalltalk so make it quick.” Rachel snapped. “I just want to talk to Dylan.” He said. I tried my best to ignore him, but I could hear what he was saying clear as day. My apartment was small, and with a lot of things packed up, sound travelled and sent his voice right through my body, chilling me to the bone. 

I began sobbing again, shaking. My hands trembling nearly ripping out my hair in frustration. “Hey, hey. Look at me, okay?” Billie said, taking my hands. He held them tightly in his and turned me to face him. “Keep looking at me, okay? I won’t let anything happen to you.” He whispered, smiling at me, still holding my hands tightly so I couldn’t hurt myself any further. “We’re going to leave this fucking place, just you and me, okay? You’re safe.” He repeated. I nodded, heart still palpitating in my ear. 

“She’s not here, Adam. Even if she was, you know she has a restraining order.” Brian said. “Wait she isn’t here?” Adam snapped. “No, cock-stain. She isn’t. You drove her out of New York.” Rachel yelled. “She’s gone and it’s because of you! Are you happy?!” She screamed, playing up the angle that I’d already left. “But Christine said-“ Adam started. “What the fuck did Christine say now?” Brian yelled. “She said she’d talk to Dylan if I gave her some information. She said she got Dylan to drop the restraining order! I wanted her to leave Grease so she could be with me again, and Christine said she would!” Adam yelled. “Are you really that stupid, Adam?! You’re actually so delusional that you believed her? What kind of sick person are you?” Rachel yelled back. “I could ask Dylan the same thing!” He screamed. “Christine said she’d leave Billie Joe for me if I gave her the stuff she wanted. She promised me, Rachel! And now I saw her with him earlier! Dylan fucking lied to me!” Adam screamed. 

“Keep your eyes on me, okay? Don’t listen to him.” Billie continued to whisper to me. Beneath Adam’s screams from the other room, he began to softly sing the song he’d written for me to try and calm me down. I focussed only on his voice, drowning out what was trying to slither it’s way back into my life. 

I felt so vulnerable in that moment. Every ounce of strength I’d built up over the years had deteriorated and I was left scared, small and back to square one. It was hard for me to let my friends see me like this- again. But it was harder for me to let Billie see me like that. He knew what I’d been through in my past in regard to my self harm, but I didn’t think he’d ever have to witness it. But as he sat there in that closet, singing to me, holding me and making sure I was going to be alive by the end of the night, my fears and insecurities were squashed. I let myself be scared, I let myself cry in his arms and accept that he was there with me no matter what state I was in. 

“You better leave.” Brian said bluntly. “I’m not leaving until you tell me where the fuck she is!” Adam demanded. “Look, Dylan isn’t the one who lied to you. Christine did. Dylan left town an hour ago with Billie Joe. Get those two things through your fucking head and get out.” Rachel snapped back. “Just tell me where she went!” Adam screamed repeatedly. “It’s in your best interest to leave. Now.” Brian said completely calmly. “Or what?” Adam snapped. “Or you won’t have teeth anymore. I’m going to give you to the count of three to get the fuck off the property before I knock them out of your fucking head. I’m not scared of you. Have I made myself clear?” Brian added. “But!-“ Adam stuttered “ONE.” Brian interrupted, so loudly it made me jump. “Come on, just tell m-“ “TWO.” Brian abruptly stopped Adam once more. “Fine. I’ll go, but I’m not going to give up this easily.” Adam said curtly, finally leaving the apartment and slamming the door behind him. 

“Alright, you can come out now.” Rachel called to us after several minutes (she and Brian wanted to make sure he was gone before they jumped the gun). “Okay, let’s hurry.” I said quietly, throwing the rest of my wardrobe into a bag, and gathering up Brad’s things. “Whoa, slow down.” Billie said calmly, trying to make sure I was thinking clearly. “No, we have to make a move quickly. Come on.” I said, throwing Brad over my shoulder and dragging the first suitcase to the door. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Brian asked. “I’m not trying to change your mind, but I want to make sure you’re sure.” He said, placing his hand on my shoulder.” I don’t know.” I said, tears filling my already swollen eyes once more. “I don’t know anything anymore. I have no idea what’s the right answer in this situation but I have to something.” I wept. “If you’re sure.” Rachel said softly. “That’s the thing, I’m not sure!” I said hysterically. “I don’t know my ass from a glass of orange juice right now, but I do know that being here isn’t going to solve any problems.” 

My friends were silent for a minute, realizing the gravity of the situation. Billie had taken my bags down to the car and made sure the coast was clear. “Alright, everything’s ready.” He said, re entering the apartment. “Well, I guess this is it then.” I said, looking at Rachel and Brian. “Please be safe.” Rachel said, beginning to cry. “I can’t believe we have to say goodbye like this.” Brian added, pulling me into a hug. “Don’t worry, I didn’t think it would be like this either.” I said, chuckling half heartedly. “Call me along the way, okay?” Rachel said, hugging me tighter than she had ever before. “Don’t worry, I will.” I said. And with that all too rushed goodbye- Billie, Brad and I were off. 

Billie (too eagerly) agreed to drive the first several hundred kilometres for me so I could calm down. After all I’d been through that night, I was left a veritable shell of my former self. I crawled into the passenger side of my car, rammed a pillow up against the door, curled up with Brad in my lap, and promptly fell asleep. 

My body was drained, and had finally given up. I slept more solidly than I had in months, only waking up as the car came to a stop. “Hm?” I grunted, opening my eyes to see Billie smiling back at me. “Hey.” He said, pushing my hair out of my face. “Where are we?” I asked, rubbing my eyes to get a better look at my surroundings. “Just crossed into Ohio.” He said, yawning. I looked at the clock- 3:45 am. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes as my focus shifted to the neon sign of the motel we had made it to, and I certainly was relieved that I wouldn’t have to drive just yet. 

“This is all so surreal.” I whispered, leaning my head back in the seat. “It’s wild.” Billie agreed. “How are you feeling?” He added. “Numb.” I said, simply. I looked out the window, a strange sense of calm enveloping my body. The motel reminded me of a road trip I’d taken with Rachel soon after the (first) incident with Adam. It represented something of a turning point in my life. I smiled to myself thinking of all the fond memories, the sense of escape and the sheer relief I felt to be out of New York. 

“Sorry this place is a bit....busted.” Billie said, looking at the convenient and cliche flickering neon “vacancy” sign hanging outside the office. “It was the only place I could find that still had rooms. Bet they rent them by the hour.” He joked. “Don’t be sorry, it’s perfect.” I smiled, taking his hand. “You gotta raise your standards.” He laughed. 

I scooped Brad up and went into the office prepared to do my best begging to let us come in with a cat, but as it turned out they didn’t care much and gave us some room keys with very little question. “I’m not sure how much I want to touch these.” Billie said, dangling them off the end of one finger. “Well if they let humans in as easily as they let cats in, I wouldn’t touch it either.” I added. 

We unlocked our room to find it remarkably, albeit unexpectedly, clean. I plopped Brad down on the bed (who’s spread that resembled my Nan’s curtains) and flopped myself down beside him. Billie shut the door behind us, smiling at Brad and I, sprawled across the questionable bed. “Tired still?” He asked, lying down beside us. “I’m exhausted.” I said quietly. “But...relieved.” I sighed.

It had been years since I felt that kind of strange calm. Don’t get me wrong, the sadness of leaving my entire life and some of best friends behind was crippling, but at the same time it felt like the right decision. As it turned out I had been right all along- broadway wasn’t the life for me. I had my hesitations going into it and honestly I should have listened to my gut. But of course my overwhelming desire to help got the best of me. They needed me! I couldn’t say no! Certainly I don’t regret it- but it’s definitely not anything I’d ever do again that’s for sure. 

However, through all the bullshit that had happened over the past few months, I somehow managed to cultivate the most meaningful relationship I’d ever had. I was a bit of a mess throughout, but Billie Joe stood by my side. Through the happiest moments to our disagreements, he never stopped loving me. Hell, he was even game to say ‘fuck it’ and drive across America with me! You don’t get that from just anyone. I needed to find a way to show him just how much I appreciated him, but in that exact moment? I wasn’t even sure how to speak properly. It would have to wait for another time. 

With my wrist still throbbing, my entire body exhausted, and my eyes still burning from crying, it wasn’t long until I passed out again. Shit, did I ever pass out hard. I slept straight through until the next morning- now I say morning, but I mean early afternoon. Billie let me sleep as long as I needed to, which would turn out to be a lot over the next several months. 

As I came back into consciousness, my eyes fluttered open and a new, but welcomed, sense of excitement for the day ahead crept into my stomach.


	21. “God, are we crazy?”

February 4th, 11:06 AM: 

“Morning.” Billie said quietly, kneeling down beside the bed. “Hi...” I said groggily, rubbing my eyes. “What time is it?” I asked, looking over at Brad who yawned and immediately fell back to sleep. “Around 11.” He said, tucking my hair behind my ear. “Figured I’d let you, y’know, recoup after yesterday.” He smiled, kissing my forehead. As we all know I rarely slept past 8:30 on a good day, let alone pass out fully clothed and with the previous day’s makeup crusted to my face- so to say I felt slightly out of sorts would have been appropriate. 

“It’s a gorgeous day.” Billie said, opening the curtains. The sun shone like lasers straight into my freshly awakened eyes. Squinting, I hoisted myself up, waddled over to the slightly fingerprinted mirror and took a look at the mascara that had smeared all over my face from crying the night before. “Ew.” I sighed out loud, promptly jumping in the shower to remedy the situation. 

Feeling slightly more energized, I threw on some jeans, Billie’s Cheap Trick t shirt and some makeup- if only to spare any people I’d encounter from seeing the veritable luggage under my eyes. “Hm. I’ve seen worse.” I remarked, looking at myself in the mirror. I decided to be adventurous and throw my hair in a ponytail. It was finally just long enough to make one that didn’t look stupid, so why not?

I walked out of the bathroom, snatching up Brad. “Hey! I’ve been looking for that shit!” Billie laughed. “I’ve had it for just so long.” I sighed. “...I’m not getting it back anytime soon am I?” He asked. “Well at least not for the next oh, 600 kilometres or so. Come on, let’s go!” I said making a bee line for the car. 

“Whoa what’s the rush, Dyl?” Billie asked, chasing after me. “The farther I get from New York, the less anxious I’ll feel.” I admitted, plopping Brad in the passenger seat. “Come on, get in!” I said excitedly, jumping in the driver’s side. I’ll admit, the anxiety of leaving everything behind lessened over night as it seemed. However I wasn’t sure how long this new found enthusiasm would last, so I figured I had to act quickly. 

“Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” Billie asked, throwing our backpacks in the back seat. “As long as you tell me which way to fucking go, yeah!” I laughed. “Why?” I asked. He just shook his head, chuckling slightly. “I’m just worried about you.” He said, resting his hand on my thigh. “What for?” I asked. “Never mind. I know I’m overthinking.” He sighed. “I’m just worried that you’re running on adrenaline, y’know?” He confessed. He was right- damn was he ever right, but I didn’t want to worry him too much. “Babe, come on. I’ll be fine.” I assured him. In reality, I had absolutely no way of telling if I was then or would ever be fine, but there was one completely undeniable thing that I was sure of: I love road trips. 

I don’t think that I had told him much about my love for road trips, but that truly was what was fuelling any of the energy I had woken up with that day. Road trips always symbolized new beginnings in my life. The last one I’d been on was just after Adam had been arrested (the first time) and I was in a complete rut. Rachel stormed into my place and told me to pack my bags- we were going on an adventure. This time sure, I left New York under what had to have been the worst possible circumstance, but the idea of travelling across the United States to start a wild, weird new life with Billie Joe was hopelessly romantic. 

So, somewhere in Illinois after several kilometres of really weird, local radio stations and making fun of televangelists, I remembered something I kept in my car at all times specifically for situations such as these. “Hey! Can you go in behind your seat and grab the blue bag?” I asked Billie. He reached behind him, stopping momentarily to scratch Brad behind the ears, and grabbed the slightly salt stained, flat blue bag behind him. 

He felt the weight in the bag and opened the zipper slightly to reveal its contents. “....Tapes?” He asked. “Yep! Installed a tape deck in here just so I could play these.” I said , glancing down at the now open cassette tape collection. “Nice.” He smirked, taking out my copy of Dookie. “Don’t let it go to your head.” I said, smacking him on the arm. “Put on the one that’s called ‘Dylan’s Mix’ please?” I asked, growing more and more exited. 

From the back corner of the bag, he pulled out the oldest of my cassettes. It was beat up, cracked and you could barely make out the song list anymore- but it held a special place in my heart. “Dylan’s Mix, huh? Sick name.” He teased. “Something tells me Buck was behind this.” He added, squinting to try and make out the track list. “He’s that predictable isn’t he?” I laughed, snatching the tape and sliding it into the player. 

I smiled as Bachman Turner Overdrive played through my speakers, thinking about the first time I’d played this tape. “He made this for me to go with the car we built together.” I explained. “Every song was carefully selected to make a playlist of ‘the perfect highway songs’ he claimed.” Billie looked at me, an adoring smile spread across his face. “He wasn’t wrong!” He said, turning up the volume. 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, set the tone for the rest of that incredible trip. We crossed from state to state, hitting all the cheesy tourist destinations- even taking Brad to see the Grand Canyon. We stopped at truck stops to get weird souvenirs to send to our friends, and in Wyoming I even bought a post card that I sent to Johnny. But unfortunately, that post card would land me in a bit of an uncomfortable situation. 

It was Billie’s turn to drive and I was sitting in the passengers side, windows down, sketching for the first time since I’d drawn him way back when we first met. The air was much warmer the closer we got to the west coast, and I could barely believe that it was February. I’m sure Billie wasn’t nearly as warm as me- he was wearing his jacket even in the car, but compared to the winters back home in St. John’s, this was nothing. 

So there we I was, somewhere around Utah happily sketching away when my phone rang. “Holy shit! It’s Daniel!” I said excitedly. “He doesn’t call me nearly as much as he should.” I said, hoping he would put my one and only niece, Katie, on the phone. “Hey! Whatta y’at?” I said enthusiastically as I answered. “Just what in the hell do you think you’re doin’ Dylan?” He said in his “stern” older brother voice. “What are you sending post cards to John all the way from fuckin’ Wyoming for? Better yet, why the fuck are you in Wyoming?” He demanded. “Uh....well I’m not in Wyoming actually!” I said, being a total smartass. “Well where the fuck are you then?” He yelled. “Nevada I think. I’m en route to California.” I said, frankly. “Why are you doing that?” He asked, an all knowing sigh escaping his lungs. He knew me too well and how impulsive I can be. “Well...Adam sort of-“ I managed to get out before being interrupted. “That fuckin skeet. I’ll kill him. Are you going alone? What the fuck is there for ya in California?” He spat. “I...guess Dad didn’t tell you?” I asked hesitantly. “I’m...seeing someone.” I mumbled. “He’s from California so I’m going there with him.” I added quickly, bracing for impact. 

Daniel was silent for a moment. That shit always made me nervous. After Adam, he was not interested in hearing about anyone I was seeing. As far as my brothers were concerned, I should just join a convent. “Who is he then?” He sighed. “H..his name’s Billie.” I said. “Well you better introduce him to me when you guys get settled. And don’t expect me to be nice!” He laughed, knowing he had absolutely no way of swaying my decision. “Oh don’t worry, I think you’ll get along just fine.” I said trying to stifle laughter, knowing fully well Daniel had waited in line just to meet Billie and have him sign my copy of American Idiot all those years ago. “Just be safe okay, Dylan? Please?” He begged. “Sorry if I came off harsh, I’m just worried about you, ok?” I assured him I’d do my best to stay safe and with that, the phone call that brought me back to reality was over. 

As soon as I hung up the phone I burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?” Billie asked, laughing as well. “Daniel has no idea that you’re you.” I said. “He’s the one I met in 2004, right?” He asked. “Yes, yes he is. I haven’t told him who you are yet, and I think it’s funnier this way if I’ll be honest.” We both shared a laugh, thinking about how their first official meeting would go, and how my father likely hasn’t even so much as thought to tell my brothers who “Bill” was. “You’re such an asshole.” He laughed. “I think it’s justified.” I shrugged. 

Talking to Daniel really reminded me that what we were doing was fucking bonkers. This has to have been the most impulsive thing I’d ever done, and coming from me that was saying a lot. I looked out the window at the desert surrounding us, the warm air hitting my face. I’d never been to the desert before, and it really sunk in how far away from home I was. At least New York had...well, a similar climate to St. John’s- minus 6+ feet of snow. “God, this is insane, Billie.” I said, smiling and throwing my head back. “I know.” He replied, grabbing my hand and squeezing tightly. “I love it.” 

I won’t bore you with every detail of the trip- that would take millennia, however I do want you to know that trip in particular changed me. It changed me for the better. I had so much time to reflect, to let go, to laugh and cry. Hell, I even learned first hand all about road head. But in all seriousness, the moment we crossed the California border is to this day one of the best moments of my life. No, not because it was particularly beautiful at the tolls or anything, but because of what it represented- my fresh start. 

“God, everyone here talks just like you.” I remarked, returning to the car after stopping at a truck stop for Slim Jim’s. “What’s that supposed to mean?!” He shot back. “Oh come on, you don’t hear it? I do.” I laughed. “Whatever babe, you’re the one who talks weird.” He sighed, pulling out of the parking lot. “You’ve been calling ‘miles’ ‘kilometres this whole time.” He teased. “Hey don’t come for me just because I learned right!” I said, taking a bite of my Slim Jim. 

“So how much father ‘til we’re home?” I asked, fiddling with a “Best Truckin’ Dad Ever” t shirt I’d gotten as a souvenir at the truck stop. After hearing no response from Billie, I looked up to ask again. But he was simply smiling, looking straight ahead. “Billie Joe? Did you hear me?” I asked, waving my hand in front of his face. “Yeah, I heard.” He said, still smiling. “Well what’s up then?” I asked, scrunching my nose. “Nothing, nothing. It’s just cute hearing you say we’re going home.” He said. “Makes it feel real, y’know? I’m so excited to show you everything!” He added excitedly. “I’ve been dreaming about this for so fucking long, Dylan. You have no idea.” He gushed, placing his hand on my thigh. “I can’t believe it’s actually happening! I’ve been talking to everyone about you for so fucking long and I just....I can’t wait, sorry.” He said. Lost for words, I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, just looking at him. I didn’t deserve him I thought. He took my hand and kissed it, giving me the same butterflies I got the minute I met him. “I love you so much, Billie.” I said, my excitement growing. “I love you more.” He replied. 

After driving for about another half hour, an expression of pure joy and anticipation crept across Billie’s face. “Here we are!” He announced as we drove into the Oakland city limits. As Billie’s girlfriend, I was fascinated and thrilled to get a tour of his home town. Just seeing his excitement to show me everything that shaped him into the person he had become was enchanting. As we drove he eagerly pointed out different landmarks that meant something to him, and I nodded along, taking it all in. However, as a Green Day fan, this entire thing was so surreal and absolutely blowing my mind. This truly was a dream come true and was almost perfect in every way. Almost. The only problem was that I definitely wasn’t prepared for the California heat. 

“God, how do you guys manage?” I said, fanning myself and sticking my head out the car window. “Dylan, it’s February.” Billie laughed. “That’s my point- what the fuck am I supposed to do in the summer?” I shrieked, albeit feigning drama. “You could just walk around naked all the time.” He suggested. “Oh you’d just love that, wouldn’t you?” I sneered. “There’s just, no other way! I’m just thinking about your comfort, babe.” He shrugged. “Thin ice, boy. Thin ice.” I scolded, rolling my eyes. 

“Well, here we are.” He said, pulling into the driveway of a moderately large house. Compared to the tiny hovel I’d been living in, this seemed like Shangri-La. It wasn’t the type of “fuck you, look at all the money I have” type houses that I’d seen on the drive up there, but damn was I ever excited about the double garage. 

“And you’ve just been keeping this from me for 6 months?” I joked. “Well, no not exactly.” He said, putting the car in park. “I wasn’t about to leave New York without you and make the biggest mistake of my fucking life, so y’know, just didn’t really mention it I guess?” He said nonchalantly. “Well, I’m impressed.” I said, kissing him on the cheek and opening up my door. 

I grabbed Brad out of his slumber and ascended the pathway leading to the front door. “I’ll go get a key cut for you tomorrow morning, remind me.” He said turning his key in the deadbolt. “God, are we crazy?” I said, really soaking in what we’d done. “Yep!” Billie laughed. We hadn’t even known each other for very long, but for some reason I had never been so sure that’d I’d made the right decision in my entire life. 

As we crossed over the threshold, I slowly took in the surroundings of what was my new home. It was clean, bright and very well decorated. There were a wide array of guitars and various musical equipment placed throughout, and the back yard I had longed for since I moved to Manhattan. It was all so beautiful, but suddenly I was overcome with guilt. 

“Billie?” I said, slightly panicked, staring out the kitchen window. “Are you sure it’s okay if I stay here? I’ll pay you rent once I get a job! I promise all my crap won’t get in the way!” I blurted out, hands on either side of my head and my mind spiralling. “Dylan?” He said calmly. “Shut the fuck up.” He laughed, walking towards me, arms outstretched. “Okay. Okay, I’ll stop.” I said, almost out of breath. “But I owe you!” I scolded. “No, you don’t.” He said simply. “I told you I didn’t want to come back without you and I meant that.” He said, tracing his fingers along my jawline, and leaning in for a gentle kiss. “I don’t ever want to be away from you, ever.” He whispered, lips still nearly touching mine.

“Honeymoon’s over, kids!” A piercing, familiar voice echoed from the front foyer. “Oh shit.” Billie said, breaking the kiss and resting his forehead on mine. “Where are you??” A second voice sang, footsteps booming across the hardwood floors. Before I had time to brace myself, I was enveloped in a hug from none other than Tré, strong enough to take the wind out of me. 

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Billie said, rolling his eyes at Mike who walked in shortly after, Brad draped across his shoulders. “How long have you been waiting to use that one?” I wheezed from beneath Tré who had knocked my petite frame completely to the ground. “Too long.” Billie said, laughing to himself. “Okay, well this is all fine and dandy but can I get up now?” I laughed breathlessly. Tré got off me and I was finally able to greet the two of them properly. I would be lying if I said that seeing those two goofs put my mind at ease- which honestly was much needed. See, beneath my (mostly) calm exterior I was hiding a great amount of anxiety. 

I was scared to start an entirely new life in a whole new state, a new house, completely different climate and surroundings than I was used to and hell! Hardly any of my personal belongings were with me- but the feeling of being strangely lost began to melt away when the guys showed up. It’s amazing how much of a difference a familiar face can make. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. I know, I know! I had Billie the entire time and of course I was more than grateful for everything he’d done, but you get my point. 

“How was the drive?” Mike asked. “God it’s been a whirlwind.” I said, pulling up a stool that sat beneath a small breakfast bar. “Had to leave New York pretty quick, huh ?” He asked, sitting next to me. I rested my chin on my hands and sighed. “Yeah, it all happened so fast. Part of me is still worried he’ll find me.” I confessed. “Who will?” Tré asked. I perked up, realizing they didn’t really have the full story. 

“Wait, did Billie not tell you?” I asked. “Not really.” Mike said. I looked over at Billie who had his hands in his pockets. “I didn’t think it was really my place to tell anyone, y’know?” Billie shrugged. Turns out, he’d barely told the guys anything about Adam past what he had experienced personally. I looked over at Tré and Mike who both looked concerned. “Well...do you want to know?” I asked, albeit hesitantly. “Only if you’re ready to talk about it.” Mike said, resting a hand on my shoulder. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and sighed. “Get comfy boys, it’s a long one.” 

I told the guys the entire story, from shitty start to untimely end. In a weird way, it felt good to get it off my chest. I was trying to get to a place where I felt okay talking about it, and this was a good start. “What a piece of shit.” Tré said, slamming his hand on the counter. “Yeah.” I said, staring blankly ahead. “My question now is do you think I’m safe now? Or should I dye my hair, change my name and go off grid?” I quipped, trying to make light of the situation. “Well, if it makes you feel better nothing’s gonna happen to you if we have anything to say about it.” Mike said, standing up. “You can never be too sure with Adam.” I sighed. “Hey, well now you know why I have this fuckin’ scar on my neck, eh?” I laughed half heartedly. “I didn’t even notice it.” Mike said. “Me either.” Tré added, shrugging. Y’know, although I really didn’t like talking about what Adam had done, a part of me was extremely validated knowing neither of them noticed his permanent mark he left on my body. 

“Well I gotta go.” Tré said suddenly, looking at the time on his phone and standing up. “So soon? But you pricks just got here.” I said. “We’re sure Billie wants to show you the bedroom.” Mike teased. “That is if he hasn’t already.” Tré added, making disgusting kissing noises. I rolled my eyes and stood up to join Billie in the kitchen. “It’s impolite to kiss and tell, boys.” I scolded. “Whatever, you know it’s true.” Tré said as he and Mike left, effectively leaving having had the last word. 

“That was abrupt.” Billie remarked, a puzzled look across his face. “Yeah, with all the times Tré texted me ‘how much longer?’ Throughout our entire trip you’d think they’d at least stay for coffee.” I chuckled, picking up brad so we could check out the rest of our new home. Billie stayed behind, giving me some space to breathe as I walked slowly looking at the high ceilings in disbelief. If you had have told little me back home in St. John’s, sharing a room in a tiny house with my twin brother that I’d live in a place like that one day, I’d have said you were dreaming. And in that moment, I couldn’t believe I wasn’t. 

“So what do you think?” Billie asked, leaning against the door frame of the (our) bedroom as I sat on the bed, cradling Brad like a fat, hairy child. “I’m blown away, Billie Joe.” I said, looking back at him over my shoulder. “I want you to know just how much this all means to me, but I don’t know how to show you. Not in any way that’s an equal enough gesture.” I sighed. “You don’t owe me shit.” He scoffed, joining me on the bed. I wrinkled my nose, knowing better than to fight him on that, but I was still bothered. 

We sat in silence, watching as the sun slowly dipped behind the clouds and out of sight. It was amazing to have the chance to take some much needed deep breaths, knowing I was finally fully safe. A headache crept up as the stress and adrenaline subsided, but it was to be expected. I’d just done something I would have never in my wildest dreams thought I would do. I was proud of myself and I could see Billie felt the same. He wrapped his arms around my waist, bringing my head into his chest. He kissed me on the forehead, tucked my hair behind my ear and whispered- 

“Welcome home.”


End file.
